I can't hold back the tears tonight

Does your heart ache? Mine does. It feels like someone took a stake, placed it over my heart, and then rammed it into my chest with a sledge hammer. It's a physical ache, a real ache. Most days, God grants me peace and freedom from the pain, but there are other days, like today, where I feel it so deeply, it's as though I may die. It's a painful wound lying open and bare for anyone to see.

I can understand why God would have us not be together. I can understand why this may be for the best. But no amount of understanding can diminish my love for you. No matter how much you hurt me, I still love you.

I love you desperately and deeply. I thought you were the man I would marry. I thought I'd spend my life with you. I thought I'd share everything I had with you. I thought we'd figure out this life together. I thought we'd explore the world together. I thought you loved me as much as I did you. The thought of a life without you... it's almost unbearable.

I don't want anyone else. I want to love you. I want you. With every fiber of my being, I want you. I want your mistakes, your failures, your sadness, your laughter, your thoughts, yes even your talk of gadgets and the military.

You're kind and gentle and protective. You're loving and patient and compassionate. You act when you see things that need to be done. You're a leader, but you know how to follow. And even though you feel so lost about God, when you know He tells you something, you do it with passion. You're not perfect. You have your faults, but so do I.

I love you in a way I never believed was possible. I love you with everything within me. After 4 years of good times, bad times, hundreds of adventures, and long nights, that love is not returned. You were my best friend. I'd have waited for you forever. You were the one for me.