Love Covers All

All this time I have been thinking that I had God figured out. I thought He was the man who made the rules, I was the girl who always broke them, and then He was the man who hated me deeply until I could find a way to be perfect. I thought I was always doomed to disappoint Him, despite His insistence of that whole loving me thing. I was never going to be good enough. Ever.

Last night, it dawned on me how wrong I was. Yes, God hates sin, but He is also a loving, merciful, and justice-filled God who judges the heart and its intentions. He's also a God who is deeply in love (not hate) with His creation. His love is so foreign to us. Not even the most well-behaved person is deserving of His love and grace and mercy.

And yet... our God's heart is broken for our fallen selves. He longs for communion with us so much that He died for us, for me. My God loves me and His heart breaks every time I turn away from Him in my heart and actions, for He know I'm turning away from Love itself.

Knowing this, in this way, makes it easier to understand how He could forgive me and welcome me with opens when I run back to Him willingly.

"Since you are precious in My sight, since you are honored and I love you, I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life." -Isaiah 43:4

Everlasting God

I've often heard that the God of the New Testament is not the same as the God of the Old Testament. They say there is no way He is the same because of God's character throughout each. I always had trouble reconciling the two characters of God. Or what I thought was two separate characters. Then I read this verse:

Jesus then appeared, arriving at the Jordan River from Galilee. He wanted John to baptize him. John objected, "I'm the one who needs to be baptized, not you!" But Jesus insisted, "Do it. God's work, putting things right all these centuries, is coming together right now in this baptism." So John did it. - Matthew 3:13-15

After I read it, I realized a few things. First, I can't just take the word of those I deem as leaders. Even leaders can be wrong. I can't look to other humans to tell me what to think. I have to look to God and His infinite wisdom. If I don't, I'll be led quite astray.

Second thing was a recurrence of the theme that has been resounding throughout my life since I got to Kuwait: we are in a story far larger than we can see. It is beyond us. Jesus tells John "God's work, putting all things right all these centuries, is coming together right now in this baptism." We are a part of something so much grander. I find an almost surreal peace at the thought that all my suffering and the suffering of those around me has not been for naught. It does have purpose. In retrospect, some of it is easy to see, but some still, I must take it on faith alone that He has a plan.

The last thing I saw goes back to my opening paragraph and my second point, tying them together. If we are in a story, if God has these grand plans for us, if He is so much larger than us, and if we are limited in our finite knowledge, then how can we say that the God of Israel in the Old Testament is any different than the God the Father in the New Testament? How can we say we know what is truly loving? Horrible things were allowed to happen and God told armies to annihilate places, but maybe He has a higher developed sense of love and justice. How can we know for sure that they are so different? I don't think they're different. I think God is, was, and always will be the God that He started out to be. My God is everlasting. My God is the God of love.

Euphoria

I don't understand what is going on with me. I feel a complete inability to feel anything of a less than happy nature. I mean, it is not like I want to be sad or angry or anything like that, but that lack of being even capable of it seems to be a bit worrisome. Pain is how we know where we are inside ourselves. It gauges us. Maybe I feel none of that because I am so enthralled with being where I am. I really am happy here. I've never been so happy. I think the euphoria has ensnared me. I can't say I don't like it but I know that when the euphoric state deadens some, everything else will crash down upon me again. I think this is the calm before a storm. God, what are you doing?

Somewhere new

I just got to Kuwait City, Kuwait yesterday evening. I've never been to this part of the world so during the two hour ride from the air port I had a lot to take in and think about. These are my first initial thoughts upon entering the coutnry.

• The interstate type thing we drove on, I had no idea where it went to and from. It was just road and desert. It kind of made me think of life. What is the function and purpose of the roads we travel?


• The people around here, at least the younger ones, seem laid back. We were driving down what we Americans call an interstate and in the middle between the two opposing lanes of traffic flows is just sand. Several times while we rode, I saw people just chilling in that middle section. One group of young kids started a pick up game of soccer! A man was sitting and having a chat with a friend. Trucks were stopped, taking breaks and relaxing. It's stuff we would probably consider crazy and out of the ordinary but I like it. I like it a lot.


• I smiled at children in some cars as they passed us by and their eyes lit up. I don't really know what to make of that. Does it reflect what they think we normally think of them?


• I want to not only experience the geography and atmosphere, but also the culture and interact with the local nationals.


• I want to play soccer with the children.


• I'd tell the people of Christ even if the Army has already told me not to...


• I've never known desperation of the soul to where I thirst and hunger literally for God. I think I need to. I've known suffering but maybe there's a point to it. Maybe there's a wholeness that can come only from having suffered and finding such a desperation. If so, I have more suffering to do.


• I feel convinced even more that medical missions is what I should do. I feel more convicted to love the wounded souls and hurting people.


• I don't understand the true meaning of love, let alone what it means to love my enemies. God, help me.


• I don't know how I am supposed to feel but I am excited to be here. Excited to see outside the world I've always been in. Excited to see what God does with my heart. Excited to do our mission. I'm excited.


• I miss the landscape of Kentucky.


• The more I see and the more I think, the more it seems likely that America is kind of a brainwashed fool. Like a child that doesn't quite know right from wrong and up from down. America reminds me of Israel.


• We are all lost. I am probably among the most lost.


• It is easy to read about Jesus going to the desert for 40 days and nights in the Bible and think it is cool. But it wasn't until I saw this desert, similar to what He must have been in, that I realized how incredible it is that He could go so long without food, water, and all the while being tempted. That's crazy. He's incredible. It makes it real, being out here. Puts things into perspective.

So, that was what went on in my head during that two hour drive from the airport to the base we are at. And this is only the beginning. God's going to do great things in this desert.

Heaven's Wager Inspired

I've often wondered why friends and loved ones had to die. Why would I be allowed to get close to them and know them only for them to leave me? Not really making it about me, but just trying to understand the loss I felt. I never understood, so I stayed hurting for them and myself. I know we are not originally intended to die, but sin has left our physical bodies with no other choice. So then I turned to God. "God, how could you take this person from me? I needed them in my life." But the more I thought of my pleas for understanding and comfort, the more I saw a few things.

First, the children and ones truly in love with Christ and God, they are so much better off, that it would beyond selfish to wish them back to a place such as this. They've fought the good fight and are now dancing at the feet of the Father. They don't have to suffer any more kinds of pain. For that, I am so thankful. This gives me comfort.

Second, regardless of their faith or lack thereof, I believe God has plans for us. I believe He is up to something grand and admirable and amazing. And I believe that His glory and love are the ultimate reason for His actions. He is beckoning His children to know and love Him of their own free will. He will not force them, but He will not stop pursuing them. If it takes someone's death to do that, so be it.

Finally, stemming from the last thing, I have to keep this phrase in the forefront of my mind, "God, what are you up to now?" If God has plans for us and all things work together for the good of those who love Him, then this is all one large story and we each get a role in it. We are all main characters who don't quite know the entire plot. We catch glimpses but since we didn't write our story, we aren't entirely sure what it entails. Horrible things happen to us, terrible things. People die. People go to war. People are raped. People are addicts. Horrible things go on in this world, but God is the Eternal Author. He doesn't like evil, but He will use this, use us, to bring glory for those who love Him.

None of this takes away the pain of the horrid things that happen, but it gives me insight. God knows better than me. He knows the bigger story. He knows the grand plans. He knows everything. My pain and lack of understanding don't make God evil and it doesn't mean He doesn't exist or care. We are so foolish to think we have the ability to figure this life and God out. We can't. God is love. And I have to hold on to the Truth that my Father would never do anything outside of the name of Love.

Yahweh, I don't know what you are up to in my part of the story right now. I have no clue. I just know I need some comfort as the story plays out. I need wisdom and guidance. I'm so limited in my sights and I'm fearful of not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Sustain me through my trials and burdens. Don't let my hand go. Thank you for Your forgiveness and grace and mercy. Guide me, forgive me, love me, and use me, despite my obvious shortcomings. Even in my lack of understanding and frail humanity, I love you, Dad.

The justice of immortality...

Ever feel the weight of seriousness pressing upon your soul?
It's like all the small stuff can no longer be in comparison.
It's as if the only important things, surrounding death, surface.
Somehow, you see and feel that burden of death beckoning.
You feel your immortality.
No, the small stuff just doesn't compare when facing our own immortality.
There was then, but now... now, there is just the here and now.
Are we ready to see what lies ahead?
I feel I know.
I feel I have a clue.
Death waits for no one.
That's the frightening thing.
It shall steal us from day, like a thief in the night.
Will we stand ready to defend ourselves with His armor?
Will He be our defender?
Or will He be our condemner?
Are we ready?

Dying Inside and Out

Death of those we care for and love deeply affects a lot of us. It comes with painful memories, loneliness, and questions. It also comes with a forgetfulness. We forget that this isn't what we were made for, this dying thing.

We weren't born to die. We were made to live, and live abundantly at that. Death wasn't part of the original plan. Pain wasn't part of the original plan. God made Adam and Eve in a beautiful garden and gave them a rich abundant life, physically and spiritually. Until sin and death entered the picture. Death and evil sought to take captive the very life of God's most sacred creation, us.

I've lost loved ones and close friends. I know the constant heart ache; the waves of crushing pain; the feeling of hating, despising, the world for continuing on without that person. But even with all that hurt and anguish, I can't let those emotions keep me from seeing God. I don't understand His ways. He says, "my ways are not your ways." I trust Him. I trust Him with my heart ache, with my doubts, with my seemingly unanswerable questions about His nature and evil. God tells me that one day, we will stop dying. One day, we won't hurt anymore. One day, we'll have answers. One day, we'll have true rest. One day, we will be restored to Eden.

It's too late for me to talk to the people in my life who have passed and didn't know God and Christ's sacrifice. But there are others in my life. There's now. I trust God will use my pain and experience to tell others the Truth. I pray He uses me wherever I am, despite my own shortcomings.

Our physical bodies will one day perish, but our souls will live on and have their truest desire. We'll get what we want in the end - an eternity with God or without Him. With Him, there is hope, love, and peace. Without Him, there is nothing but seeking that which you can no longer obtain - a relationship with God. What do you want?