The justice of immortality...

Ever feel the weight of seriousness pressing upon your soul?
It's like all the small stuff can no longer be in comparison.
It's as if the only important things, surrounding death, surface.
Somehow, you see and feel that burden of death beckoning.
You feel your immortality.
No, the small stuff just doesn't compare when facing our own immortality.
There was then, but now... now, there is just the here and now.
Are we ready to see what lies ahead?
I feel I know.
I feel I have a clue.
Death waits for no one.
That's the frightening thing.
It shall steal us from day, like a thief in the night.
Will we stand ready to defend ourselves with His armor?
Will He be our defender?
Or will He be our condemner?
Are we ready?

Dying Inside and Out

Death of those we care for and love deeply affects a lot of us. It comes with painful memories, loneliness, and questions. It also comes with a forgetfulness. We forget that this isn't what we were made for, this dying thing.

We weren't born to die. We were made to live, and live abundantly at that. Death wasn't part of the original plan. Pain wasn't part of the original plan. God made Adam and Eve in a beautiful garden and gave them a rich abundant life, physically and spiritually. Until sin and death entered the picture. Death and evil sought to take captive the very life of God's most sacred creation, us.

I've lost loved ones and close friends. I know the constant heart ache; the waves of crushing pain; the feeling of hating, despising, the world for continuing on without that person. But even with all that hurt and anguish, I can't let those emotions keep me from seeing God. I don't understand His ways. He says, "my ways are not your ways." I trust Him. I trust Him with my heart ache, with my doubts, with my seemingly unanswerable questions about His nature and evil. God tells me that one day, we will stop dying. One day, we won't hurt anymore. One day, we'll have answers. One day, we'll have true rest. One day, we will be restored to Eden.

It's too late for me to talk to the people in my life who have passed and didn't know God and Christ's sacrifice. But there are others in my life. There's now. I trust God will use my pain and experience to tell others the Truth. I pray He uses me wherever I am, despite my own shortcomings.

Our physical bodies will one day perish, but our souls will live on and have their truest desire. We'll get what we want in the end - an eternity with God or without Him. With Him, there is hope, love, and peace. Without Him, there is nothing but seeking that which you can no longer obtain - a relationship with God. What do you want?

Words of Truth

Words are in my soul
But they evade escape.
They must be in fear of
Seeing the world.
They are words of Truth.
They have power.
Power to free.
Power to captivate.
Power to change history.
One day soon, I pray,
These words shall view
All the world
In all their Truthful glory.
Until that day,
These words will remain
Dwelling along the corridors
Of a mending soul.

Holiness

Where is holiness in the midst of war?

There's a keen sense of it when King David went to war.

There's the undeniable notion every time the Israelites went to battle.

Where is that now?

Particularly within myself.

There's this battle I have to fight. A war.

To be honest, I have to fight two wars.

There's this physical war, the one in Iraq I'll soon be part of.

I have to be physically and mentally prepared for it and know my role as a solider.

I feel like this is the easiest of the wars.

I'm almost certain any other soldier would disagree with that, but most don't see the world as I do.

Then there's this spiritual battle.

I think this is the hardest war of all.

I fight with all that is within me to be holy and be of God, but the battle never lulls.

It never ends.

Sometimes I become fatigued. I become weak. I give in.

Sometimes I need just mere moment of silence in His presence. A chance to regroup and ask the ultimate Commander what move I should make next.

I'm a full time soldier in a war that has already been won but will not end until death. But until that death, how do I find true holiness and purity? These battles are so brutal. They draw blood. They rip souls from our bodies. They're heated, passionate, and unrelenting. What do I do with that? Is there even a purity there? I think there is. I think there is a beauty to these wars. A beauty only few every really know. A beauty that will require much self sacrifice to know.

Oh, Adonai, how much of myself am I truly willing to give for Your holiness that I seek?

Will it be enough to carry me through the desert, like with Abraham or Jesus?

In You my weakness is made strong.

I need an unmoving strength.

I need holiness.

Be a light for my feet, guide my hands, steer my soul.

I need You to fight with me and, at times, for me.

I need You, Yahweh.

In my human frailty, I love You.

Tears won't wash this away...

Hey, it's been a while, you. I just want you to know how deeply you are missed. It's like the world is somehow a sadder place without you in it. I wish I knew that crying would mend these wounds and give you life. I try so hard to leave this heartache in God's hands, but damn it, this pain is overwhelming and I'm not strong enough to forfeit it to His hands every day. Today was hard. It's the first time I've really cried about your death. I miss you. I hurt for those who also grieve for your death. I wish I knew you could read this; or hear me when I cry; or see us just one more time. Sometimes I'm so mad at you, but I've never stopped loving you. Maybe one day we'll see you again. I can only pray.

I love you, with all my heart.