It's all I can do to utter Your name. My heart aches. My eldest brother's heart is hurting so deeply. He's in trouble and he's separated from nearly everything that means the most to him. Knowing he aches makes me shake with pain for him. As much as I'd love to take his heart ache onto myself, I know I cannot. So please, Abba, show him Your love. Speak his name. Let him know that no matter the outcome of this, You're there and he's not alone. I can't be there for my brother beyond my prayers, so please, hear my cries to You.
There's more. My heart aches for so much more. I struggle to forgive my other brother every day. You ask that we forgive as You have forgiven us. I no more deserve Your grace, love, and mercy than he does, and yet, I have it. Help me to forgive, to find Your love for him within myself, and to heal from the things that remind me of things past. He's broken too and in need of Your grace and mercy. Please, speak his name too. So many people do not like him and find him beyond help. He's not beyond you. So please, find a way to reach my brother. Move in his life. He needs You.
And still, there's more. It's been ten months since my cousin died. I know it has not been easy for his wife and children. It's been so hard and they've been so strong. I don't know how she does it honestly. Comfort her in the times it's the hardest. Catch her tears and quiet her soul. Be near to her. I still miss him, too. Every time I see an E-7 here, my heart sinks a little more with grief because that's the rank he was. I wish I'd gotten to say goodbye or just see him one more time. He is dearly missed, Yahweh, and those of us still here need Your comfort and eternal peace. I beg You to hear my cries to You.
Even more. My mother is anguish, too. She's still in the process of recovering from a major back surgery while dealing with everything going on with her children. But even more than that, she struggles with unforgiveness for herself. I think at times, it is crushing to her soul. She has no idea about the truth of Your love, grace, mercy, and sacrifice made in Christ. Show her Your truth. Teach her Your ways. Raise her in You as You have done with me. She never really had a father to guide her. She needs You to guide her through her life and the chaos within her. I think I forgive her, Abba, but I also think it is time she know Your forgiveness is of much greater value than mine. I can only pray that if she could really see You and Your mercy, she'd forgive herself for her mistakes. Chase her, Yahweh.
One last heart ache. My nana. Yahweh, my heart is truly in shambles for her. I miss her so much I can feel it in my core. She has not even left earth yet, but she will never be who she was. Yahweh, I miss who she was so much. I find myself in tears when I remember the day she forgot me. I find myself longing to run to her and have her remember everything. I want to ask her so many things I will now never know. I will never again know her hugs, or her kisses, or the warmth of her smile. I am so thankful she has had 88 years with us, as of yesterday. I pray that when she finally does leave us, it is swift and peaceful. I pray that you ease that sadness I know dwells within my eldest brother about her too. She is so loved and she isn't even capable of knowing it. Yahweh, watch over her, and if You can, let her know how much I love her and she means to me.
My family is going through so much right now Yahweh. I know that Your hands can work great things from the pain, as they have in my life many times.
Even though things are hard right now, I must still give You thanks and praises, for I know in the depths of my soul, You are here with me. I know You will never leave me. I know You are in control and for that I am so thankful. I'm thankful I woke up this morning. I'm thankful I have the body of Christ, the church, to support and pray for me. I'm thankful for the sunrises You show me every morning. I'm thankful for the peace You give my soul when it is a raging sea. I'm thankful for Jesus and His sacrifice for me so that I might know You and feel Your love for me so deeply.
Savior I come, quiet my soul. Remember. Redemptions hill, where Your blood was spilled. For my ransom. And everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss. Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to You. Oh, lead me, lead me to the cross.
This is my prayer, Father.
Love,
a daughter fighting the war within
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