A Holy Sunrise

The sun rose this morning, as it has every morning before it and as it shall every morning until the end of time. I sat in my favorite spot after work, as I have many mornings before, and I was given the blessing of watching the beautiful birth of light grow out of darkness. The sky was painted with stunning, elegant colors; the birds were flying so prettily within the light; and the sun rays broke over the few trees that were near me. It was such an astounding morning view. It took my breath away and I found my heart worshipping the Creator of the glory before me. It was at this moment that Yahweh felt the need to speak to me about my recent struggle with truly loving others.

This is for you, My Princess. This is an expression of My love for you. There's nothing I wouldn't do to show you that, Beloved.

-is silent-

Speak to me, My child. Speak to me of your heart.

Yahweh, You love me. You love me when I'm most unworthy and running from You. You've shown me the greatest expression of love through Jesus. So, what am I missing? If I am so loved by You, why do I find my love for others beyond lacking and shallow?

My Love, when you begin to see people as more than objects to be changed and fixed and begin to see them as the precious souls I sent My Son for, your love will change. Lead them to Me, let Me change their hearts (remember Pharaoh?) and heal them. But you, My Dear One, love them how they need it most. Stop waiting for opportunities to love when they are right in front of you, Beloved. Stop solely seeing their actions and see their souls.

-is silent again-

Child, what else troubles your heart?

Abba, sometimes I think I'm really right. Sometimes I think I know better than the ones I talk to. I get frustrated when they don't see as I do. I am sorry; I know this is my arrogance and pride airing themselves loudly, but that's how I feel.

Dear, truly loving others isn't about being right. It's not about you and it's not about expressing your own ideas of who I am. It's about leading them to Me and the life of eternal freedom I can give them. It's about bringing them to worship Me. Let Me show you: My Son and I are one. He is Me, and I, Him. He came to earth and instead of demanding His own way, He gave His life to serving others, out of love. He did this all the way up to My greatest expression of love for you, My Beloved - the cross. Look to My Son. By doing so, you'll see what it means to have a humble heart of servitude and love, Beloved.

I love You, Yahweh. Thank You for this. Thank You for Jesus. Thank You for forgiving me and loving me even when I'm so lost about so many things.

I then found myself wrapped in the warmth and colors of the enchanting Iraqi sunrise. It was like being hugged by God Himself. A soft wind passed over my face, as if to gently kiss my cheek. I felt more love bursting within me than I'd felt in so long. It was so beautiful and holy. I'm not perfect, but I'm loved wholly by the One who is.

This Heart Has Hope

This heart beats
with a faint sad beat.
This heart beats out
tears,
anguish,
despair,
loneliness,
and dwindling hope.
This heart beats for
a Light,
a promise of a better tomorrow,
the hope its sad self can still bring to so many,
a Love everlasting.
This heart has felt
so much
so quickly
but this heart,
it does not beat on its own.
The faint beating
is the sound of
the Creator
breathing new life
into this sad heart.

Eye Opener

I just realized something.
I knew God leading me to the desert would be a spiritual experience to behold. Many great men before me have gone into the desert and come out better for it. But these men are not sent to the desert without trials and temptations. They suffer in some way. Yet, all the while, they give thanks to God and find joy to shout His praises. Have I forgotten Who leads me so quickly? I've forgotten. I've failed miserably at withstanding temptations. I've fallen into sin, despair, and anguish, but of my own accord. I have been tried and found less than true. However, because of the sacrifice my Savior made for me, I am not doomed to be stuck here. I can be redeemed. I can be forgiven. I can get my heart back and it can be full again.

Satan has filled my head with lies. He lies when he says I am not loved. When he says I am alone. When he says that if I were to never exist, it wouldn't make a bit of difference to anyone. When he says to give in to whatever my body commands, to become my body's slave. When He says my God is a liar and fake and cannot save me. He lies!

Yahweh, save me. Open my eyes. Shield my heart. Hear my cries. Rescue me. Help me withstand temptation. Fill me with Your everlasting joy and unending love. Forgive me for what I've done and will do. Teach me what is right and how to march upon the path of righteousness. In my human frailty, I love You.

Love Covers All

All this time I have been thinking that I had God figured out. I thought He was the man who made the rules, I was the girl who always broke them, and then He was the man who hated me deeply until I could find a way to be perfect. I thought I was always doomed to disappoint Him, despite His insistence of that whole loving me thing. I was never going to be good enough. Ever.

Last night, it dawned on me how wrong I was. Yes, God hates sin, but He is also a loving, merciful, and justice-filled God who judges the heart and its intentions. He's also a God who is deeply in love (not hate) with His creation. His love is so foreign to us. Not even the most well-behaved person is deserving of His love and grace and mercy.

And yet... our God's heart is broken for our fallen selves. He longs for communion with us so much that He died for us, for me. My God loves me and His heart breaks every time I turn away from Him in my heart and actions, for He know I'm turning away from Love itself.

Knowing this, in this way, makes it easier to understand how He could forgive me and welcome me with opens when I run back to Him willingly.

"Since you are precious in My sight, since you are honored and I love you, I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life." -Isaiah 43:4

Everlasting God

I've often heard that the God of the New Testament is not the same as the God of the Old Testament. They say there is no way He is the same because of God's character throughout each. I always had trouble reconciling the two characters of God. Or what I thought was two separate characters. Then I read this verse:

Jesus then appeared, arriving at the Jordan River from Galilee. He wanted John to baptize him. John objected, "I'm the one who needs to be baptized, not you!" But Jesus insisted, "Do it. God's work, putting things right all these centuries, is coming together right now in this baptism." So John did it. - Matthew 3:13-15

After I read it, I realized a few things. First, I can't just take the word of those I deem as leaders. Even leaders can be wrong. I can't look to other humans to tell me what to think. I have to look to God and His infinite wisdom. If I don't, I'll be led quite astray.

Second thing was a recurrence of the theme that has been resounding throughout my life since I got to Kuwait: we are in a story far larger than we can see. It is beyond us. Jesus tells John "God's work, putting all things right all these centuries, is coming together right now in this baptism." We are a part of something so much grander. I find an almost surreal peace at the thought that all my suffering and the suffering of those around me has not been for naught. It does have purpose. In retrospect, some of it is easy to see, but some still, I must take it on faith alone that He has a plan.

The last thing I saw goes back to my opening paragraph and my second point, tying them together. If we are in a story, if God has these grand plans for us, if He is so much larger than us, and if we are limited in our finite knowledge, then how can we say that the God of Israel in the Old Testament is any different than the God the Father in the New Testament? How can we say we know what is truly loving? Horrible things were allowed to happen and God told armies to annihilate places, but maybe He has a higher developed sense of love and justice. How can we know for sure that they are so different? I don't think they're different. I think God is, was, and always will be the God that He started out to be. My God is everlasting. My God is the God of love.

Euphoria

I don't understand what is going on with me. I feel a complete inability to feel anything of a less than happy nature. I mean, it is not like I want to be sad or angry or anything like that, but that lack of being even capable of it seems to be a bit worrisome. Pain is how we know where we are inside ourselves. It gauges us. Maybe I feel none of that because I am so enthralled with being where I am. I really am happy here. I've never been so happy. I think the euphoria has ensnared me. I can't say I don't like it but I know that when the euphoric state deadens some, everything else will crash down upon me again. I think this is the calm before a storm. God, what are you doing?

Somewhere new

I just got to Kuwait City, Kuwait yesterday evening. I've never been to this part of the world so during the two hour ride from the air port I had a lot to take in and think about. These are my first initial thoughts upon entering the coutnry.

• The interstate type thing we drove on, I had no idea where it went to and from. It was just road and desert. It kind of made me think of life. What is the function and purpose of the roads we travel?


• The people around here, at least the younger ones, seem laid back. We were driving down what we Americans call an interstate and in the middle between the two opposing lanes of traffic flows is just sand. Several times while we rode, I saw people just chilling in that middle section. One group of young kids started a pick up game of soccer! A man was sitting and having a chat with a friend. Trucks were stopped, taking breaks and relaxing. It's stuff we would probably consider crazy and out of the ordinary but I like it. I like it a lot.


• I smiled at children in some cars as they passed us by and their eyes lit up. I don't really know what to make of that. Does it reflect what they think we normally think of them?


• I want to not only experience the geography and atmosphere, but also the culture and interact with the local nationals.


• I want to play soccer with the children.


• I'd tell the people of Christ even if the Army has already told me not to...


• I've never known desperation of the soul to where I thirst and hunger literally for God. I think I need to. I've known suffering but maybe there's a point to it. Maybe there's a wholeness that can come only from having suffered and finding such a desperation. If so, I have more suffering to do.


• I feel convinced even more that medical missions is what I should do. I feel more convicted to love the wounded souls and hurting people.


• I don't understand the true meaning of love, let alone what it means to love my enemies. God, help me.


• I don't know how I am supposed to feel but I am excited to be here. Excited to see outside the world I've always been in. Excited to see what God does with my heart. Excited to do our mission. I'm excited.


• I miss the landscape of Kentucky.


• The more I see and the more I think, the more it seems likely that America is kind of a brainwashed fool. Like a child that doesn't quite know right from wrong and up from down. America reminds me of Israel.


• We are all lost. I am probably among the most lost.


• It is easy to read about Jesus going to the desert for 40 days and nights in the Bible and think it is cool. But it wasn't until I saw this desert, similar to what He must have been in, that I realized how incredible it is that He could go so long without food, water, and all the while being tempted. That's crazy. He's incredible. It makes it real, being out here. Puts things into perspective.

So, that was what went on in my head during that two hour drive from the airport to the base we are at. And this is only the beginning. God's going to do great things in this desert.