Late Night/Early Morning: A Resolution

I question everything. I need a purpose for everything I do. Questions give me the potential for answers, which leads me to finding purpose. It seems logical to me. Logic. That's an old friend and enemy at the same time. On the one hand, I've found logic and reasoning to serve me well and lead me down the wisest path; however, on the other hand, logic and reasoning leave me... wanting. I feel an almost compulsion to have everything orderly in my mind and to make sense of things around me, but sometimes, all that leaves me with is more questions and an empty feeling in my chest. So what's missing? Everyone around me tells me it is emotion, feeling, that I lack. They tell me I am heartless, cold, unfeeling. Am I? I've seen what emotions do to people. I've seen it first hand ruin lives. Is all that really necessary? Something in my mind nudges me toward... yes, it is. But that's my problem lately. I just cannot figure out why something so fickle is so important to a large majority of humanity. In addition to my need to rationalize, I feel compelled to remain as distant from emotion and feeling, without seeming like a sociopath, as I possibly can (aside from sporadic bursts from a deep well of pain or the occasional glimpse of true joy of Christ). I look at my faith, though. The faith I have in Christ. It is a logical faith to me. It is a religion of reason. I just can't shake the feeling that it calls for more than that though and understand, if it does, why it does. I have to know. I need to know why emotions are so important to humanity, to my humanity. I need to know what it's like to feel the way other people do and not just do things out of compulsion or reason. The only time I can ever remember feeling an overwhelming, uncontrollable, indescribable emotion is anytime I think of or hear about victims of human trafficking. I feel my insides nearly literally break in two and that I HAVE to do something about it. Maybe that's why I want to use nursing to help them... I subconsciously want to feel something. Maybe all of this is nonsense. I'm not sure. I am not really one to make new year's resolutions, as I am constantly setting goals for myself and find doing it only once a year to be a shallow attempt at making one feel better about themselves, but perhaps this year I shall. I'll make it a goal to honestly attempt to understand this whole feelings thing again, with the ulterior motive of deepening relationships long stressed by my compulsions.