a poem about nothing

i'd write something of worth to me

but i feel as though my hands are bound.

i'll write nothing

and pretend it will suffice.

but is this pretending enough to guarantee

that what is absent will be found?

what needs to be said is cutting

so i'll take my own advice

and i'll say nothing

I'm not really home

i'm home, but i'm not home

i feel like i'm missing something

or i'm seriously dreading something

i just don't feel like all of me came back

i don't really want to be here

it's hard to hear about all of these problems and pains

when there's so much worse over there

i honestly never wanted to come home

my heart was never really here

there's no real joy in anything here

it's all so cheap and shallow

i want to leave again

Stirring Up the Soul

I was recently asked how I knew God was really there and how I knew He cared enough to interact in our lives. I refrained from the typical Christian answers - full of logic, research, facts, etc. I was so tired of spouting off those types of answers without really giving true thought to how I really knew. I asked the person to give me a solid ten minutes to give some serious thought to it so I could answer them in a meaningful way. This seemed to shock them. I suppose they were used to defensive Christians who just wanted to be right. But Corinthians 13 says if you have all the knowledge and skills of the world but do not love, it is worthless. How could I be so cold and heartless in such important matters? This deserved my full attention and time. The individual granted me the time I requested.

This is how I responded to him when I had formulated my thoughts:

"First, I'm not sure we can KNOW 100% with no doubts that He is there. It's about faith. However, not totally blind faith. God encourages us to test and seek the faith we proclaim. It is very much welcomed and I myself am a huge skeptic in nearly anything, so you can be sure I take every claim of my faith and put it to the test as I understand how to.

Second, while I'm not sure we can 100% know He is there, I still have no doubts that He is for the simple reason that I have seen Him work in my life. There are two times in particular that I'd like to share with you.

The first was not even a month after I'd become a Christian and accepted God's love and forgiveness. I was about 15 and, not many know it but, I had a pretty bad home life. The police, child services, and all kinds of detectives became involved. I was afraid that nothing conclusive would happen and I'd be stuck. So one night after things had gotten crazy at home, I was laying down, unable to sleep because of a terrifying fear. I felt this tugging on my heart. It was like hearing a really quite voice in the wind - ever so faint but still audible. It was telling me to run. All I could think was "Run? And go where?" The voice did not specify, it just kept telling me to get up, pack a bag, and leave. I remember listening intently to the house for any signs of life. I remember silently creeping out of bed, careful not to disturb my sleeping sister, and packing a small backpack. I didn't know how long I'd be gone or where I was going, but this voice seemed convincing and it was better than all the other voices in my life. The walk from the front of the house to the back door was the longest walk of my life. I literally felt my heart stop every time the floor made a noise. I got to the door, stopped, and reached for the handle. I just held my hand there, looking at the handle and thinking, "What am I doing? This is it. If I walk out this door, there's no going back anymore. Am I really going to do this?" Then I just walked out of the door. I stepped into the cool wintery air and already felt the weight of terror lifted from my shoulders, but not for long. Now I was certain that my family would immediately know I'd left and would be coming for me. No such thing occurred. Suffice it to say that after that night, I went to foster care. I found myself safe, fed, and healthy. If I had not listened to that voice, I'm not really sure what would have happened. I have every confidence that God was instrumental in that night. God saved my soul, then He spared my body.

The second instance I want to tell you about is one that has been etched in my mind ever since the day it happened. When I'm in a time of doubt, yes even Christians doubt at times, I think back to this and it erases all doubt. I was still wreaking the consequences of my previous story, both the things I had done and things done to me. Everyone in the house was asleep. Everything was silent. I found myself wanting to run away again. To get far away from what I thought to be my mistakes and those who had harmed me. Instead, I found myself curled into a ball, propped up against the stove in my parent's kitchen, crying in the dark. I had no idea what to do with myself, I needed out of my emotions, my past, my sin... I need salvation. I was, of course, a Christian at the time, but I was so lost and confused about what that truly meant. I started to cry out to this God I had only recently begun to know. I begged Him from the depths of my soul to save me, to forgive me, and to redeem me. I felt a pain so deep, so beyond the surface, I thought I might literally rip in two. I cried out to Him from my anguished soul for the help and relief I had heard He promised. In the midst of my sobbing and begging and praying, I heard a voice. It softly whispered my name, "Tiffany." Normally, such a thing would frighten me, but this voice did not. I looked around best I could in the dark, thinking maybe I had awakened someone. But that wasn't really plausible because no one in the house would have just whispered my name. They would be yelling. Again, I heard the voice, "Tiffany." Something within me felt I knew this voice. I didn't have a name for it, but I knew heard it and I knew I wasn't going crazy. One final time I heard this voice, "Tiffany, it's okay," it soothed this time. I sat there, mesmerized. God was speaking to me. Not just to my soul, but to my ears. I had heard Him! I sat there for over an hour just in awe of His soothing voice. My soul was quieted, lighter, and full of a joy I had never known. My brokenness had been replaced. I always tried to rationalize that night, that voice, but I've never come up with anything but God to fulfill every aspect of that night. God is honestly enough for me.

I'm not sure if this helps you understand, my friend, but God is as real to me as you sitting next to me. Those are just two of many times He's made Himself known in my life. I'll spend all the days of my life seeking His face and trying to understand Him better. I can't make you believe me, but if you're interested in trying to understand or you want to ask more questions, I'm always available and up to the challenge to try to answer your questions as fully as I can. But, buddy, if you do wish to seek and dive in, you're gonna find that while there is a lot of concreteness to the faith, there's also things you can beat to death with "what ifs" and skepticism, only to realize we must sometimes simply walk by faith."

After I finished my little speech, my friend sat there, taking it all in. After a while of silence, he thanked me for my "thoughtful answer" (his words, not mine) and said he would definitely like to discuss this more in the future.

I don't have all the answers; I won't even pretend to. But I know what I know and I have my experiences - good and bad. I'm excited for the future of this young man. I hope that things keep moving forward and his soul is stirred deeply.

A Captured Memory: Coming Home

On November 30th 2011, I was awaken in Kuwait as I had been for the last few days - by the morning taps (not sure if that's what it's called exactly) - at 6am. I dressed in the dark of our ten-man tent that I shared with seven other sleeping females from the B Co unit. Afterwards, I set out for the ten-ish minute walk to the chow hall for a peaceful breakfast alone. I enjoyed the solitude after months of basically having no alone time at all. I enjoyed a nice, long, half-hour, sit-down breakfast then set out to see if the AT&T call center was working yet. It wasn't, of course, so I went next door to the Starbucks. I met up with a few friends there, had an awkward moment with the company 1sgt, then one of the guys and I walked back to the tent-living area. It was a quiet walk with little talk speculating about when we would be "home home". Despite that lack of enthusiasm, it was going to be a good long day for us. Good because we were leaving the middle east, long because, well, everything takes a long time to do in the army. My buddy and I parted ways and I proceeded to pack my last green duffel and play the army's infamous waiting game until it was time to load the trucks with our gear.

Finally, the time arrived for us to load our allotted bags - one large military issue ruck (which when packed fully, is bigger than me and probably weighs half, if not more, of my weight) and one standard green duffel. 232-ish bags and 3 truck loads later, we were finally finished. Eventually, we formed up and got all the typical commander's briefs, did roll call, then marched over to customs.

I don't know if any of you reading this have ever been through customs like this (and I've never done it any other time), but the way this works is you get all your bags scanned and then you dump every bit of it out so the Navy customs guys can inspect it for anything illegal by US law and the UCMJ (for those who don't know, that is Uniformed Code of Military Justice - a whole other law that all military personnel are bound by in addition to regular US laws). Normally every single soldier would go through this, but today they did only a 10% spot check. To choose the individuals for this, we were formed up in mass formation, regardless of your company, and every other line was pulled out into a smaller formation. Those pulled were to do the dreaded task of unpacking and repacking. Of course yours truly was in a chosen line. I walked to where our bags had been laid out, found mine, then went to the line for the scanners. I dragged the bags through and deposited them at the third tent to await the actual dumping of gear, then made my way over to fill out the rest of the customs paper work. A couple of hours later, I'm last to get my gear checked and then I joined the rest of the companies in the holding area, identified as Freedom something or other. It's there that we awaited the buses that would transport us to another airport in Kuwait City somewhere.

By midnight, Kuwait time, we are in another formation with our carry-ons front loaded and weapons strapped to our shivering bodies. We are led to the buses. I'm first in my group and take my seat in the back (since, of course, all buses should be loaded rear to front). Less than ten minutes later, the whole bus is full. At this point, we're pretty exhausted from the long day; hungry; and our pores are practically oozing sand from the non-stop sand blowing winds of Kuwait. We're crammed in pretty tight and we just want relief from our aforementioned ailments, in addition to the hot, smelly bus. About half an hour later, all the buses are fully loaded and we start our 1 - 1 1/2 hour trek to the airport.

I sat in my back corner spot, listening to my ipod shuffle, and pondering about all the had transpired over the last several months. Iraq had been an interesting experience. It wasn’t anything like I had really envisioned that it would be. I didn’t expect to grow so much. I didn’t expect to delve so deeply into my own heart and soul. I didn’t expect to see not only my faults, but also the good in me that Christ had revealed. I learned a great deal about not only myself, but also God and His people, things that no amount of going to college could really help me see.

I learned that sometimes, the strength within ourselves is only revealed to us when being strong is honestly the only choice we have left.

I learned that it isn’t until people are put in a constantly stressed life style that you see who they are and what they are truly made of.

I learned that I am, regrettably, extremely judgmental, but probably not how you'd imagine.

I learned that even in the darkest of moments, there is a Light.

I learned, truly learned, that my God loves me enough to pursue me. He will not let the darkness pull me beyond His reach.

I learned that some of the people you get closest to don’t have to be anything like you. They can be Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, black, white, yellow, young, old, it doesn’t matter. People are people are people. It just doesn’t matter where you come from and what you’ve done. I have come to think that maybe God sees us that way. In His grace and forgiveness, He will meet us where we are, no matter who we are and where we’ve been. He will love all of us with an everlasting love if we are repentant and seeking.

I learned that I am the worst of all sinners but I will never be stuck there because of God’s love for me.

I learned that I pick up languages really quickly. I can now carry on at minimum basic conversation in four languages (English and Spanish fluently, Arabic and Swahili only the basics).

I learned to give people second chances.

I learned that we are not meant to be alone. We need each other. We were created for communion with fellow humans. It is in sharing in one another’s lives that we catch a glimpse of His love, healing, and hope.

I learned that life is a lot better, even in the worst of situations, when you are not going through it alone. There are a lot of people who share in your experiences all over the world. Seeking those people out is so comforting.

I learned that people are hungrier for the Truth than I knew. They are hurting, broken, and some are even seeking. Praise be to God for His allowing me to share what He’s done in my life. All suffering in my life was worth it to share His love with even just one other man.

I learned that in my weakness, I am made strong through Him.

I learned that prayer is powerful, even if I do not understand it.

I learned that I could make a difference even in the little things.

I learned that nothing truly lasts forever in this life.

On the humorous side, I learned that flies like to mock us. If they mock, and attack us, we burn them. Haha.

I learned that going from a 130 (F) down to 40 (F) in a matter of a couple weeks is a definite no go.

I learned that you CAN make a secondary fighting position, pull-up bar, and signs all fit inside a burn barrel.

I learned that the Iraqi’s are not really so different from us. One of my good friends now is from Iraq. I hope to see him in America in the next 1-½ years.

I learned how important the body of Christ really is. I had never cared much for it to be honest. It wasn’t until I went through some of my weakest moments here that I saw how good that body could truly be. The communion God intended to be within His body is a beautiful thing. It taught me a lot about what it means to be family. My family isn’t limited to only those with the same blood as me; my family truly extends all over the world.

It was a crazy six months and I'm better for having experienced it.

My thoughts began to wind down as we pulled into the airport. Relief was just within reach. It lay in the plane off to our left. As we waited for our bus' turn to unload and enter the plane, the troops aboard became pretty restless. The plane was cool, had food, latrines, water, and pillows - it was everything we needed, but more importantly, it was going to take us home. This mission the army sent us on was coming to an end, we were going home, and we were more than ready to get there.

A representative from the airport came onto the bus, briefed us, and we were authorized to exit the bus and ascend onto our one way ticket home. Within an hour, give or take, the cargo was loaded in the belly of the plane and all of the soldiers departing had found a seat. Once we all had our basic needs accommodated, I looked around at those on the plane, nearly every single soldier was passed out from exhaustion. It stayed sleepy and silent for the majority of the five hour flight from Kuwait to Germany.

In Germany, we were given a couple hours at a holding point to call home, get online, lay down, smoke, socialize, etc. Then we boarded the plane for the last nine to ten hour stretch home. And that's where I'm currently penning this from - over the Atlantic Ocean at 5am CST in the states (I have no idea what day it is yet. haha). We're safe and we're coming home.

Veteran's Day Dedication

I remember stories of you when I was a young child.

I remember listening about you in amazement because you were so brave. You were my big older cousin in the army.

I remember the times we talked about me maybe one day joining (I did, of course).

I remember the times you visited, when you could get away from post long enough to come home. You always had stories for me about what I deemed to be "adventures of RD."

I remember you coming to our house with your parents and sister and what great times we had there.

I remember learning about the day you married Nikki (who I'm quite thankful for, by the way).

I remember Trey being born. He looks like you, you know.

I remember your daughter being born. She's so precious.

I remember, too, the day I found out about your death nearly a year ago. I was sitting in my office at work and my family called me. I couldn't even cry. It seemed so surreal because, even at 20, it seemed crazy for me to think someone so young and brave and loving could no longer be on this earth. My heart broke for your family.

I remember not being able to come say goodbye.

For most of this past year, I haven't even been able to look at an E-7 without feeling a twinge a sadness and mourning.

But someone said something today that made me realize, it's all right to remember. It's all right to hurt. But with that, it's also all right to remember who you were and how loving and brave you always were to me. I'm thankful for your presence in my life. I'm thankful for the family you have still here. I'm thankful for the commitment you made to our country.

Cousin, today is your day. It is a day to remember your achievements and sacrifices and the good life that you lived.

You're missed. You're loved. And I pray you are at peace.

R.I.P D and happy Veteran's day, champ

SFC R.D. Lightfoot 9 March 1975 - 8 December 2010

Sights of Inner Turmoil

I saw you the other day, at that briefing all of the base has to have. I saw you walk in and my heart stopped. My breath felt as though it'd been knocked out of me. I felt myself begin to tremble. I thought to myself, "There's the man who no longer loves me, who no longer wants any part in my life. There's the one abandoned me without cause."

I quickly turned around. I hoped you wouldn't notice me. Did you? And yet, at the same time I secretly hoped you would realize that the only female sitting on our side of the room was in fact me.

I stayed turned around as the boring brief commenced, but the whole time all I could think about was how much I wanted to go to you and talk. How much I wanted to hug you and feel your warm, strong arms embrace me too. I ignored the urge and when the brief was over, I stole one more glance back. Everyone in your unit had gotten up and headed out, but there you were, over in a corner talking with an NCO. I just stared at you as long as I dared to.

I forced myself to turn back around and look away. I turned one final time, just in time to watch you walk away without a thought, just like you did with us.

I miss you in my life.

Melting

I sat, frustrated, in the warm room with beige colored walls attempting to update the database of a system used for my job. The first update failed and, out of my building pent up frustration, I let a slew of profanity escape past my lips. I restarted the annoying device and as I waited for it reboot back up, God made Himself known.

"Why are you afraid, Dear Child? Why do you keep Me from your heart? Why, My Beloved, do you not love me with all your heart?"

I didn't even bother pretending not to know what He meant. I let my frustration out, "That's my problem: You. Your love. How to love. How /I/ love You? I'm unworthy, impure, foul, and unloveable! And I just don't know how to love you with all of me!"

A coolness passed through the warm room. I breathed it in and felt suddenly lighter. "Precious One, you put so much guilt in between our relationship. Give Me your burdens, sins, and shame. Give it to Me and let Me, in My Holiness, teach you what it is to love Me. I love YOU, My Beloved. I traded my Son's spotless life for yours, so we can share in My love as one. Come, be My Bride. Be My Princess."

Somehow this changes things. I can't explain how, but something once ensnaring my heart in a poisonous ice has begun to melt away. My Creator is mending my brokenness. I won't always be in pieces. He's the Light that won't crush me.

Does it matter?

It feels like I'll never understand anything. I'll never really know anything about God, love, people, relationships, family, philosophy... anything. I'll never really understand myself and where I fit in the world. And yet, I can't help but wonder, does the understanding really matter? We strive for a clear way for so much of our lives. We try so hard while running around in the dark. So... does it matter? I really don't know. To know if it matters, it seems I have to "understand" a multitude of other things about the Bible, humanity, etc. It's a continuous circle.

Maybe this is why some people do drugs... they come to this thought and find it circular and a tremendous pondering to unravel, so they go about their life, not understanding and not caring to anymore, all the while the drugs numb their pensive minds.

Let it rain! =)

Let my world crash.

Let it fall away and fall from underneath me.

Let everything go wrong.

Let misery strike me where I stand.

Let my heart break even more.

Let all these things happen and then some.

Why?

Because I am not alone.

Because it is not with my own strength that I stand.

Because with these hard times, Yahweh will be made known.

Because blessed are those who suffer.

Because as Christ suffered, so shall we.

What will I do when brokenness surrounds me?

I will shout Your praises!

I will run to You and hide in Your safety.

I will seek Your face.

I will give my heart to You.

I will love my enemy.

Yahweh, You are everything good.

You are everything beautiful.

You are everything!

You are the light.

You are wisdom.

You are righteous, great, and pure!

You are my glorious and reigning God!!

Let the world shake me.

You promised to never leave me

And I have come to know Your promises are Truth!!

Yahweh, come to this heart.

Fill it.

Make me less of me and more of You!

I love You, Yahweh.

I love You!

I can't hold back the tears tonight

Does your heart ache? Mine does. It feels like someone took a stake, placed it over my heart, and then rammed it into my chest with a sledge hammer. It's a physical ache, a real ache. Most days, God grants me peace and freedom from the pain, but there are other days, like today, where I feel it so deeply, it's as though I may die. It's a painful wound lying open and bare for anyone to see.

I can understand why God would have us not be together. I can understand why this may be for the best. But no amount of understanding can diminish my love for you. No matter how much you hurt me, I still love you.

I love you desperately and deeply. I thought you were the man I would marry. I thought I'd spend my life with you. I thought I'd share everything I had with you. I thought we'd figure out this life together. I thought we'd explore the world together. I thought you loved me as much as I did you. The thought of a life without you... it's almost unbearable.

I don't want anyone else. I want to love you. I want you. With every fiber of my being, I want you. I want your mistakes, your failures, your sadness, your laughter, your thoughts, yes even your talk of gadgets and the military.

You're kind and gentle and protective. You're loving and patient and compassionate. You act when you see things that need to be done. You're a leader, but you know how to follow. And even though you feel so lost about God, when you know He tells you something, you do it with passion. You're not perfect. You have your faults, but so do I.

I love you in a way I never believed was possible. I love you with everything within me. After 4 years of good times, bad times, hundreds of adventures, and long nights, that love is not returned. You were my best friend. I'd have waited for you forever. You were the one for me.

From my desolate heart to Your unyielding ears

Yahweh,

It's all I can do to utter Your name. My heart aches. My eldest brother's heart is hurting so deeply. He's in trouble and he's separated from nearly everything that means the most to him. Knowing he aches makes me shake with pain for him. As much as I'd love to take his heart ache onto myself, I know I cannot. So please, Abba, show him Your love. Speak his name. Let him know that no matter the outcome of this, You're there and he's not alone. I can't be there for my brother beyond my prayers, so please, hear my cries to You.

There's more. My heart aches for so much more. I struggle to forgive my other brother every day. You ask that we forgive as You have forgiven us. I no more deserve Your grace, love, and mercy than he does, and yet, I have it. Help me to forgive, to find Your love for him within myself, and to heal from the things that remind me of things past. He's broken too and in need of Your grace and mercy. Please, speak his name too. So many people do not like him and find him beyond help. He's not beyond you. So please, find a way to reach my brother. Move in his life. He needs You.

And still, there's more. It's been ten months since my cousin died. I know it has not been easy for his wife and children. It's been so hard and they've been so strong. I don't know how she does it honestly. Comfort her in the times it's the hardest. Catch her tears and quiet her soul. Be near to her. I still miss him, too. Every time I see an E-7 here, my heart sinks a little more with grief because that's the rank he was. I wish I'd gotten to say goodbye or just see him one more time. He is dearly missed, Yahweh, and those of us still here need Your comfort and eternal peace. I beg You to hear my cries to You.

Even more. My mother is anguish, too. She's still in the process of recovering from a major back surgery while dealing with everything going on with her children. But even more than that, she struggles with unforgiveness for herself. I think at times, it is crushing to her soul. She has no idea about the truth of Your love, grace, mercy, and sacrifice made in Christ. Show her Your truth. Teach her Your ways. Raise her in You as You have done with me. She never really had a father to guide her. She needs You to guide her through her life and the chaos within her. I think I forgive her, Abba, but I also think it is time she know Your forgiveness is of much greater value than mine. I can only pray that if she could really see You and Your mercy, she'd forgive herself for her mistakes. Chase her, Yahweh.

One last heart ache. My nana. Yahweh, my heart is truly in shambles for her. I miss her so much I can feel it in my core. She has not even left earth yet, but she will never be who she was. Yahweh, I miss who she was so much. I find myself in tears when I remember the day she forgot me. I find myself longing to run to her and have her remember everything. I want to ask her so many things I will now never know. I will never again know her hugs, or her kisses, or the warmth of her smile. I am so thankful she has had 88 years with us, as of yesterday. I pray that when she finally does leave us, it is swift and peaceful. I pray that you ease that sadness I know dwells within my eldest brother about her too. She is so loved and she isn't even capable of knowing it. Yahweh, watch over her, and if You can, let her know how much I love her and she means to me.

My family is going through so much right now Yahweh. I know that Your hands can work great things from the pain, as they have in my life many times.

Even though things are hard right now, I must still give You thanks and praises, for I know in the depths of my soul, You are here with me. I know You will never leave me. I know You are in control and for that I am so thankful. I'm thankful I woke up this morning. I'm thankful I have the body of Christ, the church, to support and pray for me. I'm thankful for the sunrises You show me every morning. I'm thankful for the peace You give my soul when it is a raging sea. I'm thankful for Jesus and His sacrifice for me so that I might know You and feel Your love for me so deeply.

Savior I come, quiet my soul. Remember. Redemptions hill, where Your blood was spilled. For my ransom. And everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss. Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to You. Oh, lead me, lead me to the cross.

This is my prayer, Father.

Love,

a daughter fighting the war within

Contemplations Before Bed

I tend to get into religious conversation with others quite often. I want to know what others believe, what opinion/objections/questions they may have of the faith I hold on to, and I want to know how others live out what they believe, whether that be belief in a deity or not. Recently, I have come across a few topics that many group together: predestination, free will, and the foreknowledge of God. I thought I knew what I thought about these things, but found I was relatively lost on the matters. Considering the time constraints I am under here, extensive research was rather limited; therefore, I had to resort to using what appears logical to me (though that in itself can be faulty) and looking into God’s Word. Here’s what I came up with.

1. Predestination: We are all predestined for Heaven. That’s why Christ died on the cross for us. We were designed for communion with Yahweh and to be in His presence.

Biblical examples:
• “This is how much God loved the world: He gave His Son, His one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in Him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life.” John 3:16 (The Message). – God Himself came down to earth in the flesh and took on all our sins so we could have a way to Him. He chooses all of us.
• “Out of sheer generosity, He put us in right standing with Himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we were in and restored us to where He always wanted us to be. And He did it by means of Jesus Christ.” Romans 3:24 (The Message). – He restored us to where He always wanted us to be, with Him. He gives this gift freely to any and all who will believe. He wants us all, desperately, passionately. He wants us all.

2. Freewill: God is all about love and relationship. He made us because love naturally creates. Since God is love, it is natural He would create us. He then did the loving thing of giving us a way to Him (predestining us to be with Him). However, because He loves, we get to choose how to respond to Him. We can choose a life with Him or a life without Him. That’s the relationship part – a relationship is what He desires of us. He did His part, now we get to choose how to respond to that. We could not truly love Him if we did not have freewill.

Biblical examples:
• A man stopped Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good things must I do to get eternal life?” Jesus said, “Why do you question me about what’s good? God is the One who is good. If you want to enter the life of God, just do what He tells you.” The man asked, “what in particular?” Jesus said, “Don’t murder, don’t commit adultery, don’t steal, don’t lie, honor your mother and father, and love your neighbor as yourself.” The young man said, “I’ve done all that. What’s left?” “If you want to give it all you’ve got,” Jesus replied, “go sell your possessions; give everything to the poor. All your wealth will then be in Heaven. Then come follow me.” That was the last thing the young man expected to hear. And so, crestfallen, he walked away. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and he couldn’t bear to let go. –Matthew 19: 16-22 (The Message). The young man was invited to follow God fully, but was given the choice to do so or not. He walked away from giving His life to Christ.
• “God sacrificed Jesus on the altar of the world to clear that world of sin. Having faith in him sets us in the clear. God decided on this course of action in full view of the public—to set the world in the clear with himself through the sacrifice of Jesus, finally taking care of the sins he had so patiently endured. This is not only clear, but it's now—this is current history! God sets things right. He also makes it possible for us to live in his rightness” Romans 3:26 (The Message). This really applies to the last topic and this one. The thing that stands out to me in this verse is the last sentence when it says “He also makes it possible for us to live in His rightness”. It just comes across as our choosing not being forced. It’s a possibility, but we get the choice.
• In Genesis 3:6, Adam and Eve make the detrimental choice to live apart from God by listening to the serpent. They were created whole and pure and in total communion with Yahweh, but still, He wanted them to be able to choose to love Him; He didn’t want robots. So He gave them but one command to obey – do not eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge. They chose not to obey, but the point is, they had the choice, the freewill to make that mistake.

3. Foreknowledge: Some people propose that God’s foreknowledge of things takes away from our ability to have freewill. I kind of see it as being likened to a chess match. Just because I know what move you will make does not really change the fact that you are going to make it. My knowledge has no consequence because it is just that – knowledge. This is not to say that God cannot prevent something from happening, or intervene, or cause things to be a certain way, but it is to say that His knowledge does not take away our freedom to choose how things will happen and the way we will live.

Biblical examples:
• “Think about this. Wrap your minds around it. This is serious business, rebels. Take it to heart. Remember your history, your long and rich history.
I am God, the only God you've had or ever will have— incomparable, irreplaceable—
From the very beginning telling you what the ending will be.
 All along letting you in on what is going to happen,
Assuring you, 'I'm in this for the long haul, I'll do exactly what I set out to do,'
Calling that eagle, Cyrus, out of the east, from a far country the man I chose to help me.
I've said it, and I'll most certainly do it. I've planned it, so it's as good as done.” Isaiah 46: 8-11 (The Message). Yahweh is, and has been from the beginning, in the process of making a beautiful story for all of us. A story of love, redemption, and hope. He knows the ending to our stories; to the story of humanity. He will let us make our choices, but He will use them for His glory and bringing about restoration of His creation to Himself.
• “For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.” 1 John 3:20 (The Message). God already knows who we are at our cores. He knows who where we come from, and who we will be.
• “Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you. The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.” Psalm 139:16 (The Message). Abba knows our lives ahead of time.

Each of these topics go far beyond this general outline of thinking, I’m well aware of that. I’m also quite aware that I could be totally wrong, but I’m content with knowing what I know. I trust Yahweh. My knowing the intricate workings of such concepts doesn’t really detract from anything in my life. These are merely ponderings many men have ruminated on long before I was ever born.

A Holy Sunrise

The sun rose this morning, as it has every morning before it and as it shall every morning until the end of time. I sat in my favorite spot after work, as I have many mornings before, and I was given the blessing of watching the beautiful birth of light grow out of darkness. The sky was painted with stunning, elegant colors; the birds were flying so prettily within the light; and the sun rays broke over the few trees that were near me. It was such an astounding morning view. It took my breath away and I found my heart worshipping the Creator of the glory before me. It was at this moment that Yahweh felt the need to speak to me about my recent struggle with truly loving others.

This is for you, My Princess. This is an expression of My love for you. There's nothing I wouldn't do to show you that, Beloved.

-is silent-

Speak to me, My child. Speak to me of your heart.

Yahweh, You love me. You love me when I'm most unworthy and running from You. You've shown me the greatest expression of love through Jesus. So, what am I missing? If I am so loved by You, why do I find my love for others beyond lacking and shallow?

My Love, when you begin to see people as more than objects to be changed and fixed and begin to see them as the precious souls I sent My Son for, your love will change. Lead them to Me, let Me change their hearts (remember Pharaoh?) and heal them. But you, My Dear One, love them how they need it most. Stop waiting for opportunities to love when they are right in front of you, Beloved. Stop solely seeing their actions and see their souls.

-is silent again-

Child, what else troubles your heart?

Abba, sometimes I think I'm really right. Sometimes I think I know better than the ones I talk to. I get frustrated when they don't see as I do. I am sorry; I know this is my arrogance and pride airing themselves loudly, but that's how I feel.

Dear, truly loving others isn't about being right. It's not about you and it's not about expressing your own ideas of who I am. It's about leading them to Me and the life of eternal freedom I can give them. It's about bringing them to worship Me. Let Me show you: My Son and I are one. He is Me, and I, Him. He came to earth and instead of demanding His own way, He gave His life to serving others, out of love. He did this all the way up to My greatest expression of love for you, My Beloved - the cross. Look to My Son. By doing so, you'll see what it means to have a humble heart of servitude and love, Beloved.

I love You, Yahweh. Thank You for this. Thank You for Jesus. Thank You for forgiving me and loving me even when I'm so lost about so many things.

I then found myself wrapped in the warmth and colors of the enchanting Iraqi sunrise. It was like being hugged by God Himself. A soft wind passed over my face, as if to gently kiss my cheek. I felt more love bursting within me than I'd felt in so long. It was so beautiful and holy. I'm not perfect, but I'm loved wholly by the One who is.

This Heart Has Hope

This heart beats
with a faint sad beat.
This heart beats out
tears,
anguish,
despair,
loneliness,
and dwindling hope.
This heart beats for
a Light,
a promise of a better tomorrow,
the hope its sad self can still bring to so many,
a Love everlasting.
This heart has felt
so much
so quickly
but this heart,
it does not beat on its own.
The faint beating
is the sound of
the Creator
breathing new life
into this sad heart.

Eye Opener

I just realized something.
I knew God leading me to the desert would be a spiritual experience to behold. Many great men before me have gone into the desert and come out better for it. But these men are not sent to the desert without trials and temptations. They suffer in some way. Yet, all the while, they give thanks to God and find joy to shout His praises. Have I forgotten Who leads me so quickly? I've forgotten. I've failed miserably at withstanding temptations. I've fallen into sin, despair, and anguish, but of my own accord. I have been tried and found less than true. However, because of the sacrifice my Savior made for me, I am not doomed to be stuck here. I can be redeemed. I can be forgiven. I can get my heart back and it can be full again.

Satan has filled my head with lies. He lies when he says I am not loved. When he says I am alone. When he says that if I were to never exist, it wouldn't make a bit of difference to anyone. When he says to give in to whatever my body commands, to become my body's slave. When He says my God is a liar and fake and cannot save me. He lies!

Yahweh, save me. Open my eyes. Shield my heart. Hear my cries. Rescue me. Help me withstand temptation. Fill me with Your everlasting joy and unending love. Forgive me for what I've done and will do. Teach me what is right and how to march upon the path of righteousness. In my human frailty, I love You.

Love Covers All

All this time I have been thinking that I had God figured out. I thought He was the man who made the rules, I was the girl who always broke them, and then He was the man who hated me deeply until I could find a way to be perfect. I thought I was always doomed to disappoint Him, despite His insistence of that whole loving me thing. I was never going to be good enough. Ever.

Last night, it dawned on me how wrong I was. Yes, God hates sin, but He is also a loving, merciful, and justice-filled God who judges the heart and its intentions. He's also a God who is deeply in love (not hate) with His creation. His love is so foreign to us. Not even the most well-behaved person is deserving of His love and grace and mercy.

And yet... our God's heart is broken for our fallen selves. He longs for communion with us so much that He died for us, for me. My God loves me and His heart breaks every time I turn away from Him in my heart and actions, for He know I'm turning away from Love itself.

Knowing this, in this way, makes it easier to understand how He could forgive me and welcome me with opens when I run back to Him willingly.

"Since you are precious in My sight, since you are honored and I love you, I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life." -Isaiah 43:4

Everlasting God

I've often heard that the God of the New Testament is not the same as the God of the Old Testament. They say there is no way He is the same because of God's character throughout each. I always had trouble reconciling the two characters of God. Or what I thought was two separate characters. Then I read this verse:

Jesus then appeared, arriving at the Jordan River from Galilee. He wanted John to baptize him. John objected, "I'm the one who needs to be baptized, not you!" But Jesus insisted, "Do it. God's work, putting things right all these centuries, is coming together right now in this baptism." So John did it. - Matthew 3:13-15

After I read it, I realized a few things. First, I can't just take the word of those I deem as leaders. Even leaders can be wrong. I can't look to other humans to tell me what to think. I have to look to God and His infinite wisdom. If I don't, I'll be led quite astray.

Second thing was a recurrence of the theme that has been resounding throughout my life since I got to Kuwait: we are in a story far larger than we can see. It is beyond us. Jesus tells John "God's work, putting all things right all these centuries, is coming together right now in this baptism." We are a part of something so much grander. I find an almost surreal peace at the thought that all my suffering and the suffering of those around me has not been for naught. It does have purpose. In retrospect, some of it is easy to see, but some still, I must take it on faith alone that He has a plan.

The last thing I saw goes back to my opening paragraph and my second point, tying them together. If we are in a story, if God has these grand plans for us, if He is so much larger than us, and if we are limited in our finite knowledge, then how can we say that the God of Israel in the Old Testament is any different than the God the Father in the New Testament? How can we say we know what is truly loving? Horrible things were allowed to happen and God told armies to annihilate places, but maybe He has a higher developed sense of love and justice. How can we know for sure that they are so different? I don't think they're different. I think God is, was, and always will be the God that He started out to be. My God is everlasting. My God is the God of love.

Euphoria

I don't understand what is going on with me. I feel a complete inability to feel anything of a less than happy nature. I mean, it is not like I want to be sad or angry or anything like that, but that lack of being even capable of it seems to be a bit worrisome. Pain is how we know where we are inside ourselves. It gauges us. Maybe I feel none of that because I am so enthralled with being where I am. I really am happy here. I've never been so happy. I think the euphoria has ensnared me. I can't say I don't like it but I know that when the euphoric state deadens some, everything else will crash down upon me again. I think this is the calm before a storm. God, what are you doing?

Somewhere new

I just got to Kuwait City, Kuwait yesterday evening. I've never been to this part of the world so during the two hour ride from the air port I had a lot to take in and think about. These are my first initial thoughts upon entering the coutnry.

• The interstate type thing we drove on, I had no idea where it went to and from. It was just road and desert. It kind of made me think of life. What is the function and purpose of the roads we travel?


• The people around here, at least the younger ones, seem laid back. We were driving down what we Americans call an interstate and in the middle between the two opposing lanes of traffic flows is just sand. Several times while we rode, I saw people just chilling in that middle section. One group of young kids started a pick up game of soccer! A man was sitting and having a chat with a friend. Trucks were stopped, taking breaks and relaxing. It's stuff we would probably consider crazy and out of the ordinary but I like it. I like it a lot.


• I smiled at children in some cars as they passed us by and their eyes lit up. I don't really know what to make of that. Does it reflect what they think we normally think of them?


• I want to not only experience the geography and atmosphere, but also the culture and interact with the local nationals.


• I want to play soccer with the children.


• I'd tell the people of Christ even if the Army has already told me not to...


• I've never known desperation of the soul to where I thirst and hunger literally for God. I think I need to. I've known suffering but maybe there's a point to it. Maybe there's a wholeness that can come only from having suffered and finding such a desperation. If so, I have more suffering to do.


• I feel convinced even more that medical missions is what I should do. I feel more convicted to love the wounded souls and hurting people.


• I don't understand the true meaning of love, let alone what it means to love my enemies. God, help me.


• I don't know how I am supposed to feel but I am excited to be here. Excited to see outside the world I've always been in. Excited to see what God does with my heart. Excited to do our mission. I'm excited.


• I miss the landscape of Kentucky.


• The more I see and the more I think, the more it seems likely that America is kind of a brainwashed fool. Like a child that doesn't quite know right from wrong and up from down. America reminds me of Israel.


• We are all lost. I am probably among the most lost.


• It is easy to read about Jesus going to the desert for 40 days and nights in the Bible and think it is cool. But it wasn't until I saw this desert, similar to what He must have been in, that I realized how incredible it is that He could go so long without food, water, and all the while being tempted. That's crazy. He's incredible. It makes it real, being out here. Puts things into perspective.

So, that was what went on in my head during that two hour drive from the airport to the base we are at. And this is only the beginning. God's going to do great things in this desert.

Heaven's Wager Inspired

I've often wondered why friends and loved ones had to die. Why would I be allowed to get close to them and know them only for them to leave me? Not really making it about me, but just trying to understand the loss I felt. I never understood, so I stayed hurting for them and myself. I know we are not originally intended to die, but sin has left our physical bodies with no other choice. So then I turned to God. "God, how could you take this person from me? I needed them in my life." But the more I thought of my pleas for understanding and comfort, the more I saw a few things.

First, the children and ones truly in love with Christ and God, they are so much better off, that it would beyond selfish to wish them back to a place such as this. They've fought the good fight and are now dancing at the feet of the Father. They don't have to suffer any more kinds of pain. For that, I am so thankful. This gives me comfort.

Second, regardless of their faith or lack thereof, I believe God has plans for us. I believe He is up to something grand and admirable and amazing. And I believe that His glory and love are the ultimate reason for His actions. He is beckoning His children to know and love Him of their own free will. He will not force them, but He will not stop pursuing them. If it takes someone's death to do that, so be it.

Finally, stemming from the last thing, I have to keep this phrase in the forefront of my mind, "God, what are you up to now?" If God has plans for us and all things work together for the good of those who love Him, then this is all one large story and we each get a role in it. We are all main characters who don't quite know the entire plot. We catch glimpses but since we didn't write our story, we aren't entirely sure what it entails. Horrible things happen to us, terrible things. People die. People go to war. People are raped. People are addicts. Horrible things go on in this world, but God is the Eternal Author. He doesn't like evil, but He will use this, use us, to bring glory for those who love Him.

None of this takes away the pain of the horrid things that happen, but it gives me insight. God knows better than me. He knows the bigger story. He knows the grand plans. He knows everything. My pain and lack of understanding don't make God evil and it doesn't mean He doesn't exist or care. We are so foolish to think we have the ability to figure this life and God out. We can't. God is love. And I have to hold on to the Truth that my Father would never do anything outside of the name of Love.

Yahweh, I don't know what you are up to in my part of the story right now. I have no clue. I just know I need some comfort as the story plays out. I need wisdom and guidance. I'm so limited in my sights and I'm fearful of not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Sustain me through my trials and burdens. Don't let my hand go. Thank you for Your forgiveness and grace and mercy. Guide me, forgive me, love me, and use me, despite my obvious shortcomings. Even in my lack of understanding and frail humanity, I love you, Dad.

The justice of immortality...

Ever feel the weight of seriousness pressing upon your soul?
It's like all the small stuff can no longer be in comparison.
It's as if the only important things, surrounding death, surface.
Somehow, you see and feel that burden of death beckoning.
You feel your immortality.
No, the small stuff just doesn't compare when facing our own immortality.
There was then, but now... now, there is just the here and now.
Are we ready to see what lies ahead?
I feel I know.
I feel I have a clue.
Death waits for no one.
That's the frightening thing.
It shall steal us from day, like a thief in the night.
Will we stand ready to defend ourselves with His armor?
Will He be our defender?
Or will He be our condemner?
Are we ready?

Dying Inside and Out

Death of those we care for and love deeply affects a lot of us. It comes with painful memories, loneliness, and questions. It also comes with a forgetfulness. We forget that this isn't what we were made for, this dying thing.

We weren't born to die. We were made to live, and live abundantly at that. Death wasn't part of the original plan. Pain wasn't part of the original plan. God made Adam and Eve in a beautiful garden and gave them a rich abundant life, physically and spiritually. Until sin and death entered the picture. Death and evil sought to take captive the very life of God's most sacred creation, us.

I've lost loved ones and close friends. I know the constant heart ache; the waves of crushing pain; the feeling of hating, despising, the world for continuing on without that person. But even with all that hurt and anguish, I can't let those emotions keep me from seeing God. I don't understand His ways. He says, "my ways are not your ways." I trust Him. I trust Him with my heart ache, with my doubts, with my seemingly unanswerable questions about His nature and evil. God tells me that one day, we will stop dying. One day, we won't hurt anymore. One day, we'll have answers. One day, we'll have true rest. One day, we will be restored to Eden.

It's too late for me to talk to the people in my life who have passed and didn't know God and Christ's sacrifice. But there are others in my life. There's now. I trust God will use my pain and experience to tell others the Truth. I pray He uses me wherever I am, despite my own shortcomings.

Our physical bodies will one day perish, but our souls will live on and have their truest desire. We'll get what we want in the end - an eternity with God or without Him. With Him, there is hope, love, and peace. Without Him, there is nothing but seeking that which you can no longer obtain - a relationship with God. What do you want?

Words of Truth

Words are in my soul
But they evade escape.
They must be in fear of
Seeing the world.
They are words of Truth.
They have power.
Power to free.
Power to captivate.
Power to change history.
One day soon, I pray,
These words shall view
All the world
In all their Truthful glory.
Until that day,
These words will remain
Dwelling along the corridors
Of a mending soul.

Holiness

Where is holiness in the midst of war?

There's a keen sense of it when King David went to war.

There's the undeniable notion every time the Israelites went to battle.

Where is that now?

Particularly within myself.

There's this battle I have to fight. A war.

To be honest, I have to fight two wars.

There's this physical war, the one in Iraq I'll soon be part of.

I have to be physically and mentally prepared for it and know my role as a solider.

I feel like this is the easiest of the wars.

I'm almost certain any other soldier would disagree with that, but most don't see the world as I do.

Then there's this spiritual battle.

I think this is the hardest war of all.

I fight with all that is within me to be holy and be of God, but the battle never lulls.

It never ends.

Sometimes I become fatigued. I become weak. I give in.

Sometimes I need just mere moment of silence in His presence. A chance to regroup and ask the ultimate Commander what move I should make next.

I'm a full time soldier in a war that has already been won but will not end until death. But until that death, how do I find true holiness and purity? These battles are so brutal. They draw blood. They rip souls from our bodies. They're heated, passionate, and unrelenting. What do I do with that? Is there even a purity there? I think there is. I think there is a beauty to these wars. A beauty only few every really know. A beauty that will require much self sacrifice to know.

Oh, Adonai, how much of myself am I truly willing to give for Your holiness that I seek?

Will it be enough to carry me through the desert, like with Abraham or Jesus?

In You my weakness is made strong.

I need an unmoving strength.

I need holiness.

Be a light for my feet, guide my hands, steer my soul.

I need You to fight with me and, at times, for me.

I need You, Yahweh.

In my human frailty, I love You.

Tears won't wash this away...

Hey, it's been a while, you. I just want you to know how deeply you are missed. It's like the world is somehow a sadder place without you in it. I wish I knew that crying would mend these wounds and give you life. I try so hard to leave this heartache in God's hands, but damn it, this pain is overwhelming and I'm not strong enough to forfeit it to His hands every day. Today was hard. It's the first time I've really cried about your death. I miss you. I hurt for those who also grieve for your death. I wish I knew you could read this; or hear me when I cry; or see us just one more time. Sometimes I'm so mad at you, but I've never stopped loving you. Maybe one day we'll see you again. I can only pray.

I love you, with all my heart.

Psalm of my Night

My tormentors greet me once more, Oh Lord.
Shame and guilt,
quilt me in their safety.
Anger and fear,
entrap me in their lies.
Pain and agony,
befriend me with deceit.
Apathy welcomes me,
as a warm friend.
Hurt falls in every tear.
How long will I be surrounded?
How long will I be trembling without protection?
How long until you free me from my prisoners?
Forgive me for caving in when I couldn't see You.
Forgive me for forgetting Your sweet name.
Search my heart and know it seeks Yours.
Forgiveness granted, I praise You.
Praise be to You for the goodness.
I see it glimmer in my despair and darkness.
I see it boldly weave through my captor's maze of tricks.
Praise be to You for joy in pain.
My hurt is so deep,
but in You I find a reason to sing.
Praise be to You for everlasting Love.
Such a Love redeems my brokenness.
It picks up the remnants of my shattered self.
It pieces them together with new life.
Oh, Adonai!
Free me. Forgive me. Love me.

Faithfulness

I was reading that last bit of The Sacred Romance and it got me thinking. It got me thinking about suffering and why we do. I thought about Job and all he endured. I thought about my life and the things I've endured. I thought about my friends and the world around me and all the horrible things that go on. I asked myself the timeless question, "Why would God let us suffer? Why would He willingly allow Satan room on the leash he's on so he can torment us?" Normally I feel unsettled by this question and resolve to just give myself the traditional Christian answers or I just stop thinking about the topic all together. It's easier that way.
However, today I just thought about it a while. Here's what I sort of concluded:

Our ultimate purpose in life is to glorify God and to worship Him. We must be faithful to Him and worship Him. I know God does not cause suffering because He is a just and good God, but I also know He does allow it to happen. So what if we are allowed to suffer to see how faithful we are willing to remain? If our ultimate purpose is to worship Him above all else, what if He wants to see how true our worship really is? In Job, the man lost all of his children, all of his servants, all of his land, livestock, even his health. And when push came to shove, his wife told him to "go ahead and curse God and die". His friends told him it was his secret sins that must be the cause of all this, etc. In the end, Job remains faithful, after much struggle with God over why he had to suffer. God gives him everything he lost but doubled. None of the new things could ever replace the hurt of losing the old, but he learned about true worship and faithfulness. His suffering was so great, but so was his faith. We are never told exactly why God allowed all of this pain and suffering but maybe God is more concerned with the character we develop during strife and our faithfulness and true worship than He is with our happiness. Maybe those things are more important. I dunno. Just thinking here.

If you're suffering and know Christ, be faithful. He cares about what happens to you and your heart. Run to Him in your sufferings and worship Him with all you have left. As Christ suffered, so must we too.

I'll always remember...

I remember being little and just absolutely cherishing the times I got to come to your house.
I remember car rides with you. Even that time you crossed a railroad track WHILE THE TRAIN WAS COMING! Haha.
I remember that old treadmill. You used to hate it when I'd roll on it without turning it on. You never let me turn it on =P
I remember the first time I ever rode my little bike the 5 blocks or so to your house.
I remember that time I fell from the top of the stairs. You scooped me up and held me tight. You made sure I was all right and loved me right back to happiness.
I remember running around your yard while you just smiled and watched.
I remember riding that yellow dump truck all over the house.
I remember that time I lost two teeth eating a bag a chips, and then the next morning woke up with 10$ under my pillow!
I remember creeping down into your basement, even when you told me not to, and your scolding me because it wasn't safe for tiny little girls.
I remember going on those walks to the mailbox down and across the street. I was always so excited to be the one to open the mailbox.
I remember all the talks we had sitting on your bed. I could talk to you for hours. I loved your stories and you always loved mine.
I remember you showing me how to cook little things.
I remember you teaching me things.
I remember you being one of my heros.
Oh, I remember so very many good things.
But I also remember when you got sick.
I remember the day you forgot who I was.
I'll remember today too. You're so frail and sick now.

I miss you already and you're not even gone.
I miss your stories.
I had so many more questions for you. So much I wanted to know.


I miss you, Nana. I'll always remember who you were.

My God, My Comforter

God, nothing is going right lately.
My heart is a mess.
My thoughts are so cloudy I could cut the mist with a knife.
I'm sad.
I'm hurt.
I'm angry.
I'm lost.
I'm confused.
I'm scared.
I have no idea where north is.
What is right?
What's worth debating?
What is worth letting go?
Where am I suppose to go?
What am I suppose to do there?
I'm a mess. A frightened mess.
And I feel all alone.

Adonai, despite all my inner turmoil,
I know You can guide me though it,
and so I shall still praise You.
I thank You for wiping my tears.
Thanks for the warm weather.
Thanks for my books.
Thanks for my family.
Thanks for my home.
Thanks for clean water,
more than enough clothes,
enough food to eat.
Thanks for hope,
love,
redemption.
Father, thanks for Your goodness and love.
Thank You for being the most high God whom I can turn to.
Thank You for Your constant presence in my life.
Thank You for all the things I could never deserve.

Thank You for Jesus. I'm so sorry I'm the reason Your Son had to die, but I'm eternally thankful You sent Him.

Love,
Your Daughter

Centrality of the Heart

The subsequent quote is something my heart has felt for the longest time but never could quite put it into words. It is an excerpt from the book The Sacred Romance:

"For above all else, the Christian life is a love affair of the heart. it cannot be lived primarily as a set of principles or ethics. It cannot be managed with steps and programs. It cannot be lived out exclusively as a moral code leading to righteousness. In response to a religious expert who asked him what he must do to obtain real life, Jesus asked a question in return:

'What is written in the Law?... How do you read it?'
He answered: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
'You have answered correctly,' Jesus replied. 'Do this and you will live.' (Luke 10:26-28)

The truth of the gospel is intended to free us to love God and others with our whole heart. When we ignore this heart aspect of our faith and try to live out our religion solely as correct doctrine or ethics, our passion is crippled, or perverted, and the divorce of our soul from the heart purposes of God toward us is deepened."

Forgive me; Comfort me; Thank You

God. Dad. Father.
I've failed.
I'm so sorry.
I need your forgiveness.
I am weak.
The things I want to do, I do not.
The things I don't want to do, I do.
Where will it end!?!
I feel doomed to be trapped where I am forever.
That isn't the case but that is what it feels like.
I know my words might not mean much,
but I'm so very sorry for who I've become
and what I've done.

Dad, I not only need your forgiveness,
but also your comfort.
It's been almost three years exactly since Corry died.
I can still feel the pain of that day.
It's echoing through my being
and burning to my core.
Words are hopeless at capturing the hurt.
However painful it might be for us,
I can't imagine how hard it is for Chris and his parents.
I beg you to continue to comfort them during this time.
Please.
Comfort all of us and heal our pain if it is your will.
Let it be your will, not ours.

Father, also, even though my soul feels it is in a rough place,
thank You for the trees.
For the hills.
For the rain.
For the beautiful green chlorophyll.
For that magnificent rainbow you showed me the other day.
For my very breath.
For my mind.
For your love.
But most of all, thank You for Your Son. He died that I might know you and worship you.
I fail so often and I feel so unworthy, but I know in my heart You see me as your princess.
I am the daughter of the King. I take comfort in that.
Thank you for my redemption.

In my frail humanity, I love You.

Shaken

I was watching the backstory to the song Shaken by Hawk Nelson on youtube. Near the end of the story, Jason (the lead singer) said "millions of dollars have been poured into this [earthquake relief of Haiti] but a million dollars doesn't move rubble and thousands of pounds of rock."

I could write a thousand words about how deeply that statement affects me and makes me reflect upon my own choices and life, but I won't. I'll just leave you with this:

What are you personally doing to remove the rubble from the lives of those around you?

My Hero

Growing up, I had a younger sister just far enough away in age that I found her not worth my time. Not in a "I'm better than you" way, but the typical "I'm 5, you're still a baby, I don't like you yet" way. I also had a brother close enough in age, and facial features, that we could lie and say we were fraternal twins. These were the two that I grew up with, but neither were my heros or one I confided in. That role belonged to my eldest brother.

He was 13 years older than myself and, from my perspective, he was an infallible savior. He didn't grow up with me, but somehow my brother captivated my attention. Whatever he did, I wanted to do, no matter how improbable or illogical. Whatever he thought, I tended to think. Wherever he went, whatever he experienced, I always felt the need to follow. I knew he would never steer me wrong. And as I grew in stature and wisdom, I realized he was someone I could go to for advice on real world situations.

Last weekend, he and I were driving back to our hometown from Louisville. We had driven separately, as we had come from two different parts of the state, and naturally I followed behind him on the way back. During the two hour drive, there was a treacherous rainstorm that we ran head-on into. At times, I could see nothing at all, for all of the rain pounding so hard on my windshield. The only thing I could do was barely make out the outline of his car in front of me. Whenever he switched lanes, I switched lanes; whenever he braked, I braked; when he increased speed, I did the same. I knew that as long as I did exactly as my brother silently instructed, I would be safe. I would get home just fine, whether I could see anything else or not.

I thought about all of this as we neared our city and the rain eased up. The worst was over, we were safe, and all was well. I thought about how the way I loved, trusted, and sought wisdom from my brother was exactly how God wanted me to chase after Him. God wants my complete affections. He wants me to follow Him with the same trusting faith I have in my brother. He wants me to fully know that if I follow Him and His law of Love, that I'll come out of the storm perfectly safe. He wants my silly stories, my mess-ups, my broken-hearts, my laughter, my thoughts. He wants to share on my adventures, to be my guide, to be my wisdom, to be my Savior. My God wants me. Passionately, unreservedly, unrelentingly. It's so crazy to me that as much as I adore my brother, God's affections for me are so much greater.

My brother taught me to be a leader, to be a social chameleon, to be facetious. He loves me even when I do terrible things. He picks me up when I cry. He guides me out of messes. But how much more so does my God want to be that driving force in my life? I love God, I really do, but sometimes, I fail to put Him where He belongs in my life.

Yahweh, thank You so much for my brother and all he's taught me and done for me. I've been so blessed to know him. But Adonai, please forgive me for, at times, putting him on the pedestal where only You belong. Continue to show me what it means to follow You wholeheartedly and without reservations. Take this life and heart and break them until they resemble something that looks more like the heart You desire. I love You.

Why Do I Believe in God? A few reasons...

First and foremost, I have my own personal interactions with God. I feel like the rest of my blogs give way to that.

Secondly, there's the existence of the universe itself. Way back when, people used to think that the universe had always just existed; however, Einstein developed a theory, the theory of relativity, which concludes that the universe had a beginning, a starting point. Now, even Einstein had issues with this, along with other scientists of his day. They tested and retested this theory, yearning for a flaw in the equation, but none was ever found. More recently, confirming this theory, is the use of the Hubble Telescope. We can actually see the universe expanding. To sum this reason up: if the universe is constantly expanding from one point and had a beginning, something had to create it. Something outside of the universe. According to science, things don't just exist without a cause. This usually begets the question, "By this logic, who created God?" To me, this is the wrong question. By our own scientific reasoning, we state that everything that has a beginning needs a cause, not that everything needs a cause.

Thirdly, there's how our universe is just so perfectly in place. If our earth's axis weren't at its precise degrees, no life. If it were too close to the sun, no life. If it were too far away, no life. If the force of gravity were to change by one part in ten billion billion billion relative to the total range of the strengths of the four forces of nature, no life. If the neutrons that make up our very being were not exactly 1.001 times the mass of the proton, no life would be possible. Honestly, I could go on for days, but basically what it sums up to is: the laws and physical constants that govern all the matter in the universe appear to be precisely balanced and finely tuned for life to occur and flourish. What's even more crazy is that all these things are not dependent upon one another. Everything could be just so perfect, save one, and it would ruin the possibility for life. I was doing some research and found that there are at least 2 dozen characteristics that must be "just so" for life on this earth alone to even be remotely possible. Examples: correct mass; being orbited by a large moon, having a magnetic field; manifesting an oxygen-rich atmosphere; orbiting a main sequence G2 dwarf star; and being in the correct location in the galactic habitable zone. Aw, man, it's crazy how perfect our world is. How could it all be just so precise and deliberate by chance? Something had to create it with purpose and knowledge.

My final reason, though not scientific I feel should still be mentioned, is our morally good universe. First, on what basis is something considered good and evil? Did it just arise out of no where from the Big Bang? Honestly, no one believes that morality emerged out of physical explosions. Second, I feel it's important to point out that morals and values are different from etiquette. Think not? What if there were a culture where men kept females as slaves and beat and raped them at will? We'd all be morally outraged, right? Right. We know that murder, rape, bigotry, and racism are really objectively wrong, regardless of traditions, customs, or preferences. But where's the intrinsic sense of right and wrong come from? If we didn't invent it and it is beyond culture and politics, and we can never escape it, what's it's source? As a Christian, I have a solid basis for objective moral values (and they are objective, not relative) - God, who is divine, transcendent, and supreme. Goodness flows from God; moral values are created by Him, and only discovered by humans. This is not to say that atheists and the like cannot recognize and live by a generally moral life. Surely they can. But recognizing something and even living by it does not mean that one has a real basis for it.

God doesn't really force Himself on anyone, but He has left His fingerprints all over the world and universe for us to find. Jesus says, "keep on seeking, and you will find." Matthew 7:7

Hands and Feet

In a previous post, I wrote of my broken heart. I longed to do something, anything, if it meant I could help a kid somewhere in the world who was suffering in some way. This past week, on April 5th, I got to.

Thousands of people across America participated in "A Day with No Shoes" sponsored by the Toms company. The point of this is: go without shoes; people ask why; you tell them about Toms and what they do. What DO they do? If you buy shoes from them, they send one pair of shoes to a shoeless child for each pair you buy. So my campus, and hundreds others all over the country, raised awareness. I know for a fact that thousands of children are soon going to have a new pair of shoes to protect their feet because of our awareness promotion. I feel elated that I got to do something so seemingly insignificant that will impact people in a way I'll never understand fully.

However, as elated and heartwarming as my gesture made me feel at the time, I began to think about it. Yeah, I went a day without shoes, but it was easy. The point of the day was to put ourselves in their positions and see what it felt like. I couldn't. How can I when I know that if at any time I wanted to stop this 24-hour vow, I could? As it turns out, this wasn't the answer to my broken heart. I don't just want to send a child shoes, whom I'll never meet. I want to go; I want to see their faces as I hand them the shoes myself. I want to go to a place, give them MY own shoes, and take their place. I want to know what it's really like to be like them, where I don't have a choice. That road will be hard, but what pathway to a lesson, love, or true desire of the heart is ever easy?

I've been blessed all my life, even in my struggles, whether I realize it or not. I've been halfway to Hell and back, but I've been blessed all along the way. I really don't know what it's like to live like the kids I want to help and love. I want to know.

I have a heart for the children of third world countries, but that's not to say I care any less for the poor children of my own country. I seek out those children too. Every kid deserves the chance to have their basic needs met and to be healthy and happy and loved.

God, give comfort to the little ones in this world tonight. The ones who suffer and hunger and thirst. The ones who I will never get to show Your love to. The ones who think their lives are meaningless. Show Yourself, Your love, Your hope, Your truth.
Dad, thanks for the blessings You have given me and the resources to do something about the injustice I see around me. And thanks for Jesus and His love for me.

Tornado of the Soul

Mind racing.
Ideas swirling.
No real thought.
It's all a chaotic whirlwind.
How long will my words fail me?
Concepts.
Theories.
Theology.
It all tornado's around within me.
Here comes the rain of drowsiness.
It threaten's to drown all contemplations, should they resist.
Reluctantly, they obey
Giving full reign to the storm brewing within.
In time the tempest subsides
And waves of rest wash upon my shores.

Let justice flow like water...

A million times I try.
I'll never capture the words of my heart.

I hear of the tragedy and tortures of this world. I know the life that I have lived. That my friends have lived.
All these horrors... I don't know how to react.
I have no desire to question You anymore. I trust You.
But that doesn't ease my constant brokenness.
I want to pray for this world.
But I want more too.
I know I could never fix the world. I could never reconcile us all to peace.
But I want to show peace and love to those stuck in the storm.
These injustices have to stop.

God. My heart really cries out to You tonight.
Children are crying, people are dying.
People starve. They have no homes.
Girls are forced into sex slavery.
Little boys forced into brutal civil wars.

I can't sleep tonight. Knowing things are so messed up.
And I'm here. In a warm, comfortable dorm room.
It's despicable. I hate it.

I want to sleep outside, walk with no shoes on, go days without food or clean water.
Just to catch a glimpse of the life so many of my fellow human beings endure every day of their lives.
I want to trade places with that little girl being raped tonight, so she can have a moment, a night, of peace and safety.
I want to take that little boys place so he doesn't have to kill another human and desensitize him to the value of life.

God. Couldn't just one of those suffering people have my life for a day?
Father, NEVER let this fire for the hurting and broken leave my soul. NEVER. Not for a moment. Let them be my reason for doing and giving 110% while I'm in nursing school. Let them be my focus for serving you. Please.
And, Dad, Please. Please, give them comfort tonight. Please. Give them a glimpse of hope. A shimmer of the sunshine beyond the storm. I can't do anything more from here than beg this of you.
Even though I don't understand, Adonai, I love you and thank You for the blessings you did give to me, so that I may in turn, serve You.

God in my life

I went for a drive tonight around my hometown. I ended up at a park. I sat there and all I could do was ponder the times I had clearly seen God in my life, the times He had truly revealed Himself to me in an all too real way. I thought of three particular instances.

The first revolved around the time I first became a Christian in 2005. God worked so quickly in my life and physically set me apart from the difficult situations I was plunged into. I didn't see it as a physical salvation at the time, but in retrospect His hands can be clearly seen pulling me from the wreckage of my former life.

I can't remember the time frame associated with the second time God made Himself known to me, but I distinctly remember the event. I was still wreaking the consequences of my past, both things I'd done and things done to me. Everyone in the house was asleep. Everything was silent. I found myself wanting to run away again. To get far from my mistakes and those who'd harmed me. Instead, I found myself curled into a ball, propped up against the stove in my parent's kitchen, crying in the dark. I had no idea what to do with myself. I needed a way out of my emotions, my past, my sin... I needed salvation. I was a Christian at this time, but so lost and confused about what that truly meant. I started to cry out to this God I had only recently begun to know. I begged Him from the depths of my soul to save me, to forgive me, to redeem me. I felt a pain so deep, so beyond the surface, I thought I might rip into two. I cried out to Him from my anguished soul for the help and relief I had heard He promised. In the midst of my sobbing and begging and praying, I heard a voice. It softly whispered my name, "Tiffany." Normally, such a thing would frighten me, but this voice did not. I looked around best I could in the dark, thinking maybe I had awaken someone. No one was there. Again I heard the voice, "Tiffany." Something within me felt I knew this voice. I didn't have name for it, but I knew I heard it, and I knew I wasn't going crazy. One final time I heard this voice, "Tiffany, it's okay," it soothed this time. I sat there, mesmerized. God was speaking to me. Not just to my soul, but to my ears. I had heard Him. I sat there for over an hour just in awe of His soothing voice. My soul was quieted, lighter, and full of a joy I had never known. My brokenness had been replaced. I always tried to rationalize that night, that voice, but I've never come up with anything but God to fulfill every aspect as I recall it. God is enough for me.

The last event is one I've posted about before - a man named Jack that I met. I never could forget Jack. Not since the summer night last summer. He's stayed with me. I've tried so hard to find him, but to no avail. God showed up that night in such an incredible way. I wonder if Jack was an angel, sent to test us. Maybe, maybe not. I recall dashing quickly to my parents house to grab the extra canned food and water bottles. We drove back to the downtown square area, not even 3 blocks from their home. We searched for over an hour, driving a mile in every direction. We just could not find Jack. If you'd seen the frail state he was in and the huge shopping cart he was pushing, you'd know how impossible it was that he would vanish so quickly. We have no idea what happened to him, but we are so thankful we got to pray with him and feed and clothe him with what little we had. It just blows my mind that he just disappeared liked that. I'll always remember that frail old man. I feel he blessed us more than we ever could him.

All this to say, even without the logical reasoning I have for my belief in God, I have my own testimony and experience of encounters with Him. My God is a powerful and saving God. I can't believe He finds me worth knowing and saving and loving. I could never fully express my feelings of gratitude about Him being in my life.

Dear Cousin,

I remember when I was younger, you were one of my heros. You were my big, older cousin in the army that I could look up to. I admired you and your strength. I remember cherishing the times you were allowed away from post long enough to visit me. I loved the few conversations we got have about me maybe joining the army one day. I loved the stories you told me.

All those memories make it seem so unbelievable that you're gone now... at 35. Why, Cousin? Why did you do that? Why? What were you thinking!?! Didn't your wife and the kids matter? Do you see her broken heart? Do you see her pain? How could you leave her, the kids, all of us? You were so loved and cherished. So loved.

You made a horrible decision. You can't fix it this time. Sometimes I'm so angry at you for leaving like that. I'd like to hope you're in Heaven, but honestly, I don't know where you are. My anger can't change your death. It's been three months and I still miss you.

I still love you. My heart grieves for you and your wife and children.
May you rest in peace, my dear cousin.

Love,
Tiff

Where must we fix our thoughts

In Philippians 4:8 it says, "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."

If we are to do this, mustn't we know where to find such things to think upon?
If God is all of those things, and He reveals Himself to us through His Word and through Jesus, then perhaps those are the places to begin.

Sometimes I wonder if Christians know how serious it is to control what we think, myself included. God doesn't just want purity of body, but of mind and soul. We laugh at dirty jokes, watch movies with too much nudity and violence, and swear without a thought. We must take reign over thoughts. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 10:5 to "take every thought captive so that it is obedient to Christ."

God cares about what we think. He knows how important it is for us to control our thinking. We become what we think about.