Does it matter?

It feels like I'll never understand anything. I'll never really know anything about God, love, people, relationships, family, philosophy... anything. I'll never really understand myself and where I fit in the world. And yet, I can't help but wonder, does the understanding really matter? We strive for a clear way for so much of our lives. We try so hard while running around in the dark. So... does it matter? I really don't know. To know if it matters, it seems I have to "understand" a multitude of other things about the Bible, humanity, etc. It's a continuous circle.

Maybe this is why some people do drugs... they come to this thought and find it circular and a tremendous pondering to unravel, so they go about their life, not understanding and not caring to anymore, all the while the drugs numb their pensive minds.

Let it rain! =)

Let my world crash.

Let it fall away and fall from underneath me.

Let everything go wrong.

Let misery strike me where I stand.

Let my heart break even more.

Let all these things happen and then some.

Why?

Because I am not alone.

Because it is not with my own strength that I stand.

Because with these hard times, Yahweh will be made known.

Because blessed are those who suffer.

Because as Christ suffered, so shall we.

What will I do when brokenness surrounds me?

I will shout Your praises!

I will run to You and hide in Your safety.

I will seek Your face.

I will give my heart to You.

I will love my enemy.

Yahweh, You are everything good.

You are everything beautiful.

You are everything!

You are the light.

You are wisdom.

You are righteous, great, and pure!

You are my glorious and reigning God!!

Let the world shake me.

You promised to never leave me

And I have come to know Your promises are Truth!!

Yahweh, come to this heart.

Fill it.

Make me less of me and more of You!

I love You, Yahweh.

I love You!

I can't hold back the tears tonight

Does your heart ache? Mine does. It feels like someone took a stake, placed it over my heart, and then rammed it into my chest with a sledge hammer. It's a physical ache, a real ache. Most days, God grants me peace and freedom from the pain, but there are other days, like today, where I feel it so deeply, it's as though I may die. It's a painful wound lying open and bare for anyone to see.

I can understand why God would have us not be together. I can understand why this may be for the best. But no amount of understanding can diminish my love for you. No matter how much you hurt me, I still love you.

I love you desperately and deeply. I thought you were the man I would marry. I thought I'd spend my life with you. I thought I'd share everything I had with you. I thought we'd figure out this life together. I thought we'd explore the world together. I thought you loved me as much as I did you. The thought of a life without you... it's almost unbearable.

I don't want anyone else. I want to love you. I want you. With every fiber of my being, I want you. I want your mistakes, your failures, your sadness, your laughter, your thoughts, yes even your talk of gadgets and the military.

You're kind and gentle and protective. You're loving and patient and compassionate. You act when you see things that need to be done. You're a leader, but you know how to follow. And even though you feel so lost about God, when you know He tells you something, you do it with passion. You're not perfect. You have your faults, but so do I.

I love you in a way I never believed was possible. I love you with everything within me. After 4 years of good times, bad times, hundreds of adventures, and long nights, that love is not returned. You were my best friend. I'd have waited for you forever. You were the one for me.

From my desolate heart to Your unyielding ears

Yahweh,

It's all I can do to utter Your name. My heart aches. My eldest brother's heart is hurting so deeply. He's in trouble and he's separated from nearly everything that means the most to him. Knowing he aches makes me shake with pain for him. As much as I'd love to take his heart ache onto myself, I know I cannot. So please, Abba, show him Your love. Speak his name. Let him know that no matter the outcome of this, You're there and he's not alone. I can't be there for my brother beyond my prayers, so please, hear my cries to You.

There's more. My heart aches for so much more. I struggle to forgive my other brother every day. You ask that we forgive as You have forgiven us. I no more deserve Your grace, love, and mercy than he does, and yet, I have it. Help me to forgive, to find Your love for him within myself, and to heal from the things that remind me of things past. He's broken too and in need of Your grace and mercy. Please, speak his name too. So many people do not like him and find him beyond help. He's not beyond you. So please, find a way to reach my brother. Move in his life. He needs You.

And still, there's more. It's been ten months since my cousin died. I know it has not been easy for his wife and children. It's been so hard and they've been so strong. I don't know how she does it honestly. Comfort her in the times it's the hardest. Catch her tears and quiet her soul. Be near to her. I still miss him, too. Every time I see an E-7 here, my heart sinks a little more with grief because that's the rank he was. I wish I'd gotten to say goodbye or just see him one more time. He is dearly missed, Yahweh, and those of us still here need Your comfort and eternal peace. I beg You to hear my cries to You.

Even more. My mother is anguish, too. She's still in the process of recovering from a major back surgery while dealing with everything going on with her children. But even more than that, she struggles with unforgiveness for herself. I think at times, it is crushing to her soul. She has no idea about the truth of Your love, grace, mercy, and sacrifice made in Christ. Show her Your truth. Teach her Your ways. Raise her in You as You have done with me. She never really had a father to guide her. She needs You to guide her through her life and the chaos within her. I think I forgive her, Abba, but I also think it is time she know Your forgiveness is of much greater value than mine. I can only pray that if she could really see You and Your mercy, she'd forgive herself for her mistakes. Chase her, Yahweh.

One last heart ache. My nana. Yahweh, my heart is truly in shambles for her. I miss her so much I can feel it in my core. She has not even left earth yet, but she will never be who she was. Yahweh, I miss who she was so much. I find myself in tears when I remember the day she forgot me. I find myself longing to run to her and have her remember everything. I want to ask her so many things I will now never know. I will never again know her hugs, or her kisses, or the warmth of her smile. I am so thankful she has had 88 years with us, as of yesterday. I pray that when she finally does leave us, it is swift and peaceful. I pray that you ease that sadness I know dwells within my eldest brother about her too. She is so loved and she isn't even capable of knowing it. Yahweh, watch over her, and if You can, let her know how much I love her and she means to me.

My family is going through so much right now Yahweh. I know that Your hands can work great things from the pain, as they have in my life many times.

Even though things are hard right now, I must still give You thanks and praises, for I know in the depths of my soul, You are here with me. I know You will never leave me. I know You are in control and for that I am so thankful. I'm thankful I woke up this morning. I'm thankful I have the body of Christ, the church, to support and pray for me. I'm thankful for the sunrises You show me every morning. I'm thankful for the peace You give my soul when it is a raging sea. I'm thankful for Jesus and His sacrifice for me so that I might know You and feel Your love for me so deeply.

Savior I come, quiet my soul. Remember. Redemptions hill, where Your blood was spilled. For my ransom. And everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss. Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to You. Oh, lead me, lead me to the cross.

This is my prayer, Father.

Love,

a daughter fighting the war within

Contemplations Before Bed

I tend to get into religious conversation with others quite often. I want to know what others believe, what opinion/objections/questions they may have of the faith I hold on to, and I want to know how others live out what they believe, whether that be belief in a deity or not. Recently, I have come across a few topics that many group together: predestination, free will, and the foreknowledge of God. I thought I knew what I thought about these things, but found I was relatively lost on the matters. Considering the time constraints I am under here, extensive research was rather limited; therefore, I had to resort to using what appears logical to me (though that in itself can be faulty) and looking into God’s Word. Here’s what I came up with.

1. Predestination: We are all predestined for Heaven. That’s why Christ died on the cross for us. We were designed for communion with Yahweh and to be in His presence.

Biblical examples:
• “This is how much God loved the world: He gave His Son, His one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in Him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life.” John 3:16 (The Message). – God Himself came down to earth in the flesh and took on all our sins so we could have a way to Him. He chooses all of us.
• “Out of sheer generosity, He put us in right standing with Himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we were in and restored us to where He always wanted us to be. And He did it by means of Jesus Christ.” Romans 3:24 (The Message). – He restored us to where He always wanted us to be, with Him. He gives this gift freely to any and all who will believe. He wants us all, desperately, passionately. He wants us all.

2. Freewill: God is all about love and relationship. He made us because love naturally creates. Since God is love, it is natural He would create us. He then did the loving thing of giving us a way to Him (predestining us to be with Him). However, because He loves, we get to choose how to respond to Him. We can choose a life with Him or a life without Him. That’s the relationship part – a relationship is what He desires of us. He did His part, now we get to choose how to respond to that. We could not truly love Him if we did not have freewill.

Biblical examples:
• A man stopped Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good things must I do to get eternal life?” Jesus said, “Why do you question me about what’s good? God is the One who is good. If you want to enter the life of God, just do what He tells you.” The man asked, “what in particular?” Jesus said, “Don’t murder, don’t commit adultery, don’t steal, don’t lie, honor your mother and father, and love your neighbor as yourself.” The young man said, “I’ve done all that. What’s left?” “If you want to give it all you’ve got,” Jesus replied, “go sell your possessions; give everything to the poor. All your wealth will then be in Heaven. Then come follow me.” That was the last thing the young man expected to hear. And so, crestfallen, he walked away. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and he couldn’t bear to let go. –Matthew 19: 16-22 (The Message). The young man was invited to follow God fully, but was given the choice to do so or not. He walked away from giving His life to Christ.
• “God sacrificed Jesus on the altar of the world to clear that world of sin. Having faith in him sets us in the clear. God decided on this course of action in full view of the public—to set the world in the clear with himself through the sacrifice of Jesus, finally taking care of the sins he had so patiently endured. This is not only clear, but it's now—this is current history! God sets things right. He also makes it possible for us to live in his rightness” Romans 3:26 (The Message). This really applies to the last topic and this one. The thing that stands out to me in this verse is the last sentence when it says “He also makes it possible for us to live in His rightness”. It just comes across as our choosing not being forced. It’s a possibility, but we get the choice.
• In Genesis 3:6, Adam and Eve make the detrimental choice to live apart from God by listening to the serpent. They were created whole and pure and in total communion with Yahweh, but still, He wanted them to be able to choose to love Him; He didn’t want robots. So He gave them but one command to obey – do not eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge. They chose not to obey, but the point is, they had the choice, the freewill to make that mistake.

3. Foreknowledge: Some people propose that God’s foreknowledge of things takes away from our ability to have freewill. I kind of see it as being likened to a chess match. Just because I know what move you will make does not really change the fact that you are going to make it. My knowledge has no consequence because it is just that – knowledge. This is not to say that God cannot prevent something from happening, or intervene, or cause things to be a certain way, but it is to say that His knowledge does not take away our freedom to choose how things will happen and the way we will live.

Biblical examples:
• “Think about this. Wrap your minds around it. This is serious business, rebels. Take it to heart. Remember your history, your long and rich history.
I am God, the only God you've had or ever will have— incomparable, irreplaceable—
From the very beginning telling you what the ending will be.
 All along letting you in on what is going to happen,
Assuring you, 'I'm in this for the long haul, I'll do exactly what I set out to do,'
Calling that eagle, Cyrus, out of the east, from a far country the man I chose to help me.
I've said it, and I'll most certainly do it. I've planned it, so it's as good as done.” Isaiah 46: 8-11 (The Message). Yahweh is, and has been from the beginning, in the process of making a beautiful story for all of us. A story of love, redemption, and hope. He knows the ending to our stories; to the story of humanity. He will let us make our choices, but He will use them for His glory and bringing about restoration of His creation to Himself.
• “For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.” 1 John 3:20 (The Message). God already knows who we are at our cores. He knows who where we come from, and who we will be.
• “Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you. The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.” Psalm 139:16 (The Message). Abba knows our lives ahead of time.

Each of these topics go far beyond this general outline of thinking, I’m well aware of that. I’m also quite aware that I could be totally wrong, but I’m content with knowing what I know. I trust Yahweh. My knowing the intricate workings of such concepts doesn’t really detract from anything in my life. These are merely ponderings many men have ruminated on long before I was ever born.