Dear Cousin,

I remember when I was younger, you were one of my heros. You were my big, older cousin in the army that I could look up to. I admired you and your strength. I remember cherishing the times you were allowed away from post long enough to visit me. I loved the few conversations we got have about me maybe joining the army one day. I loved the stories you told me.

All those memories make it seem so unbelievable that you're gone now... at 35. Why, Cousin? Why did you do that? Why? What were you thinking!?! Didn't your wife and the kids matter? Do you see her broken heart? Do you see her pain? How could you leave her, the kids, all of us? You were so loved and cherished. So loved.

You made a horrible decision. You can't fix it this time. Sometimes I'm so angry at you for leaving like that. I'd like to hope you're in Heaven, but honestly, I don't know where you are. My anger can't change your death. It's been three months and I still miss you.

I still love you. My heart grieves for you and your wife and children.
May you rest in peace, my dear cousin.

Love,
Tiff

Where must we fix our thoughts

In Philippians 4:8 it says, "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."

If we are to do this, mustn't we know where to find such things to think upon?
If God is all of those things, and He reveals Himself to us through His Word and through Jesus, then perhaps those are the places to begin.

Sometimes I wonder if Christians know how serious it is to control what we think, myself included. God doesn't just want purity of body, but of mind and soul. We laugh at dirty jokes, watch movies with too much nudity and violence, and swear without a thought. We must take reign over thoughts. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 10:5 to "take every thought captive so that it is obedient to Christ."

God cares about what we think. He knows how important it is for us to control our thinking. We become what we think about.

The beginning of a more mature reconciliation of my younger rants of hatred toward God's apathy to us, to me.

There is something horrid, twisted, and corrupt in this life. There is something truly evil. It penetrates the sanctity of every life. There are things most will never speak of. Unthinkable horrors and injustices. There are rapes, murders, torture, genocides, suicides, beatings, drug use... It is endless.

Contrary to this, there are beautiful things. Truly, utterly, breathtakingly beautiful things. These things splash into our lives in sometimes the most unnoticed ways. There are sunrises, the birth of a child, tender kisses, gentle rain, smiles, nature... It, too, is endless.

How can such horror have such a reciprocal as beauty? How can the two coexist in the same earth?
This is how I believe it to be:

There was God in the beginning. He has a place called Heaven. There was an angel named Lucifer. He became greedy for the power God possessed. He wanted to be more than he was. He demanded God give him more. Eventually, God cast Lucifer out. Now evil had begun. Then God made the earth and all we see before us; the beauty in it all. Lucifer came. He hated God and what He had made and loved. He unleashed his evil into the world.

God didn't put evil into this world. He sought to make what was pure and righteous and holy and just; however, the evil one is jealous of what God created. He wants the devotion for himself.

The horrible things in this world are horrid distractions to keep us from the true beauty we could behold. In the midst of your horror and terror, no matter how unimaginable, seek Truth and true Beauty. Seek out restoration and healing and hope. This sounds so impossible to do, I know, but if you hurt so much, what have you to lose? Nothing. What have you to gain? Everything. It's worth a shot.

Psalm of my Heart

Oh God, Abba.
Why do I do it???
Why do I run from You so??
My whole self cries out to You!
It's Your forgiveness I seek.
I'm so sorry.
"Was it all worth it?"
I ask myself.
To no avail. The answer
Is a deafening and resounding "No!"
Please! God of mercy and love.
Please forgive me for nailing Your Son to the cross.
I know not what I do.
I am weak in my flesh.
Make me strong in You.
Father. There is no other hope, but You.
Without You, my life has no purpose.
I'm so sorry.
My soul cries out to You.
Forgive me, relieve me, please come back to my life.

Saved

30 January 2005. That's a day to remember. It's the day I gave full reign of my life to that Man I wasn't so sure about only months before. In fact, I didn't know anything about Him before that August. I'm grateful; that's an understatement.

I've been saved. I've been redeemed. I've been loved with an everlasting love so powerful, my life will never again be the same. I am completely different from who I used to be. Some will say that's just because I've grown older. Truth be told, I don't agree. Without Him in my life, to guide me and give me wisdom, I wouldn't have made most all of the decisions I've made since then. Sure, I've messed up, really bad even, but I feel there is a wise hand pointing me in a proper direction.

I don't care what you believe. I know, without a doubt, there is a God. I know He loves me. I know He has had His hands on me for a very long time. I know He's not leaving me. I know I'm forgiven and redeemed. I don't feel the need to prove what I know. I'll simply live with the confidence and wisdom He bestows upon me.

Yes, there's something quite different about me. Furthermore, there's something brooding within me. God is at work in me, six beautiful years later, and what He'll do with me is bound to be incredible.

I always thought six years was a long commitment, thinking about my time in the Army, but these years have flown by.

Yahweh, Abba. I praise You for the guidance you've given me over these six years. I thank You from all that is within me for raising me where my earthly parents failed. I thank You for showing me what is good, what is right, what is wise, what is pure, what is joyful. Even with my troubles and failures, You walk with me. My words will always fall short of the glory You deserve. Just know that all my being thanks You for literally saving me from the depths of despair and the gate of Hell itself. I love You, Abba.

A Haiku I Wrote =)

this night gives rise to
our journey above the rain
though there's always tears

My Redemption

I am marched through the town, up to Skull Place. On my back and shoulders I struggle to carry a large piece of wood. I am being punished for the mistakes I have made. All my years of running from my sin and shame have finally caught up with me.

I am so downtrodden in spirit and beaten in body that I do not have an ounce of energy to spare for fear of what is about to happen. I am about to be crucified along with countless others. We are marching to our ultimate end. There is no hope for us now. No one can save us. How could they? Why should they? We deserve this. This is our doing. My doing.

I stumble my way up to Golgotha with the others. The Roman soldiers place me along the road side with my cross. I will be a mockery for days to come. My death with be the joy of many. This is just now setting in. The Romans prepare my cross. They roughly throw me upon it, and tie me to it to ensure I do not try to escape. Then, they place the nails where they are to hold my dying body until my life is exhausted. Just as I realize I am about to die and the pain and shame I am about to endure in two seconds, a Man runs my way. The soldiers take their gazes from me and fix them upon this Man.

He summons the soldiers. Unbelievably, they go to Him. He speaks to them. I lie there, unable to leave because of the ropes securing me, half wanting to be as dead outside as I am inside, half wanting to be far away from here and alive. I look back toward the Man and soldiers. They are nodding their heads to Him.
He then leaves them and walks toward me.

Is He going to kill me? Why? Who is He? What is going on?

The Man comes up to my cross, kneels beside me, and begins to undo the knotted ropes. I stare at Him, not believing what is happening. In fact, I don't know what is happening. I'm completely dumbfounded. He goes around to all the ropes, untying each, all the while He has His eyes on me. These eyes aren't condemning. They're... loving? Yes, loving, compassionate, hopeful, alive, but there's also a hint of deep sadness.

After untying me, He gently scoops me up and puts me down near the crowd. He kisses my forehead, looks me deep in the eyes, and says, "You are forgiven in Me. I love you." I look up into His eyes, confused. What does that mean? How can I be forgiven after all I have done? The Man doesn't give me time to ask.

The next thing I know, the Man has turned from me and walked to my cross. To my bewilderment, He nods to the Roman soldiers, apparently indicating He is ready. They see no need to tie Him down, He won't leave. I finally see what is going on - He is going to take my place there. I begin to cry for the first time in all of this:

No! You can't! You have done nothing wrong! That is MY cross, my shame, my punishment. What are You doing?!

It does no good. It is too late. They nail Him and the blood pours forth from Him. The pick up His, no My, cross, and set it vertical. The whole time, He looks down at me, with a smile. Is this Man's blood on my hands now too? This is too much. I crumble where I stand and weep. I keep looking up at Him, crying. He speaks to my heart and says, "Your sorrow will turn to joy. I will see you again. Your heart will rejoice. You will find newness in Me." I don't know what He means. He is dying. How could I ever see Him again? He tells me to quiet my tears and wait for Him.

My agonized soul weighs so heavily that I cannot stand back up. I can only look up at this Man who just willingly took my place. I watched Him breathe is His last breath. My insides felt as though they might explode. I just let Him die for me. No, not let. I didn't let Him, He just... did it. For me.

Three days pass, my anguish never lessening, when I see this Man again. He promised He'd come back for me, and here He is before me. He comes part of the way to Me. He holds out His hand for me to come to Him and take it. Something within me protests, but I go anyway. As soon as I reach Him, He pulls me into His arms, kisses my forehead again, and looks down at me with those soul-reaching eyes. In this instant, all my fears, doubts, and questions are quieted. He has forgiven me and loves me wholly. He says to me, "I love you. You will be with Me in paradise, my Beloved."

He took my place. He loved me that much. But He didn't just die for me, He came back for me. Not just for me, but for a dying world.

"For God so loved the world, He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16