Nostalgic Post

Been thinking about the past a lot lately. Not the bad stuff, just the things I miss. I miss certain times in my young adult life and feel like I'd do nearly anything to go back and do them over again.

• I miss CIY with the original youth group I came in with.
• I miss the unity I felt at the church I first started going to.
• I miss BCT and AIT and all the new experiences gained there.
• I miss Iraq and the lifestyle it brought.
• I miss being in the Army period.
• I miss old high school friends and the bonds we shared.
• I miss best friends, with whom I have gone longer than acceptable without talking.
• I miss living with my old high school friend, Ash.
• I miss orienteering as a team.
• I miss the cross country team of my second college season. 
• I miss the way college use to be before life got super serious.
• I miss when less of my family was dead.
• I miss when my brother was able to be my brother and mentor and friend.

I don't mind where I am now and I'm excited about where the future has the potential to take me. I just miss the relationships I've made in the last 6 1/2 - 8 years and I don't really care for how the dynamics have changed. I guess moving around and things changing is just one of the least likable parts of the adult experience. I'm not really sad about things not being the same, just reminiscent. We can't go back, so hopefully the future brings better days with new memories and experiences to be had. 

Bright Lightening from Dark Storms

I remember the first time I truly recognized right from wrong. I was 7-years-old in 2nd grade. I lied to a little boy. Of course, by 7 I knew right and wrong, but it was that day I lied to him it sunk in: I am capable of making mistakes and, even though I was never called out on it, those mistakes have consequences. Ever since that day, I've kept a record of my own wrongs. I know every mistake, everything my finite memory will allow me to recall. It's like a weight that sits not only on the back of my mind but wholly on my heart.

Lately this has kept me from Yahweh. I KNOW He has to know everything I've done too. But now I'm not a 7-year-old girl lying about something inconsequential. Now I'm an adult and I harbor hatred that kills souls; I hold on dearly to unforgiveness; I refuse grace to those who no more deserve it than I do, though I have it; I walk with double standards. That's not even the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my blackened heart and the things I justify. And it's not even just about being a Christian and the "guilt thing" so many attribute to the faith. Long before I was ever a Christian, I felt the weight of my mistakes and I felt the pride that comes with wanting to look good in everyone's eyes regardless of my own faults.

More than knowing God knows all about me, I know that He is not only a God of love, but of purity and holiness. All I can think when I even consider approaching Him is "How could I dare go to the Creator of everything when such darkness and unholiness constantly wash over me?" It's not so much that I want to be out of darkness solely because it is what He asks of me, but rather, I want to see light and see His face. I WANT to be where He is, but why would He let me?

I talked this over a bit with a close friend the other day. It was pointed out that perhaps my perception of God is skewed. He's not just a God who leaves us out in the cold when we mess up; He doesn't just see us as our mistakes; He doesn't just want to punish us. He wants us to come to Him. He wants to hear of what we've done, not to gloat or point out we'll never be good enough, but so we can see the extent of His forgiveness. He's not JUST a God of love, holiness, and purity, but also a God of mercy, forgiveness, grace, and compassion.

It was also pointed out that the Prince of Darkness tells these lies. It's like when Jesus was tempted in the desert. Satan takes things out of context, leaving just enough truth to be convincing. Christ had a bigger voice speaking to Him though to point out these half truths. It's the same voice I need to be listening for.

I was created to love and be loved by the Creator of the Universe. It's so easy to forget that. He doesn't have to keep a record of our wrongs. He sent Christ to spill His blood so these mistakes can be covered. He sent Jesus to take my place so that I may come to Him in my sin, weakness, and with humility to seek His face and see Light. There's more to me, to us, than our shortcomings. There's hope, forgiveness, and redemption. We just have to choose to come to Him.

As the father in Luke 15:11-32 rejoices when his lost son returns home and doesn't think twice about accepting him or throwing his sins in his face, so too does God rejoice when we return to Him, regardless of where we've been and what we've done.

I love you. I miss you.

It crushed me when I found out about you while I was deployed.
It hurt me when I found out you were going away for a long time.
But it nearly breaks me to know I almost lost you that day over this past Christmas break.
I love you, you moron.
You're my big brother. You've always been like a father to me because of our huge age difference.
It's like finding out you nearly lost a parent.
Something in me is so deeply saddened.
I can feel your heart breaking.
I break because you break.
I love you, Brother. I always will.
Please never leave me on purpose. Please never try to again.
I honestly need you in my life.
There isn't a day that goes by that you don't cross my mind.
I wish I could talk to you. Ask you how to fix things in my life. Seek your guidance.
I'd even settle for one of your big towering hugs.
I just miss you.
I love you, Brother.

Clinical Day 1: Humbled

Today was my first day of nursing clinicals. I tried not to go in with too many expectations or preconceived notions; I felt like that would make it more intimidating. Needless to say, interacting with patients on a floor is a whole other ball game from dealing with them in the back of the ambulance. To say the least, it was humbling. I had one assigned patient, but was able to help with others as well. I suppose what I learned today was:

1. I will never know everything. 
2. I don't know enough yet.
3. I truly do want to meet the patient's needs.
4. I want to make every patient's life easier for them while I'm a part of it.
5. Some patients really are just lonely.

There were a few patient's on our assigned floor that knew they were dying. The look on their faces despite their upbeat attitude... man, there's not really anything you can say about that. I really wish that hugging some of the patients were enough to make them feel better and be healed. 

I was really worried that maybe I wouldn't like being on the floors after the rush of EMS work, that maybe I wasn't really cut out for it; however, after today, I feel like perhaps I'm heading down a road that I can eventually be really good at and bring a lot of help to people everywhere. 

If you're the praying sort, pray with me that I learn what I need to each semester to help patients the most, that I am a light to those that I am allowed to meet and interact with, and that I stay humbled and never think I know more than I do. Above all, pray for those to whom I will be a student nurse, that they will find comfort and relief. 

Late Night/Early Morning: A Resolution

I question everything. I need a purpose for everything I do. Questions give me the potential for answers, which leads me to finding purpose. It seems logical to me. Logic. That's an old friend and enemy at the same time. On the one hand, I've found logic and reasoning to serve me well and lead me down the wisest path; however, on the other hand, logic and reasoning leave me... wanting. I feel an almost compulsion to have everything orderly in my mind and to make sense of things around me, but sometimes, all that leaves me with is more questions and an empty feeling in my chest. So what's missing? Everyone around me tells me it is emotion, feeling, that I lack. They tell me I am heartless, cold, unfeeling. Am I? I've seen what emotions do to people. I've seen it first hand ruin lives. Is all that really necessary? Something in my mind nudges me toward... yes, it is. But that's my problem lately. I just cannot figure out why something so fickle is so important to a large majority of humanity. In addition to my need to rationalize, I feel compelled to remain as distant from emotion and feeling, without seeming like a sociopath, as I possibly can (aside from sporadic bursts from a deep well of pain or the occasional glimpse of true joy of Christ). I look at my faith, though. The faith I have in Christ. It is a logical faith to me. It is a religion of reason. I just can't shake the feeling that it calls for more than that though and understand, if it does, why it does. I have to know. I need to know why emotions are so important to humanity, to my humanity. I need to know what it's like to feel the way other people do and not just do things out of compulsion or reason. The only time I can ever remember feeling an overwhelming, uncontrollable, indescribable emotion is anytime I think of or hear about victims of human trafficking. I feel my insides nearly literally break in two and that I HAVE to do something about it. Maybe that's why I want to use nursing to help them... I subconsciously want to feel something. Maybe all of this is nonsense. I'm not sure. I am not really one to make new year's resolutions, as I am constantly setting goals for myself and find doing it only once a year to be a shallow attempt at making one feel better about themselves, but perhaps this year I shall. I'll make it a goal to honestly attempt to understand this whole feelings thing again, with the ulterior motive of deepening relationships long stressed by my compulsions.

Crying Heart

Stabbing. That's the only word close enough to what my heart feels. It feels like I've been stabbed in my heart. It's a heartache so real, it nearly renders me useless as a human being. My brother has always been my hero, my protector, my person to go to for advice, my father figure (since there's 13 years between us). I've looked up to him for the last 22 years and, though I've known for a while now that he wasn't perfect, this situation just really hit that point home for me. My heart cries out for him and his terror and pain. I know he caused this, but he has unjustly been charged. I just... I'm not going to see my brother for a long time and to be honest, I almost believe him when he says he'll kill himself before he serves all of his time. My biggest fear my entire life has been losing my oldest brother. Selfishly, that's what I fear. I can't call him in the middle of the night anymore when I'm upset, I can't text him about a problem, I can't Skype for a chat, I can't be hugged by him, I can't... I'm losing my brother.

Everyone thinks I'm so cold and heartless, but I'm not. I feel. I hurt. And I just want my brother back. I just want him to be free. I know it's illogical to want such things. I know he's made his bed and is being forced to lie in it. I know there's nothing any of us can do to change it. But this is just how I feel. I don't always agree with him or condone every choice he's made, but he is my brother. I'll always love my brother.

Jesus is the Christ

I am quite fond of reading books on a multitude of subject matters. I like to know things and I like to see what others think apart from myself. I would like to think it helps me refine my own thoughts and opinions of things to know what else is out there. If my faith is as steadfast as I believe it to be, then what have I to worry about in wavering from it? No matter how far I have gone in the past, I have always come back to Truth.

Recently I was flipping around in a lot of books about other religions and came across this part in the front of a Quran:

“What need has Allah of a son? He is Holy and free from all weakness and defects, including the contingency of death. He needs not a son to take His place. Everyone and everything belongs to Him and is obedient to Him and under His control. That which belongs to Him cannot be His equal. That which is obedient to Him and is under His control cannot rebel against His authority. No one can, therefore, aspire to equality with Him, nor would He need a helper to subdue such an aspirant. He is the Originator of the heavens and earth; the sole Creator of the universe. He needed not a son to assist Him in the creation of the universe. Whatever He decrees is carried into effect. He needs no son to assist Him in the governance of the universe.”

When I was Iraq and made some friends there, religion was obviously brought up at points. I believe strongly in my faith and so too did my new friends in theirs. At one point, Luis (not his real name, but it’s his “American” name we gave him for his own protection) said Christianity and Islam are the same except for the view on Jesus. He says Jesus is just a man. I disagreed, of course, but I was not about to get into an argument over religion with a man I had to work with everyday. I simple said I disagreed and we left it at that.

When I read the previous passage from that Quran, it got me thinking about that conversation with Luis and how that is what he honestly believes. I thought about how I just could not succumb to the thought that Christ was not the Messiah. Then I thought about why. A few things came to mind.

First, the whole passage seems to give the impression that Allah (their word for God) does not care if we have the freewill to love. I kind of have this view that God is love. Love creates (think about it, when you’re truly in love with someone, you create a relationship, a child, a life together. Love creates). It seems only logical that Yahweh would create us out of love. In the Garden of Eden, Yahweh gave Adam and Eve only one rule: “do not eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.” Yahweh was giving them the chance to love Him back by being obedient. He did not force them; He gave them free will because without it, they would not be true bearers of the image of God. They needed to be loving creatures. Think about it: if you love someone, it means a whole lot more if they freely love you back. To have their love faked or forced really isn’t the same at all.

Second, the passage talks about God being in control and everyone and everything obeys His authority. Yes, if Yahweh wanted to make everything and one bend at His will, of course He could. He is God, the Creator of the entire universe; however, as it is clearly seen in the Bible, God is a God who will let His creation have their heart’s desires. He is like a parent and we’re His children. If we wanted to break ourselves trying to save ourselves, He let us. It seems we are a creation that often learns the hard way. Once we were a broken creation, Yahweh put in motion the works of our redemption and reconciliation with Him. He intervened when necessary but Yahweh still allowed us our free will.

Third, this kind of ties the first two together a bit. I just get the notion that the passage implies that love makes Yahweh weak. I feel like Yahweh can be powerful, authoritative, and able all the while loving perfectly. I believe that God does what He does out of love for His beloved creation.

Fourth, the passage says that God has no use of a son and that a man could not be His equal. A few things here stand out in my mind: First, I believe that Yahweh is the Godhead three in one. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are one yet separate. It’s kind of crazy to think about but it is what I believe. In Genesis 1:1, the original Hebrew used the name “Elohim” for God. It is a plural form of “gods” but not in a numerical sense. Given the context of the passage it is in, it is indicated that it means ”godhead” or one God in different forms. Second, if Jesus is a part of the godhead, He is both fully man and fully God. He is God incarnate. He is not aspiring to be God’s equal, for He IS God in human form. Third, what use has God of a son? Sin is a human problem. It is not a problem that God has, but rather, that we have. Only a perfect human could make the atoning sacrifice necessary to overcome the wages of our sin. What better way than for God to have enough love and compassion for His creation to take on this task Himself? He came and walked among us. He breathed, bled, and wept just as all humanity has. He walked throughout the earth and not once sinned. He came and took our place so that we could finally be redeemed! Without that perfect Lamb, we stand no hope of seeing the face of God and serving Him for eternity. The Son was not a need of God’s; it was a need of ours. It was – is – our salvation.

This is just what I thought when I read that passage. Maybe I’m wrong. I really cannot say for sure. I just have faith that Jesus is the Christ and the Son of the Living God. I am not bashing Islam; I am simply (sort of) saying why I cannot believe Jesus is anything less than the Messiah. I serve a God who loved me enough to be crushed by the weight of my iniquities. If love makes me, or my Yahweh weak, -shrugs- so be it.

The battle over flesh and blood cannot compare to the battle for the heart.

Book Ponderings

I recently read the book Blue Like Jazz. If you haven't read it, it's a little bit like Shane Claiborne's The Irresistible Revolution. It's about a radical change in our thinking toward Christianity and what that looks like in the life of the author. While I don't agree with everything Don Miller wrote, his writing does warrant a little cognitive processing on my end. The rest of this post is predominately about the parts of his work I found made me stop and think a bit.

In the second chapter of Miller's book there's this part where Don recaps a conversation he had with his friend, Tony. They're discussing some of the horrid things going on in the Congo when Tony poses the question to Miller "Are you capable of murder or rape or any of the other stuff taking place over there?" After a bit of discussion, Miller finally says, "What you are really saying is that we have a sin nature, like the fundamentalist Christians say." That stood out to me.

This isn’t Miller’s final thought on this matter of our sinful natures, but just that posed question made me think – what do I think about our human nature as far as sin goes? Honestly, probably because I AM human, I wanted to think that maybe we aren’t bad, but that some people just “go bad”. But if we aren’t innately sinful, then why do we have to be taught to be good? I think it’s obvious if you look around that we, as humanity, are broken. There’s really no denying it. I love that we aren’t stuck there. We aren’t hopeless in such a lost and less than hopeful world.

As I continued to read, Miller stated something else that I’ve thought, but never really heard before – “I am the problem.” My first thought was “Am I?” Am I? I claim to be part of the body of Christ but how often am I His hands, His feet, His body? Probably not near enough. I, we, can blame the problems of this often horrible world on “them” and “they” but when will we as a whole of humanity change ourselves? It seems cliché to say, but Ghandi was on to something when he said, “be the change you want to see in the world” and C.S. Lewis too when he said:

“All this flashy rhetoric about loving you.

I never had a selfless thought since I was born.

I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;

I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,

I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;

I talk of love – a scholar’s parrot may talk Greek –

But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.”

We can’t whine and blame fingers; instead we should step up however we can. We are the problem, but we can also be part of the solution. This world won’t be perfect, but with Christ in us, we can move in the right direction.

With all this thought about sin and problems, I have to wonder, “Were we ever suppose to be good?” There’s just so much broken in this world that it hardly seems likely. But I look to my Bible and I’m certain we were. God made us in His image and He said that we were good. He was pleased with us. But we are easily tempted, as we saw with Adam and Eve. We found ourselves broken in the garden and then removed from its beauty. I flipped around in my Bible some more, saddened that we just seem so broken. I found myself reading about Christ. I know He came to redeem us and reconcile us to God, but what does that mean for us now until He returns again? I looked at Paul of Tarsus. He was a horrible man who persecuted Christians. He thought he was right, but after an encounter with God, he realized he was part of the problem with the world. He wanted to be as God intended him to be. He became a fierce warrior in the name of Christ. What I’m trying to say with this bit about Paul is that with Christ, the good in us can shine through. We weren’t meant to be broken but the mark of sin has left us this way. God offers an alternative.

Basically, that’s what I thought about while I read the second chapter of the book. Besides this theme of sin in the book, there’s also a bit about love, which I suppose you’d expect in Christian literature. Something Miller said of interest to me was that “we do what we love to do.” That beget the obvious questions “what do I do?” and “what do I say I love?” I SAY I love Christ and His people and I SAY I want to give my life to that, but does what I DO even remotely support that? The more I thought about it the more I realized how selfish I really am. Ever since I got back to America, I’ve had this subtle attitude that this place owed me something. I’ve not be frivolous with my money or anything crazy, but rather, I’ve acted under the assumption that I should have a comfortable, easy life, which is contrary to everything I claim to believe. I SAY I love people but lately it seems I only love myself, and not in a humble good way.

Miller said something else that I’ve felt the weight of quite a bit lately – “we have trouble living within a system where no one owes anybody anything.” I read that and just started thinking about how true it is. So many of us hate the idea of someone doing something for us that we cannot repay. We feel we owe them, even if they insist the opposite. It made me think of my relationship with Christ. Why do I have so much trouble accepting His love, mercy, and forgiveness? I want to do it myself. I don’t want to need Him. I easily recognize my need for Him, but I don’t WANT to need him. I’m a really prideful person and I don’t want to need help from anyone for anything. It just feels so… wrong. It feels wrong to accept Christ’s death on the cross because I know it was for me. He died so I didn’t have to and, while I’m incredibly thankful I don’t have to, I have this subconscious need to prove I can save myself. I think it would be incredible if we could live in a system where no one owed anyone anything and just accept it.

A final thing Miller wrote was “the thing about Tom Toppins (who this is isn’t relevant) is that he really believed things. He wasn’t swayed.” I’ve thought about this before too. How unbelievable would our Christian family be if we weren’t swayed by what others wanted us to be, if we truly believed what we say we do?! It’d be magnificent. I think this generation is bringing this to life in a lot of ways (though that could just be within the sphere of Christians I know). I’ve seen so many young Christians step up and be the body of Christ even when it costs them greatly. It blows my mind, but then I remember, they believe the things they say they do and with passion they walk with Christ, unmoving. It makes me reconsider my walk with Christ. There have been times I’ve stood up and been unmoving in what I believe; times when I would follow Christ wherever He went. But where is that currently? It’s wrapped up in my selfishness. Pray for my heart.

Don Miller’s Blue Like Jazz was an interesting read. I didn’t agree with all of it but what did stand out to me really made me take a look at the life with Christ I’ve been living. It made me start thinking about how serious and beautiful a relationship with Christ really is. God uses all sorts of things to open our blind eyes and heal our souls. He’s a great God and Father.

Yahweh,

I miss You. I don't know how to find You again though. The nightmares are back and really bad. I'm not sure why they're back. It's such a fight for me to leave my own house. I just never really want to. It's safer here. Unless it's nighttime - then nothing feels safe except driving. As long as I'm on the run, I can't be hurt. But when I'm stagnate, my chest swells with fear at every shadow and every noise. Is it strange that at night I feel safer outside in darkness than in my own bed? Probably.

I can't do emotions or much logical thought lately. It's just too much. I can't be empathetic, sympathetic, or anything else. I care, so I'm not apathetic, but I just... can't be anything to anyone. Maybe that makes me selfish or something but I'm just empty inside. Empty and broken. And I'm not even sure I have all the pieces, or strength, to put me back together. I suppose You could though. So will You? Will You put me back together? Will You pull me back up to my feet? Without You, my life is really meaningless anyway. Help me?

Sincerely,

A desolate daughter

Late night thinking about a book

Today I read the book A Clockwork Orange. The ultimate themes running through this book are freewill and whether or not it is ethical to force good upon someone, no matter how psychotic the individual may be. This got me thinking:

What does God want? Does He want goodness, or the choice of it?

Is a man who chooses bad perhaps, in some ways, better than a man who has good imposed upon him?

And of course, is it ethical, aside from my Christian world view, to take away someone's right to choose between right and wrong?

To the first question, I looked to Biblical sources. In Genesis 2:16-17, after God had made man, he gave Adam but one rule. He said "You are free to eat from any tree of the garden, but you must not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, for on the day you eat from it, you will certainly die." It seems like here is where God establishes mans free will to choose good and bad. He gives them the chance to choose.

However, while I'm a firm believer than we are given free will, I find there are times when God must step in for us because we, as a whole of humanity, are not capable of escaping sin on our own. For example, in Genesis 6:5-7 "When the Lord saw that man's wickedness was widespread on the earth and that every scheme his mind thought of was nothing but evil all the time, the Lord regretted that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart. Then the Lord said, 'I will wipe off the face of the earth: man, whom I created, together with the animals, creatures that crawl, and birds of the sky - for I regret that I made them.'"

So on the one hand, God seems to want us to have the choice of goodness, shown by the first example. On the other hand, God seems to want just our goodness, shown by the second example. This second example begets the question, in my mind, how deep are we talking with goodness here? There's good deeds and righteous acts, but there's also the state of the heart. I think that's what He's getting at.

The people of the second example had corrupt hearts with no desire for what was righteous, pure, and holy, much like our character, Alex, from the aforementioned book. Just as God desired our goodness, so too did the State of which Alex was in custody. I think the key to going about seeking that goodness lies in the motivation of the heart. In God's case, His motivation was ultimately love. He was beside Himself with grief over His decayed creation. He knew what would be best in bringing about the ultimate redemption for His Bride. He was looking to the future and had best interests at heart for those past, present, and future. In Alex's situation, Dr. Brodsky admits that he cares not for the boy's reformation and well-being as much as he cares about freeing up prison space and lowering crime rates. The motivation behind his method of seeking goodness from Alex is entirely selfish.

To basically sum up my answer to the first question, I think God wants us to have the choice to choose between good and bad; however, I also think that He will go through great lengths to save us from ourselves out of pure love and mercy. This is subject to change as I ponder it more, but for now, this is where I stand.

To the second question (Is a man who chooses bad perhaps, in some ways, better than a man who has good imposed upon him?), maybe it's not a question of who is better. Is a man defined as good or bad based on their ability to choose? No! They are defined based, not on the ability, but rather the choice itself. Furthermore, another questions needs to be asked: was there a point in which the second man of this question gave consent to having good imposed upon him? I think that's a defining question in and of itself. For example, in the text, Alex is brought up to speed about his selection to be a study for the experimental Ludovico Technique. Afterwards, he is asked to sign waivers, giving his consent to the procedure. In my mind, Alex gave up his future right to choose between right and wrong in that moment. The consequences on the procedure are ultimately what Alex chose to have happen. He chose to have good imposed upon him and even still his motives were deceitful for he was promised release from prison in a fortnight, rather than serve the full 14 years. Aside from choice and back to the question at hand, is one better than the other, perhaps the motive behind the ones imposing good upon another is important. When God imposed good, it was loving; when Dr. Brodsky did it, it was selfishness and the need to be recognized as having done something worthwhile.

Perhaps, though, none of that really even matters. In this day and age, a majority of Westerners abhor the idea of their free will being even remotely sabotaged. From that mindset, I'm almost certain the man who has the choice to choose bad will be seen as the better of the two; however, from my own personal view, I see neither as better than the other and motive to be of equally a valid concern to the question.

To the final question (is it ethical, aside from my Christian world view, to take away someone's right to choose between right and wrong?), let's look at what happened in the book. Alex was a brutal young boy of only 16. He beat, raped, murdered, and stole, among numerous other things, and he felt absolutely nothing but pure joy out of doing so. He didn't care for ethics and morality, he just did whatever he felt like doing to bring him that rush he desired. Typically, as a society, we immensely hinder a person's ability to choose by placing them in prisons when they commit great offenses on society. But there are those, like Alex, who spend that prison sentence simply biding their time until they can be free to choose to do evil once again. It was made very clear that was what Alex wanted, and was even the sole purpose for his choosing to have good imposed on him. With individuals such as that, who are legitimately psychotic at their very core, is it ethical to take away their right to choose between right and wrong? Honestly, apart from my world view, I can't see a reason why not. It would be in the best interest of the greater good and, in extreme cases such as Alex's, it could keep many people from being hurt and tortured. However, still apart from my Christian world view, I would not see it being very ethical to impose goodness upon those who are of no harm to the greater good. That would eventually breed a type of dystopian world, as is portrayed in A Clockwork Orange, which would in turn be horrible for the greater good.

a poem about nothing

i'd write something of worth to me

but i feel as though my hands are bound.

i'll write nothing

and pretend it will suffice.

but is this pretending enough to guarantee

that what is absent will be found?

what needs to be said is cutting

so i'll take my own advice

and i'll say nothing

I'm not really home

i'm home, but i'm not home

i feel like i'm missing something

or i'm seriously dreading something

i just don't feel like all of me came back

i don't really want to be here

it's hard to hear about all of these problems and pains

when there's so much worse over there

i honestly never wanted to come home

my heart was never really here

there's no real joy in anything here

it's all so cheap and shallow

i want to leave again

Stirring Up the Soul

I was recently asked how I knew God was really there and how I knew He cared enough to interact in our lives. I refrained from the typical Christian answers - full of logic, research, facts, etc. I was so tired of spouting off those types of answers without really giving true thought to how I really knew. I asked the person to give me a solid ten minutes to give some serious thought to it so I could answer them in a meaningful way. This seemed to shock them. I suppose they were used to defensive Christians who just wanted to be right. But Corinthians 13 says if you have all the knowledge and skills of the world but do not love, it is worthless. How could I be so cold and heartless in such important matters? This deserved my full attention and time. The individual granted me the time I requested.

This is how I responded to him when I had formulated my thoughts:

"First, I'm not sure we can KNOW 100% with no doubts that He is there. It's about faith. However, not totally blind faith. God encourages us to test and seek the faith we proclaim. It is very much welcomed and I myself am a huge skeptic in nearly anything, so you can be sure I take every claim of my faith and put it to the test as I understand how to.

Second, while I'm not sure we can 100% know He is there, I still have no doubts that He is for the simple reason that I have seen Him work in my life. There are two times in particular that I'd like to share with you.

The first was not even a month after I'd become a Christian and accepted God's love and forgiveness. I was about 15 and, not many know it but, I had a pretty bad home life. The police, child services, and all kinds of detectives became involved. I was afraid that nothing conclusive would happen and I'd be stuck. So one night after things had gotten crazy at home, I was laying down, unable to sleep because of a terrifying fear. I felt this tugging on my heart. It was like hearing a really quite voice in the wind - ever so faint but still audible. It was telling me to run. All I could think was "Run? And go where?" The voice did not specify, it just kept telling me to get up, pack a bag, and leave. I remember listening intently to the house for any signs of life. I remember silently creeping out of bed, careful not to disturb my sleeping sister, and packing a small backpack. I didn't know how long I'd be gone or where I was going, but this voice seemed convincing and it was better than all the other voices in my life. The walk from the front of the house to the back door was the longest walk of my life. I literally felt my heart stop every time the floor made a noise. I got to the door, stopped, and reached for the handle. I just held my hand there, looking at the handle and thinking, "What am I doing? This is it. If I walk out this door, there's no going back anymore. Am I really going to do this?" Then I just walked out of the door. I stepped into the cool wintery air and already felt the weight of terror lifted from my shoulders, but not for long. Now I was certain that my family would immediately know I'd left and would be coming for me. No such thing occurred. Suffice it to say that after that night, I went to foster care. I found myself safe, fed, and healthy. If I had not listened to that voice, I'm not really sure what would have happened. I have every confidence that God was instrumental in that night. God saved my soul, then He spared my body.

The second instance I want to tell you about is one that has been etched in my mind ever since the day it happened. When I'm in a time of doubt, yes even Christians doubt at times, I think back to this and it erases all doubt. I was still wreaking the consequences of my previous story, both the things I had done and things done to me. Everyone in the house was asleep. Everything was silent. I found myself wanting to run away again. To get far away from what I thought to be my mistakes and those who had harmed me. Instead, I found myself curled into a ball, propped up against the stove in my parent's kitchen, crying in the dark. I had no idea what to do with myself, I needed out of my emotions, my past, my sin... I need salvation. I was, of course, a Christian at the time, but I was so lost and confused about what that truly meant. I started to cry out to this God I had only recently begun to know. I begged Him from the depths of my soul to save me, to forgive me, and to redeem me. I felt a pain so deep, so beyond the surface, I thought I might literally rip in two. I cried out to Him from my anguished soul for the help and relief I had heard He promised. In the midst of my sobbing and begging and praying, I heard a voice. It softly whispered my name, "Tiffany." Normally, such a thing would frighten me, but this voice did not. I looked around best I could in the dark, thinking maybe I had awakened someone. But that wasn't really plausible because no one in the house would have just whispered my name. They would be yelling. Again, I heard the voice, "Tiffany." Something within me felt I knew this voice. I didn't have a name for it, but I knew heard it and I knew I wasn't going crazy. One final time I heard this voice, "Tiffany, it's okay," it soothed this time. I sat there, mesmerized. God was speaking to me. Not just to my soul, but to my ears. I had heard Him! I sat there for over an hour just in awe of His soothing voice. My soul was quieted, lighter, and full of a joy I had never known. My brokenness had been replaced. I always tried to rationalize that night, that voice, but I've never come up with anything but God to fulfill every aspect of that night. God is honestly enough for me.

I'm not sure if this helps you understand, my friend, but God is as real to me as you sitting next to me. Those are just two of many times He's made Himself known in my life. I'll spend all the days of my life seeking His face and trying to understand Him better. I can't make you believe me, but if you're interested in trying to understand or you want to ask more questions, I'm always available and up to the challenge to try to answer your questions as fully as I can. But, buddy, if you do wish to seek and dive in, you're gonna find that while there is a lot of concreteness to the faith, there's also things you can beat to death with "what ifs" and skepticism, only to realize we must sometimes simply walk by faith."

After I finished my little speech, my friend sat there, taking it all in. After a while of silence, he thanked me for my "thoughtful answer" (his words, not mine) and said he would definitely like to discuss this more in the future.

I don't have all the answers; I won't even pretend to. But I know what I know and I have my experiences - good and bad. I'm excited for the future of this young man. I hope that things keep moving forward and his soul is stirred deeply.

A Captured Memory: Coming Home

On November 30th 2011, I was awaken in Kuwait as I had been for the last few days - by the morning taps (not sure if that's what it's called exactly) - at 6am. I dressed in the dark of our ten-man tent that I shared with seven other sleeping females from the B Co unit. Afterwards, I set out for the ten-ish minute walk to the chow hall for a peaceful breakfast alone. I enjoyed the solitude after months of basically having no alone time at all. I enjoyed a nice, long, half-hour, sit-down breakfast then set out to see if the AT&T call center was working yet. It wasn't, of course, so I went next door to the Starbucks. I met up with a few friends there, had an awkward moment with the company 1sgt, then one of the guys and I walked back to the tent-living area. It was a quiet walk with little talk speculating about when we would be "home home". Despite that lack of enthusiasm, it was going to be a good long day for us. Good because we were leaving the middle east, long because, well, everything takes a long time to do in the army. My buddy and I parted ways and I proceeded to pack my last green duffel and play the army's infamous waiting game until it was time to load the trucks with our gear.

Finally, the time arrived for us to load our allotted bags - one large military issue ruck (which when packed fully, is bigger than me and probably weighs half, if not more, of my weight) and one standard green duffel. 232-ish bags and 3 truck loads later, we were finally finished. Eventually, we formed up and got all the typical commander's briefs, did roll call, then marched over to customs.

I don't know if any of you reading this have ever been through customs like this (and I've never done it any other time), but the way this works is you get all your bags scanned and then you dump every bit of it out so the Navy customs guys can inspect it for anything illegal by US law and the UCMJ (for those who don't know, that is Uniformed Code of Military Justice - a whole other law that all military personnel are bound by in addition to regular US laws). Normally every single soldier would go through this, but today they did only a 10% spot check. To choose the individuals for this, we were formed up in mass formation, regardless of your company, and every other line was pulled out into a smaller formation. Those pulled were to do the dreaded task of unpacking and repacking. Of course yours truly was in a chosen line. I walked to where our bags had been laid out, found mine, then went to the line for the scanners. I dragged the bags through and deposited them at the third tent to await the actual dumping of gear, then made my way over to fill out the rest of the customs paper work. A couple of hours later, I'm last to get my gear checked and then I joined the rest of the companies in the holding area, identified as Freedom something or other. It's there that we awaited the buses that would transport us to another airport in Kuwait City somewhere.

By midnight, Kuwait time, we are in another formation with our carry-ons front loaded and weapons strapped to our shivering bodies. We are led to the buses. I'm first in my group and take my seat in the back (since, of course, all buses should be loaded rear to front). Less than ten minutes later, the whole bus is full. At this point, we're pretty exhausted from the long day; hungry; and our pores are practically oozing sand from the non-stop sand blowing winds of Kuwait. We're crammed in pretty tight and we just want relief from our aforementioned ailments, in addition to the hot, smelly bus. About half an hour later, all the buses are fully loaded and we start our 1 - 1 1/2 hour trek to the airport.

I sat in my back corner spot, listening to my ipod shuffle, and pondering about all the had transpired over the last several months. Iraq had been an interesting experience. It wasn’t anything like I had really envisioned that it would be. I didn’t expect to grow so much. I didn’t expect to delve so deeply into my own heart and soul. I didn’t expect to see not only my faults, but also the good in me that Christ had revealed. I learned a great deal about not only myself, but also God and His people, things that no amount of going to college could really help me see.

I learned that sometimes, the strength within ourselves is only revealed to us when being strong is honestly the only choice we have left.

I learned that it isn’t until people are put in a constantly stressed life style that you see who they are and what they are truly made of.

I learned that I am, regrettably, extremely judgmental, but probably not how you'd imagine.

I learned that even in the darkest of moments, there is a Light.

I learned, truly learned, that my God loves me enough to pursue me. He will not let the darkness pull me beyond His reach.

I learned that some of the people you get closest to don’t have to be anything like you. They can be Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, black, white, yellow, young, old, it doesn’t matter. People are people are people. It just doesn’t matter where you come from and what you’ve done. I have come to think that maybe God sees us that way. In His grace and forgiveness, He will meet us where we are, no matter who we are and where we’ve been. He will love all of us with an everlasting love if we are repentant and seeking.

I learned that I am the worst of all sinners but I will never be stuck there because of God’s love for me.

I learned that I pick up languages really quickly. I can now carry on at minimum basic conversation in four languages (English and Spanish fluently, Arabic and Swahili only the basics).

I learned to give people second chances.

I learned that we are not meant to be alone. We need each other. We were created for communion with fellow humans. It is in sharing in one another’s lives that we catch a glimpse of His love, healing, and hope.

I learned that life is a lot better, even in the worst of situations, when you are not going through it alone. There are a lot of people who share in your experiences all over the world. Seeking those people out is so comforting.

I learned that people are hungrier for the Truth than I knew. They are hurting, broken, and some are even seeking. Praise be to God for His allowing me to share what He’s done in my life. All suffering in my life was worth it to share His love with even just one other man.

I learned that in my weakness, I am made strong through Him.

I learned that prayer is powerful, even if I do not understand it.

I learned that I could make a difference even in the little things.

I learned that nothing truly lasts forever in this life.

On the humorous side, I learned that flies like to mock us. If they mock, and attack us, we burn them. Haha.

I learned that going from a 130 (F) down to 40 (F) in a matter of a couple weeks is a definite no go.

I learned that you CAN make a secondary fighting position, pull-up bar, and signs all fit inside a burn barrel.

I learned that the Iraqi’s are not really so different from us. One of my good friends now is from Iraq. I hope to see him in America in the next 1-½ years.

I learned how important the body of Christ really is. I had never cared much for it to be honest. It wasn’t until I went through some of my weakest moments here that I saw how good that body could truly be. The communion God intended to be within His body is a beautiful thing. It taught me a lot about what it means to be family. My family isn’t limited to only those with the same blood as me; my family truly extends all over the world.

It was a crazy six months and I'm better for having experienced it.

My thoughts began to wind down as we pulled into the airport. Relief was just within reach. It lay in the plane off to our left. As we waited for our bus' turn to unload and enter the plane, the troops aboard became pretty restless. The plane was cool, had food, latrines, water, and pillows - it was everything we needed, but more importantly, it was going to take us home. This mission the army sent us on was coming to an end, we were going home, and we were more than ready to get there.

A representative from the airport came onto the bus, briefed us, and we were authorized to exit the bus and ascend onto our one way ticket home. Within an hour, give or take, the cargo was loaded in the belly of the plane and all of the soldiers departing had found a seat. Once we all had our basic needs accommodated, I looked around at those on the plane, nearly every single soldier was passed out from exhaustion. It stayed sleepy and silent for the majority of the five hour flight from Kuwait to Germany.

In Germany, we were given a couple hours at a holding point to call home, get online, lay down, smoke, socialize, etc. Then we boarded the plane for the last nine to ten hour stretch home. And that's where I'm currently penning this from - over the Atlantic Ocean at 5am CST in the states (I have no idea what day it is yet. haha). We're safe and we're coming home.

Veteran's Day Dedication

I remember stories of you when I was a young child.

I remember listening about you in amazement because you were so brave. You were my big older cousin in the army.

I remember the times we talked about me maybe one day joining (I did, of course).

I remember the times you visited, when you could get away from post long enough to come home. You always had stories for me about what I deemed to be "adventures of RD."

I remember you coming to our house with your parents and sister and what great times we had there.

I remember learning about the day you married Nikki (who I'm quite thankful for, by the way).

I remember Trey being born. He looks like you, you know.

I remember your daughter being born. She's so precious.

I remember, too, the day I found out about your death nearly a year ago. I was sitting in my office at work and my family called me. I couldn't even cry. It seemed so surreal because, even at 20, it seemed crazy for me to think someone so young and brave and loving could no longer be on this earth. My heart broke for your family.

I remember not being able to come say goodbye.

For most of this past year, I haven't even been able to look at an E-7 without feeling a twinge a sadness and mourning.

But someone said something today that made me realize, it's all right to remember. It's all right to hurt. But with that, it's also all right to remember who you were and how loving and brave you always were to me. I'm thankful for your presence in my life. I'm thankful for the family you have still here. I'm thankful for the commitment you made to our country.

Cousin, today is your day. It is a day to remember your achievements and sacrifices and the good life that you lived.

You're missed. You're loved. And I pray you are at peace.

R.I.P D and happy Veteran's day, champ

SFC R.D. Lightfoot 9 March 1975 - 8 December 2010