Crying Heart

Stabbing. That's the only word close enough to what my heart feels. It feels like I've been stabbed in my heart. It's a heartache so real, it nearly renders me useless as a human being. My brother has always been my hero, my protector, my person to go to for advice, my father figure (since there's 13 years between us). I've looked up to him for the last 22 years and, though I've known for a while now that he wasn't perfect, this situation just really hit that point home for me. My heart cries out for him and his terror and pain. I know he caused this, but he has unjustly been charged. I just... I'm not going to see my brother for a long time and to be honest, I almost believe him when he says he'll kill himself before he serves all of his time. My biggest fear my entire life has been losing my oldest brother. Selfishly, that's what I fear. I can't call him in the middle of the night anymore when I'm upset, I can't text him about a problem, I can't Skype for a chat, I can't be hugged by him, I can't... I'm losing my brother.

Everyone thinks I'm so cold and heartless, but I'm not. I feel. I hurt. And I just want my brother back. I just want him to be free. I know it's illogical to want such things. I know he's made his bed and is being forced to lie in it. I know there's nothing any of us can do to change it. But this is just how I feel. I don't always agree with him or condone every choice he's made, but he is my brother. I'll always love my brother.