Veteran's Day Dedication

I remember stories of you when I was a young child.

I remember listening about you in amazement because you were so brave. You were my big older cousin in the army.

I remember the times we talked about me maybe one day joining (I did, of course).

I remember the times you visited, when you could get away from post long enough to come home. You always had stories for me about what I deemed to be "adventures of RD."

I remember you coming to our house with your parents and sister and what great times we had there.

I remember learning about the day you married Nikki (who I'm quite thankful for, by the way).

I remember Trey being born. He looks like you, you know.

I remember your daughter being born. She's so precious.

I remember, too, the day I found out about your death nearly a year ago. I was sitting in my office at work and my family called me. I couldn't even cry. It seemed so surreal because, even at 20, it seemed crazy for me to think someone so young and brave and loving could no longer be on this earth. My heart broke for your family.

I remember not being able to come say goodbye.

For most of this past year, I haven't even been able to look at an E-7 without feeling a twinge a sadness and mourning.

But someone said something today that made me realize, it's all right to remember. It's all right to hurt. But with that, it's also all right to remember who you were and how loving and brave you always were to me. I'm thankful for your presence in my life. I'm thankful for the family you have still here. I'm thankful for the commitment you made to our country.

Cousin, today is your day. It is a day to remember your achievements and sacrifices and the good life that you lived.

You're missed. You're loved. And I pray you are at peace.

R.I.P D and happy Veteran's day, champ

SFC R.D. Lightfoot 9 March 1975 - 8 December 2010

Sights of Inner Turmoil

I saw you the other day, at that briefing all of the base has to have. I saw you walk in and my heart stopped. My breath felt as though it'd been knocked out of me. I felt myself begin to tremble. I thought to myself, "There's the man who no longer loves me, who no longer wants any part in my life. There's the one abandoned me without cause."

I quickly turned around. I hoped you wouldn't notice me. Did you? And yet, at the same time I secretly hoped you would realize that the only female sitting on our side of the room was in fact me.

I stayed turned around as the boring brief commenced, but the whole time all I could think about was how much I wanted to go to you and talk. How much I wanted to hug you and feel your warm, strong arms embrace me too. I ignored the urge and when the brief was over, I stole one more glance back. Everyone in your unit had gotten up and headed out, but there you were, over in a corner talking with an NCO. I just stared at you as long as I dared to.

I forced myself to turn back around and look away. I turned one final time, just in time to watch you walk away without a thought, just like you did with us.

I miss you in my life.

Melting

I sat, frustrated, in the warm room with beige colored walls attempting to update the database of a system used for my job. The first update failed and, out of my building pent up frustration, I let a slew of profanity escape past my lips. I restarted the annoying device and as I waited for it reboot back up, God made Himself known.

"Why are you afraid, Dear Child? Why do you keep Me from your heart? Why, My Beloved, do you not love me with all your heart?"

I didn't even bother pretending not to know what He meant. I let my frustration out, "That's my problem: You. Your love. How to love. How /I/ love You? I'm unworthy, impure, foul, and unloveable! And I just don't know how to love you with all of me!"

A coolness passed through the warm room. I breathed it in and felt suddenly lighter. "Precious One, you put so much guilt in between our relationship. Give Me your burdens, sins, and shame. Give it to Me and let Me, in My Holiness, teach you what it is to love Me. I love YOU, My Beloved. I traded my Son's spotless life for yours, so we can share in My love as one. Come, be My Bride. Be My Princess."

Somehow this changes things. I can't explain how, but something once ensnaring my heart in a poisonous ice has begun to melt away. My Creator is mending my brokenness. I won't always be in pieces. He's the Light that won't crush me.

Does it matter?

It feels like I'll never understand anything. I'll never really know anything about God, love, people, relationships, family, philosophy... anything. I'll never really understand myself and where I fit in the world. And yet, I can't help but wonder, does the understanding really matter? We strive for a clear way for so much of our lives. We try so hard while running around in the dark. So... does it matter? I really don't know. To know if it matters, it seems I have to "understand" a multitude of other things about the Bible, humanity, etc. It's a continuous circle.

Maybe this is why some people do drugs... they come to this thought and find it circular and a tremendous pondering to unravel, so they go about their life, not understanding and not caring to anymore, all the while the drugs numb their pensive minds.

Let it rain! =)

Let my world crash.

Let it fall away and fall from underneath me.

Let everything go wrong.

Let misery strike me where I stand.

Let my heart break even more.

Let all these things happen and then some.

Why?

Because I am not alone.

Because it is not with my own strength that I stand.

Because with these hard times, Yahweh will be made known.

Because blessed are those who suffer.

Because as Christ suffered, so shall we.

What will I do when brokenness surrounds me?

I will shout Your praises!

I will run to You and hide in Your safety.

I will seek Your face.

I will give my heart to You.

I will love my enemy.

Yahweh, You are everything good.

You are everything beautiful.

You are everything!

You are the light.

You are wisdom.

You are righteous, great, and pure!

You are my glorious and reigning God!!

Let the world shake me.

You promised to never leave me

And I have come to know Your promises are Truth!!

Yahweh, come to this heart.

Fill it.

Make me less of me and more of You!

I love You, Yahweh.

I love You!

I can't hold back the tears tonight

Does your heart ache? Mine does. It feels like someone took a stake, placed it over my heart, and then rammed it into my chest with a sledge hammer. It's a physical ache, a real ache. Most days, God grants me peace and freedom from the pain, but there are other days, like today, where I feel it so deeply, it's as though I may die. It's a painful wound lying open and bare for anyone to see.

I can understand why God would have us not be together. I can understand why this may be for the best. But no amount of understanding can diminish my love for you. No matter how much you hurt me, I still love you.

I love you desperately and deeply. I thought you were the man I would marry. I thought I'd spend my life with you. I thought I'd share everything I had with you. I thought we'd figure out this life together. I thought we'd explore the world together. I thought you loved me as much as I did you. The thought of a life without you... it's almost unbearable.

I don't want anyone else. I want to love you. I want you. With every fiber of my being, I want you. I want your mistakes, your failures, your sadness, your laughter, your thoughts, yes even your talk of gadgets and the military.

You're kind and gentle and protective. You're loving and patient and compassionate. You act when you see things that need to be done. You're a leader, but you know how to follow. And even though you feel so lost about God, when you know He tells you something, you do it with passion. You're not perfect. You have your faults, but so do I.

I love you in a way I never believed was possible. I love you with everything within me. After 4 years of good times, bad times, hundreds of adventures, and long nights, that love is not returned. You were my best friend. I'd have waited for you forever. You were the one for me.

From my desolate heart to Your unyielding ears

Yahweh,

It's all I can do to utter Your name. My heart aches. My eldest brother's heart is hurting so deeply. He's in trouble and he's separated from nearly everything that means the most to him. Knowing he aches makes me shake with pain for him. As much as I'd love to take his heart ache onto myself, I know I cannot. So please, Abba, show him Your love. Speak his name. Let him know that no matter the outcome of this, You're there and he's not alone. I can't be there for my brother beyond my prayers, so please, hear my cries to You.

There's more. My heart aches for so much more. I struggle to forgive my other brother every day. You ask that we forgive as You have forgiven us. I no more deserve Your grace, love, and mercy than he does, and yet, I have it. Help me to forgive, to find Your love for him within myself, and to heal from the things that remind me of things past. He's broken too and in need of Your grace and mercy. Please, speak his name too. So many people do not like him and find him beyond help. He's not beyond you. So please, find a way to reach my brother. Move in his life. He needs You.

And still, there's more. It's been ten months since my cousin died. I know it has not been easy for his wife and children. It's been so hard and they've been so strong. I don't know how she does it honestly. Comfort her in the times it's the hardest. Catch her tears and quiet her soul. Be near to her. I still miss him, too. Every time I see an E-7 here, my heart sinks a little more with grief because that's the rank he was. I wish I'd gotten to say goodbye or just see him one more time. He is dearly missed, Yahweh, and those of us still here need Your comfort and eternal peace. I beg You to hear my cries to You.

Even more. My mother is anguish, too. She's still in the process of recovering from a major back surgery while dealing with everything going on with her children. But even more than that, she struggles with unforgiveness for herself. I think at times, it is crushing to her soul. She has no idea about the truth of Your love, grace, mercy, and sacrifice made in Christ. Show her Your truth. Teach her Your ways. Raise her in You as You have done with me. She never really had a father to guide her. She needs You to guide her through her life and the chaos within her. I think I forgive her, Abba, but I also think it is time she know Your forgiveness is of much greater value than mine. I can only pray that if she could really see You and Your mercy, she'd forgive herself for her mistakes. Chase her, Yahweh.

One last heart ache. My nana. Yahweh, my heart is truly in shambles for her. I miss her so much I can feel it in my core. She has not even left earth yet, but she will never be who she was. Yahweh, I miss who she was so much. I find myself in tears when I remember the day she forgot me. I find myself longing to run to her and have her remember everything. I want to ask her so many things I will now never know. I will never again know her hugs, or her kisses, or the warmth of her smile. I am so thankful she has had 88 years with us, as of yesterday. I pray that when she finally does leave us, it is swift and peaceful. I pray that you ease that sadness I know dwells within my eldest brother about her too. She is so loved and she isn't even capable of knowing it. Yahweh, watch over her, and if You can, let her know how much I love her and she means to me.

My family is going through so much right now Yahweh. I know that Your hands can work great things from the pain, as they have in my life many times.

Even though things are hard right now, I must still give You thanks and praises, for I know in the depths of my soul, You are here with me. I know You will never leave me. I know You are in control and for that I am so thankful. I'm thankful I woke up this morning. I'm thankful I have the body of Christ, the church, to support and pray for me. I'm thankful for the sunrises You show me every morning. I'm thankful for the peace You give my soul when it is a raging sea. I'm thankful for Jesus and His sacrifice for me so that I might know You and feel Your love for me so deeply.

Savior I come, quiet my soul. Remember. Redemptions hill, where Your blood was spilled. For my ransom. And everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss. Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to You. Oh, lead me, lead me to the cross.

This is my prayer, Father.

Love,

a daughter fighting the war within