Nostalgic Post

Been thinking about the past a lot lately. Not the bad stuff, just the things I miss. I miss certain times in my young adult life and feel like I'd do nearly anything to go back and do them over again.

• I miss CIY with the original youth group I came in with.
• I miss the unity I felt at the church I first started going to.
• I miss BCT and AIT and all the new experiences gained there.
• I miss Iraq and the lifestyle it brought.
• I miss being in the Army period.
• I miss old high school friends and the bonds we shared.
• I miss best friends, with whom I have gone longer than acceptable without talking.
• I miss living with my old high school friend, Ash.
• I miss orienteering as a team.
• I miss the cross country team of my second college season. 
• I miss the way college use to be before life got super serious.
• I miss when less of my family was dead.
• I miss when my brother was able to be my brother and mentor and friend.

I don't mind where I am now and I'm excited about where the future has the potential to take me. I just miss the relationships I've made in the last 6 1/2 - 8 years and I don't really care for how the dynamics have changed. I guess moving around and things changing is just one of the least likable parts of the adult experience. I'm not really sad about things not being the same, just reminiscent. We can't go back, so hopefully the future brings better days with new memories and experiences to be had. 

Bright Lightening from Dark Storms

I remember the first time I truly recognized right from wrong. I was 7-years-old in 2nd grade. I lied to a little boy. Of course, by 7 I knew right and wrong, but it was that day I lied to him it sunk in: I am capable of making mistakes and, even though I was never called out on it, those mistakes have consequences. Ever since that day, I've kept a record of my own wrongs. I know every mistake, everything my finite memory will allow me to recall. It's like a weight that sits not only on the back of my mind but wholly on my heart.

Lately this has kept me from Yahweh. I KNOW He has to know everything I've done too. But now I'm not a 7-year-old girl lying about something inconsequential. Now I'm an adult and I harbor hatred that kills souls; I hold on dearly to unforgiveness; I refuse grace to those who no more deserve it than I do, though I have it; I walk with double standards. That's not even the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my blackened heart and the things I justify. And it's not even just about being a Christian and the "guilt thing" so many attribute to the faith. Long before I was ever a Christian, I felt the weight of my mistakes and I felt the pride that comes with wanting to look good in everyone's eyes regardless of my own faults.

More than knowing God knows all about me, I know that He is not only a God of love, but of purity and holiness. All I can think when I even consider approaching Him is "How could I dare go to the Creator of everything when such darkness and unholiness constantly wash over me?" It's not so much that I want to be out of darkness solely because it is what He asks of me, but rather, I want to see light and see His face. I WANT to be where He is, but why would He let me?

I talked this over a bit with a close friend the other day. It was pointed out that perhaps my perception of God is skewed. He's not just a God who leaves us out in the cold when we mess up; He doesn't just see us as our mistakes; He doesn't just want to punish us. He wants us to come to Him. He wants to hear of what we've done, not to gloat or point out we'll never be good enough, but so we can see the extent of His forgiveness. He's not JUST a God of love, holiness, and purity, but also a God of mercy, forgiveness, grace, and compassion.

It was also pointed out that the Prince of Darkness tells these lies. It's like when Jesus was tempted in the desert. Satan takes things out of context, leaving just enough truth to be convincing. Christ had a bigger voice speaking to Him though to point out these half truths. It's the same voice I need to be listening for.

I was created to love and be loved by the Creator of the Universe. It's so easy to forget that. He doesn't have to keep a record of our wrongs. He sent Christ to spill His blood so these mistakes can be covered. He sent Jesus to take my place so that I may come to Him in my sin, weakness, and with humility to seek His face and see Light. There's more to me, to us, than our shortcomings. There's hope, forgiveness, and redemption. We just have to choose to come to Him.

As the father in Luke 15:11-32 rejoices when his lost son returns home and doesn't think twice about accepting him or throwing his sins in his face, so too does God rejoice when we return to Him, regardless of where we've been and what we've done.

I love you. I miss you.

It crushed me when I found out about you while I was deployed.
It hurt me when I found out you were going away for a long time.
But it nearly breaks me to know I almost lost you that day over this past Christmas break.
I love you, you moron.
You're my big brother. You've always been like a father to me because of our huge age difference.
It's like finding out you nearly lost a parent.
Something in me is so deeply saddened.
I can feel your heart breaking.
I break because you break.
I love you, Brother. I always will.
Please never leave me on purpose. Please never try to again.
I honestly need you in my life.
There isn't a day that goes by that you don't cross my mind.
I wish I could talk to you. Ask you how to fix things in my life. Seek your guidance.
I'd even settle for one of your big towering hugs.
I just miss you.
I love you, Brother.

Clinical Day 1: Humbled

Today was my first day of nursing clinicals. I tried not to go in with too many expectations or preconceived notions; I felt like that would make it more intimidating. Needless to say, interacting with patients on a floor is a whole other ball game from dealing with them in the back of the ambulance. To say the least, it was humbling. I had one assigned patient, but was able to help with others as well. I suppose what I learned today was:

1. I will never know everything. 
2. I don't know enough yet.
3. I truly do want to meet the patient's needs.
4. I want to make every patient's life easier for them while I'm a part of it.
5. Some patients really are just lonely.

There were a few patient's on our assigned floor that knew they were dying. The look on their faces despite their upbeat attitude... man, there's not really anything you can say about that. I really wish that hugging some of the patients were enough to make them feel better and be healed. 

I was really worried that maybe I wouldn't like being on the floors after the rush of EMS work, that maybe I wasn't really cut out for it; however, after today, I feel like perhaps I'm heading down a road that I can eventually be really good at and bring a lot of help to people everywhere. 

If you're the praying sort, pray with me that I learn what I need to each semester to help patients the most, that I am a light to those that I am allowed to meet and interact with, and that I stay humbled and never think I know more than I do. Above all, pray for those to whom I will be a student nurse, that they will find comfort and relief. 

Late Night/Early Morning: A Resolution

I question everything. I need a purpose for everything I do. Questions give me the potential for answers, which leads me to finding purpose. It seems logical to me. Logic. That's an old friend and enemy at the same time. On the one hand, I've found logic and reasoning to serve me well and lead me down the wisest path; however, on the other hand, logic and reasoning leave me... wanting. I feel an almost compulsion to have everything orderly in my mind and to make sense of things around me, but sometimes, all that leaves me with is more questions and an empty feeling in my chest. So what's missing? Everyone around me tells me it is emotion, feeling, that I lack. They tell me I am heartless, cold, unfeeling. Am I? I've seen what emotions do to people. I've seen it first hand ruin lives. Is all that really necessary? Something in my mind nudges me toward... yes, it is. But that's my problem lately. I just cannot figure out why something so fickle is so important to a large majority of humanity. In addition to my need to rationalize, I feel compelled to remain as distant from emotion and feeling, without seeming like a sociopath, as I possibly can (aside from sporadic bursts from a deep well of pain or the occasional glimpse of true joy of Christ). I look at my faith, though. The faith I have in Christ. It is a logical faith to me. It is a religion of reason. I just can't shake the feeling that it calls for more than that though and understand, if it does, why it does. I have to know. I need to know why emotions are so important to humanity, to my humanity. I need to know what it's like to feel the way other people do and not just do things out of compulsion or reason. The only time I can ever remember feeling an overwhelming, uncontrollable, indescribable emotion is anytime I think of or hear about victims of human trafficking. I feel my insides nearly literally break in two and that I HAVE to do something about it. Maybe that's why I want to use nursing to help them... I subconsciously want to feel something. Maybe all of this is nonsense. I'm not sure. I am not really one to make new year's resolutions, as I am constantly setting goals for myself and find doing it only once a year to be a shallow attempt at making one feel better about themselves, but perhaps this year I shall. I'll make it a goal to honestly attempt to understand this whole feelings thing again, with the ulterior motive of deepening relationships long stressed by my compulsions.

Crying Heart

Stabbing. That's the only word close enough to what my heart feels. It feels like I've been stabbed in my heart. It's a heartache so real, it nearly renders me useless as a human being. My brother has always been my hero, my protector, my person to go to for advice, my father figure (since there's 13 years between us). I've looked up to him for the last 22 years and, though I've known for a while now that he wasn't perfect, this situation just really hit that point home for me. My heart cries out for him and his terror and pain. I know he caused this, but he has unjustly been charged. I just... I'm not going to see my brother for a long time and to be honest, I almost believe him when he says he'll kill himself before he serves all of his time. My biggest fear my entire life has been losing my oldest brother. Selfishly, that's what I fear. I can't call him in the middle of the night anymore when I'm upset, I can't text him about a problem, I can't Skype for a chat, I can't be hugged by him, I can't... I'm losing my brother.

Everyone thinks I'm so cold and heartless, but I'm not. I feel. I hurt. And I just want my brother back. I just want him to be free. I know it's illogical to want such things. I know he's made his bed and is being forced to lie in it. I know there's nothing any of us can do to change it. But this is just how I feel. I don't always agree with him or condone every choice he's made, but he is my brother. I'll always love my brother.

Jesus is the Christ

I am quite fond of reading books on a multitude of subject matters. I like to know things and I like to see what others think apart from myself. I would like to think it helps me refine my own thoughts and opinions of things to know what else is out there. If my faith is as steadfast as I believe it to be, then what have I to worry about in wavering from it? No matter how far I have gone in the past, I have always come back to Truth.

Recently I was flipping around in a lot of books about other religions and came across this part in the front of a Quran:

“What need has Allah of a son? He is Holy and free from all weakness and defects, including the contingency of death. He needs not a son to take His place. Everyone and everything belongs to Him and is obedient to Him and under His control. That which belongs to Him cannot be His equal. That which is obedient to Him and is under His control cannot rebel against His authority. No one can, therefore, aspire to equality with Him, nor would He need a helper to subdue such an aspirant. He is the Originator of the heavens and earth; the sole Creator of the universe. He needed not a son to assist Him in the creation of the universe. Whatever He decrees is carried into effect. He needs no son to assist Him in the governance of the universe.”

When I was Iraq and made some friends there, religion was obviously brought up at points. I believe strongly in my faith and so too did my new friends in theirs. At one point, Luis (not his real name, but it’s his “American” name we gave him for his own protection) said Christianity and Islam are the same except for the view on Jesus. He says Jesus is just a man. I disagreed, of course, but I was not about to get into an argument over religion with a man I had to work with everyday. I simple said I disagreed and we left it at that.

When I read the previous passage from that Quran, it got me thinking about that conversation with Luis and how that is what he honestly believes. I thought about how I just could not succumb to the thought that Christ was not the Messiah. Then I thought about why. A few things came to mind.

First, the whole passage seems to give the impression that Allah (their word for God) does not care if we have the freewill to love. I kind of have this view that God is love. Love creates (think about it, when you’re truly in love with someone, you create a relationship, a child, a life together. Love creates). It seems only logical that Yahweh would create us out of love. In the Garden of Eden, Yahweh gave Adam and Eve only one rule: “do not eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.” Yahweh was giving them the chance to love Him back by being obedient. He did not force them; He gave them free will because without it, they would not be true bearers of the image of God. They needed to be loving creatures. Think about it: if you love someone, it means a whole lot more if they freely love you back. To have their love faked or forced really isn’t the same at all.

Second, the passage talks about God being in control and everyone and everything obeys His authority. Yes, if Yahweh wanted to make everything and one bend at His will, of course He could. He is God, the Creator of the entire universe; however, as it is clearly seen in the Bible, God is a God who will let His creation have their heart’s desires. He is like a parent and we’re His children. If we wanted to break ourselves trying to save ourselves, He let us. It seems we are a creation that often learns the hard way. Once we were a broken creation, Yahweh put in motion the works of our redemption and reconciliation with Him. He intervened when necessary but Yahweh still allowed us our free will.

Third, this kind of ties the first two together a bit. I just get the notion that the passage implies that love makes Yahweh weak. I feel like Yahweh can be powerful, authoritative, and able all the while loving perfectly. I believe that God does what He does out of love for His beloved creation.

Fourth, the passage says that God has no use of a son and that a man could not be His equal. A few things here stand out in my mind: First, I believe that Yahweh is the Godhead three in one. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are one yet separate. It’s kind of crazy to think about but it is what I believe. In Genesis 1:1, the original Hebrew used the name “Elohim” for God. It is a plural form of “gods” but not in a numerical sense. Given the context of the passage it is in, it is indicated that it means ”godhead” or one God in different forms. Second, if Jesus is a part of the godhead, He is both fully man and fully God. He is God incarnate. He is not aspiring to be God’s equal, for He IS God in human form. Third, what use has God of a son? Sin is a human problem. It is not a problem that God has, but rather, that we have. Only a perfect human could make the atoning sacrifice necessary to overcome the wages of our sin. What better way than for God to have enough love and compassion for His creation to take on this task Himself? He came and walked among us. He breathed, bled, and wept just as all humanity has. He walked throughout the earth and not once sinned. He came and took our place so that we could finally be redeemed! Without that perfect Lamb, we stand no hope of seeing the face of God and serving Him for eternity. The Son was not a need of God’s; it was a need of ours. It was – is – our salvation.

This is just what I thought when I read that passage. Maybe I’m wrong. I really cannot say for sure. I just have faith that Jesus is the Christ and the Son of the Living God. I am not bashing Islam; I am simply (sort of) saying why I cannot believe Jesus is anything less than the Messiah. I serve a God who loved me enough to be crushed by the weight of my iniquities. If love makes me, or my Yahweh weak, -shrugs- so be it.

The battle over flesh and blood cannot compare to the battle for the heart.