I love you. I miss you.

It crushed me when I found out about you while I was deployed.
It hurt me when I found out you were going away for a long time.
But it nearly breaks me to know I almost lost you that day over this past Christmas break.
I love you, you moron.
You're my big brother. You've always been like a father to me because of our huge age difference.
It's like finding out you nearly lost a parent.
Something in me is so deeply saddened.
I can feel your heart breaking.
I break because you break.
I love you, Brother. I always will.
Please never leave me on purpose. Please never try to again.
I honestly need you in my life.
There isn't a day that goes by that you don't cross my mind.
I wish I could talk to you. Ask you how to fix things in my life. Seek your guidance.
I'd even settle for one of your big towering hugs.
I just miss you.
I love you, Brother.

Clinical Day 1: Humbled

Today was my first day of nursing clinicals. I tried not to go in with too many expectations or preconceived notions; I felt like that would make it more intimidating. Needless to say, interacting with patients on a floor is a whole other ball game from dealing with them in the back of the ambulance. To say the least, it was humbling. I had one assigned patient, but was able to help with others as well. I suppose what I learned today was:

1. I will never know everything. 
2. I don't know enough yet.
3. I truly do want to meet the patient's needs.
4. I want to make every patient's life easier for them while I'm a part of it.
5. Some patients really are just lonely.

There were a few patient's on our assigned floor that knew they were dying. The look on their faces despite their upbeat attitude... man, there's not really anything you can say about that. I really wish that hugging some of the patients were enough to make them feel better and be healed. 

I was really worried that maybe I wouldn't like being on the floors after the rush of EMS work, that maybe I wasn't really cut out for it; however, after today, I feel like perhaps I'm heading down a road that I can eventually be really good at and bring a lot of help to people everywhere. 

If you're the praying sort, pray with me that I learn what I need to each semester to help patients the most, that I am a light to those that I am allowed to meet and interact with, and that I stay humbled and never think I know more than I do. Above all, pray for those to whom I will be a student nurse, that they will find comfort and relief. 

Late Night/Early Morning: A Resolution

I question everything. I need a purpose for everything I do. Questions give me the potential for answers, which leads me to finding purpose. It seems logical to me. Logic. That's an old friend and enemy at the same time. On the one hand, I've found logic and reasoning to serve me well and lead me down the wisest path; however, on the other hand, logic and reasoning leave me... wanting. I feel an almost compulsion to have everything orderly in my mind and to make sense of things around me, but sometimes, all that leaves me with is more questions and an empty feeling in my chest. So what's missing? Everyone around me tells me it is emotion, feeling, that I lack. They tell me I am heartless, cold, unfeeling. Am I? I've seen what emotions do to people. I've seen it first hand ruin lives. Is all that really necessary? Something in my mind nudges me toward... yes, it is. But that's my problem lately. I just cannot figure out why something so fickle is so important to a large majority of humanity. In addition to my need to rationalize, I feel compelled to remain as distant from emotion and feeling, without seeming like a sociopath, as I possibly can (aside from sporadic bursts from a deep well of pain or the occasional glimpse of true joy of Christ). I look at my faith, though. The faith I have in Christ. It is a logical faith to me. It is a religion of reason. I just can't shake the feeling that it calls for more than that though and understand, if it does, why it does. I have to know. I need to know why emotions are so important to humanity, to my humanity. I need to know what it's like to feel the way other people do and not just do things out of compulsion or reason. The only time I can ever remember feeling an overwhelming, uncontrollable, indescribable emotion is anytime I think of or hear about victims of human trafficking. I feel my insides nearly literally break in two and that I HAVE to do something about it. Maybe that's why I want to use nursing to help them... I subconsciously want to feel something. Maybe all of this is nonsense. I'm not sure. I am not really one to make new year's resolutions, as I am constantly setting goals for myself and find doing it only once a year to be a shallow attempt at making one feel better about themselves, but perhaps this year I shall. I'll make it a goal to honestly attempt to understand this whole feelings thing again, with the ulterior motive of deepening relationships long stressed by my compulsions.

Crying Heart

Stabbing. That's the only word close enough to what my heart feels. It feels like I've been stabbed in my heart. It's a heartache so real, it nearly renders me useless as a human being. My brother has always been my hero, my protector, my person to go to for advice, my father figure (since there's 13 years between us). I've looked up to him for the last 22 years and, though I've known for a while now that he wasn't perfect, this situation just really hit that point home for me. My heart cries out for him and his terror and pain. I know he caused this, but he has unjustly been charged. I just... I'm not going to see my brother for a long time and to be honest, I almost believe him when he says he'll kill himself before he serves all of his time. My biggest fear my entire life has been losing my oldest brother. Selfishly, that's what I fear. I can't call him in the middle of the night anymore when I'm upset, I can't text him about a problem, I can't Skype for a chat, I can't be hugged by him, I can't... I'm losing my brother.

Everyone thinks I'm so cold and heartless, but I'm not. I feel. I hurt. And I just want my brother back. I just want him to be free. I know it's illogical to want such things. I know he's made his bed and is being forced to lie in it. I know there's nothing any of us can do to change it. But this is just how I feel. I don't always agree with him or condone every choice he's made, but he is my brother. I'll always love my brother.

Jesus is the Christ

I am quite fond of reading books on a multitude of subject matters. I like to know things and I like to see what others think apart from myself. I would like to think it helps me refine my own thoughts and opinions of things to know what else is out there. If my faith is as steadfast as I believe it to be, then what have I to worry about in wavering from it? No matter how far I have gone in the past, I have always come back to Truth.

Recently I was flipping around in a lot of books about other religions and came across this part in the front of a Quran:

“What need has Allah of a son? He is Holy and free from all weakness and defects, including the contingency of death. He needs not a son to take His place. Everyone and everything belongs to Him and is obedient to Him and under His control. That which belongs to Him cannot be His equal. That which is obedient to Him and is under His control cannot rebel against His authority. No one can, therefore, aspire to equality with Him, nor would He need a helper to subdue such an aspirant. He is the Originator of the heavens and earth; the sole Creator of the universe. He needed not a son to assist Him in the creation of the universe. Whatever He decrees is carried into effect. He needs no son to assist Him in the governance of the universe.”

When I was Iraq and made some friends there, religion was obviously brought up at points. I believe strongly in my faith and so too did my new friends in theirs. At one point, Luis (not his real name, but it’s his “American” name we gave him for his own protection) said Christianity and Islam are the same except for the view on Jesus. He says Jesus is just a man. I disagreed, of course, but I was not about to get into an argument over religion with a man I had to work with everyday. I simple said I disagreed and we left it at that.

When I read the previous passage from that Quran, it got me thinking about that conversation with Luis and how that is what he honestly believes. I thought about how I just could not succumb to the thought that Christ was not the Messiah. Then I thought about why. A few things came to mind.

First, the whole passage seems to give the impression that Allah (their word for God) does not care if we have the freewill to love. I kind of have this view that God is love. Love creates (think about it, when you’re truly in love with someone, you create a relationship, a child, a life together. Love creates). It seems only logical that Yahweh would create us out of love. In the Garden of Eden, Yahweh gave Adam and Eve only one rule: “do not eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.” Yahweh was giving them the chance to love Him back by being obedient. He did not force them; He gave them free will because without it, they would not be true bearers of the image of God. They needed to be loving creatures. Think about it: if you love someone, it means a whole lot more if they freely love you back. To have their love faked or forced really isn’t the same at all.

Second, the passage talks about God being in control and everyone and everything obeys His authority. Yes, if Yahweh wanted to make everything and one bend at His will, of course He could. He is God, the Creator of the entire universe; however, as it is clearly seen in the Bible, God is a God who will let His creation have their heart’s desires. He is like a parent and we’re His children. If we wanted to break ourselves trying to save ourselves, He let us. It seems we are a creation that often learns the hard way. Once we were a broken creation, Yahweh put in motion the works of our redemption and reconciliation with Him. He intervened when necessary but Yahweh still allowed us our free will.

Third, this kind of ties the first two together a bit. I just get the notion that the passage implies that love makes Yahweh weak. I feel like Yahweh can be powerful, authoritative, and able all the while loving perfectly. I believe that God does what He does out of love for His beloved creation.

Fourth, the passage says that God has no use of a son and that a man could not be His equal. A few things here stand out in my mind: First, I believe that Yahweh is the Godhead three in one. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are one yet separate. It’s kind of crazy to think about but it is what I believe. In Genesis 1:1, the original Hebrew used the name “Elohim” for God. It is a plural form of “gods” but not in a numerical sense. Given the context of the passage it is in, it is indicated that it means ”godhead” or one God in different forms. Second, if Jesus is a part of the godhead, He is both fully man and fully God. He is God incarnate. He is not aspiring to be God’s equal, for He IS God in human form. Third, what use has God of a son? Sin is a human problem. It is not a problem that God has, but rather, that we have. Only a perfect human could make the atoning sacrifice necessary to overcome the wages of our sin. What better way than for God to have enough love and compassion for His creation to take on this task Himself? He came and walked among us. He breathed, bled, and wept just as all humanity has. He walked throughout the earth and not once sinned. He came and took our place so that we could finally be redeemed! Without that perfect Lamb, we stand no hope of seeing the face of God and serving Him for eternity. The Son was not a need of God’s; it was a need of ours. It was – is – our salvation.

This is just what I thought when I read that passage. Maybe I’m wrong. I really cannot say for sure. I just have faith that Jesus is the Christ and the Son of the Living God. I am not bashing Islam; I am simply (sort of) saying why I cannot believe Jesus is anything less than the Messiah. I serve a God who loved me enough to be crushed by the weight of my iniquities. If love makes me, or my Yahweh weak, -shrugs- so be it.

The battle over flesh and blood cannot compare to the battle for the heart.

Book Ponderings

I recently read the book Blue Like Jazz. If you haven't read it, it's a little bit like Shane Claiborne's The Irresistible Revolution. It's about a radical change in our thinking toward Christianity and what that looks like in the life of the author. While I don't agree with everything Don Miller wrote, his writing does warrant a little cognitive processing on my end. The rest of this post is predominately about the parts of his work I found made me stop and think a bit.

In the second chapter of Miller's book there's this part where Don recaps a conversation he had with his friend, Tony. They're discussing some of the horrid things going on in the Congo when Tony poses the question to Miller "Are you capable of murder or rape or any of the other stuff taking place over there?" After a bit of discussion, Miller finally says, "What you are really saying is that we have a sin nature, like the fundamentalist Christians say." That stood out to me.

This isn’t Miller’s final thought on this matter of our sinful natures, but just that posed question made me think – what do I think about our human nature as far as sin goes? Honestly, probably because I AM human, I wanted to think that maybe we aren’t bad, but that some people just “go bad”. But if we aren’t innately sinful, then why do we have to be taught to be good? I think it’s obvious if you look around that we, as humanity, are broken. There’s really no denying it. I love that we aren’t stuck there. We aren’t hopeless in such a lost and less than hopeful world.

As I continued to read, Miller stated something else that I’ve thought, but never really heard before – “I am the problem.” My first thought was “Am I?” Am I? I claim to be part of the body of Christ but how often am I His hands, His feet, His body? Probably not near enough. I, we, can blame the problems of this often horrible world on “them” and “they” but when will we as a whole of humanity change ourselves? It seems cliché to say, but Ghandi was on to something when he said, “be the change you want to see in the world” and C.S. Lewis too when he said:

“All this flashy rhetoric about loving you.

I never had a selfless thought since I was born.

I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;

I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,

I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;

I talk of love – a scholar’s parrot may talk Greek –

But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.”

We can’t whine and blame fingers; instead we should step up however we can. We are the problem, but we can also be part of the solution. This world won’t be perfect, but with Christ in us, we can move in the right direction.

With all this thought about sin and problems, I have to wonder, “Were we ever suppose to be good?” There’s just so much broken in this world that it hardly seems likely. But I look to my Bible and I’m certain we were. God made us in His image and He said that we were good. He was pleased with us. But we are easily tempted, as we saw with Adam and Eve. We found ourselves broken in the garden and then removed from its beauty. I flipped around in my Bible some more, saddened that we just seem so broken. I found myself reading about Christ. I know He came to redeem us and reconcile us to God, but what does that mean for us now until He returns again? I looked at Paul of Tarsus. He was a horrible man who persecuted Christians. He thought he was right, but after an encounter with God, he realized he was part of the problem with the world. He wanted to be as God intended him to be. He became a fierce warrior in the name of Christ. What I’m trying to say with this bit about Paul is that with Christ, the good in us can shine through. We weren’t meant to be broken but the mark of sin has left us this way. God offers an alternative.

Basically, that’s what I thought about while I read the second chapter of the book. Besides this theme of sin in the book, there’s also a bit about love, which I suppose you’d expect in Christian literature. Something Miller said of interest to me was that “we do what we love to do.” That beget the obvious questions “what do I do?” and “what do I say I love?” I SAY I love Christ and His people and I SAY I want to give my life to that, but does what I DO even remotely support that? The more I thought about it the more I realized how selfish I really am. Ever since I got back to America, I’ve had this subtle attitude that this place owed me something. I’ve not be frivolous with my money or anything crazy, but rather, I’ve acted under the assumption that I should have a comfortable, easy life, which is contrary to everything I claim to believe. I SAY I love people but lately it seems I only love myself, and not in a humble good way.

Miller said something else that I’ve felt the weight of quite a bit lately – “we have trouble living within a system where no one owes anybody anything.” I read that and just started thinking about how true it is. So many of us hate the idea of someone doing something for us that we cannot repay. We feel we owe them, even if they insist the opposite. It made me think of my relationship with Christ. Why do I have so much trouble accepting His love, mercy, and forgiveness? I want to do it myself. I don’t want to need Him. I easily recognize my need for Him, but I don’t WANT to need him. I’m a really prideful person and I don’t want to need help from anyone for anything. It just feels so… wrong. It feels wrong to accept Christ’s death on the cross because I know it was for me. He died so I didn’t have to and, while I’m incredibly thankful I don’t have to, I have this subconscious need to prove I can save myself. I think it would be incredible if we could live in a system where no one owed anyone anything and just accept it.

A final thing Miller wrote was “the thing about Tom Toppins (who this is isn’t relevant) is that he really believed things. He wasn’t swayed.” I’ve thought about this before too. How unbelievable would our Christian family be if we weren’t swayed by what others wanted us to be, if we truly believed what we say we do?! It’d be magnificent. I think this generation is bringing this to life in a lot of ways (though that could just be within the sphere of Christians I know). I’ve seen so many young Christians step up and be the body of Christ even when it costs them greatly. It blows my mind, but then I remember, they believe the things they say they do and with passion they walk with Christ, unmoving. It makes me reconsider my walk with Christ. There have been times I’ve stood up and been unmoving in what I believe; times when I would follow Christ wherever He went. But where is that currently? It’s wrapped up in my selfishness. Pray for my heart.

Don Miller’s Blue Like Jazz was an interesting read. I didn’t agree with all of it but what did stand out to me really made me take a look at the life with Christ I’ve been living. It made me start thinking about how serious and beautiful a relationship with Christ really is. God uses all sorts of things to open our blind eyes and heal our souls. He’s a great God and Father.

Yahweh,

I miss You. I don't know how to find You again though. The nightmares are back and really bad. I'm not sure why they're back. It's such a fight for me to leave my own house. I just never really want to. It's safer here. Unless it's nighttime - then nothing feels safe except driving. As long as I'm on the run, I can't be hurt. But when I'm stagnate, my chest swells with fear at every shadow and every noise. Is it strange that at night I feel safer outside in darkness than in my own bed? Probably.

I can't do emotions or much logical thought lately. It's just too much. I can't be empathetic, sympathetic, or anything else. I care, so I'm not apathetic, but I just... can't be anything to anyone. Maybe that makes me selfish or something but I'm just empty inside. Empty and broken. And I'm not even sure I have all the pieces, or strength, to put me back together. I suppose You could though. So will You? Will You put me back together? Will You pull me back up to my feet? Without You, my life is really meaningless anyway. Help me?

Sincerely,

A desolate daughter