A million times I try.
I'll never capture the words of my heart.
I hear of the tragedy and tortures of this world. I know the life that I have lived. That my friends have lived.
All these horrors... I don't know how to react.
I have no desire to question You anymore. I trust You.
But that doesn't ease my constant brokenness.
I want to pray for this world.
But I want more too.
I know I could never fix the world. I could never reconcile us all to peace.
But I want to show peace and love to those stuck in the storm.
These injustices have to stop.
God. My heart really cries out to You tonight.
Children are crying, people are dying.
People starve. They have no homes.
Girls are forced into sex slavery.
Little boys forced into brutal civil wars.
I can't sleep tonight. Knowing things are so messed up.
And I'm here. In a warm, comfortable dorm room.
It's despicable. I hate it.
I want to sleep outside, walk with no shoes on, go days without food or clean water.
Just to catch a glimpse of the life so many of my fellow human beings endure every day of their lives.
I want to trade places with that little girl being raped tonight, so she can have a moment, a night, of peace and safety.
I want to take that little boys place so he doesn't have to kill another human and desensitize him to the value of life.
God. Couldn't just one of those suffering people have my life for a day?
Father, NEVER let this fire for the hurting and broken leave my soul. NEVER. Not for a moment. Let them be my reason for doing and giving 110% while I'm in nursing school. Let them be my focus for serving you. Please.
And, Dad, Please. Please, give them comfort tonight. Please. Give them a glimpse of hope. A shimmer of the sunshine beyond the storm. I can't do anything more from here than beg this of you.
Even though I don't understand, Adonai, I love you and thank You for the blessings you did give to me, so that I may in turn, serve You.
28 March 2011
15 March 2011
God in my life
I went for a drive tonight around my hometown. I ended up at a park. I sat there and all I could do was ponder the times I had clearly seen God in my life, the times He had truly revealed Himself to me in an all too real way. I thought of three particular instances.
The first revolved around the time I first became a Christian in 2005. God worked so quickly in my life and physically set me apart from the difficult situations I was plunged into. I didn't see it as a physical salvation at the time, but in retrospect His hands can be clearly seen pulling me from the wreckage of my former life.
I can't remember the time frame associated with the second time God made Himself known to me, but I distinctly remember the event. I was still wreaking the consequences of my past, both things I'd done and things done to me. Everyone in the house was asleep. Everything was silent. I found myself wanting to run away again. To get far from my mistakes and those who'd harmed me. Instead, I found myself curled into a ball, propped up against the stove in my parent's kitchen, crying in the dark. I had no idea what to do with myself. I needed a way out of my emotions, my past, my sin... I needed salvation. I was a Christian at this time, but so lost and confused about what that truly meant. I started to cry out to this God I had only recently begun to know. I begged Him from the depths of my soul to save me, to forgive me, to redeem me. I felt a pain so deep, so beyond the surface, I thought I might rip into two. I cried out to Him from my anguished soul for the help and relief I had heard He promised. In the midst of my sobbing and begging and praying, I heard a voice. It softly whispered my name, "Tiffany." Normally, such a thing would frighten me, but this voice did not. I looked around best I could in the dark, thinking maybe I had awaken someone. No one was there. Again I heard the voice, "Tiffany." Something within me felt I knew this voice. I didn't have name for it, but I knew I heard it, and I knew I wasn't going crazy. One final time I heard this voice, "Tiffany, it's okay," it soothed this time. I sat there, mesmerized. God was speaking to me. Not just to my soul, but to my ears. I had heard Him. I sat there for over an hour just in awe of His soothing voice. My soul was quieted, lighter, and full of a joy I had never known. My brokenness had been replaced. I always tried to rationalize that night, that voice, but I've never come up with anything but God to fulfill every aspect as I recall it. God is enough for me.
The last event is one I've posted about before - a man named Jack that I met. I never could forget Jack. Not since the summer night last summer. He's stayed with me. I've tried so hard to find him, but to no avail. God showed up that night in such an incredible way. I wonder if Jack was an angel, sent to test us. Maybe, maybe not. I recall dashing quickly to my parents house to grab the extra canned food and water bottles. We drove back to the downtown square area, not even 3 blocks from their home. We searched for over an hour, driving a mile in every direction. We just could not find Jack. If you'd seen the frail state he was in and the huge shopping cart he was pushing, you'd know how impossible it was that he would vanish so quickly. We have no idea what happened to him, but we are so thankful we got to pray with him and feed and clothe him with what little we had. It just blows my mind that he just disappeared liked that. I'll always remember that frail old man. I feel he blessed us more than we ever could him.
All this to say, even without the logical reasoning I have for my belief in God, I have my own testimony and experience of encounters with Him. My God is a powerful and saving God. I can't believe He finds me worth knowing and saving and loving. I could never fully express my feelings of gratitude about Him being in my life.
The first revolved around the time I first became a Christian in 2005. God worked so quickly in my life and physically set me apart from the difficult situations I was plunged into. I didn't see it as a physical salvation at the time, but in retrospect His hands can be clearly seen pulling me from the wreckage of my former life.
I can't remember the time frame associated with the second time God made Himself known to me, but I distinctly remember the event. I was still wreaking the consequences of my past, both things I'd done and things done to me. Everyone in the house was asleep. Everything was silent. I found myself wanting to run away again. To get far from my mistakes and those who'd harmed me. Instead, I found myself curled into a ball, propped up against the stove in my parent's kitchen, crying in the dark. I had no idea what to do with myself. I needed a way out of my emotions, my past, my sin... I needed salvation. I was a Christian at this time, but so lost and confused about what that truly meant. I started to cry out to this God I had only recently begun to know. I begged Him from the depths of my soul to save me, to forgive me, to redeem me. I felt a pain so deep, so beyond the surface, I thought I might rip into two. I cried out to Him from my anguished soul for the help and relief I had heard He promised. In the midst of my sobbing and begging and praying, I heard a voice. It softly whispered my name, "Tiffany." Normally, such a thing would frighten me, but this voice did not. I looked around best I could in the dark, thinking maybe I had awaken someone. No one was there. Again I heard the voice, "Tiffany." Something within me felt I knew this voice. I didn't have name for it, but I knew I heard it, and I knew I wasn't going crazy. One final time I heard this voice, "Tiffany, it's okay," it soothed this time. I sat there, mesmerized. God was speaking to me. Not just to my soul, but to my ears. I had heard Him. I sat there for over an hour just in awe of His soothing voice. My soul was quieted, lighter, and full of a joy I had never known. My brokenness had been replaced. I always tried to rationalize that night, that voice, but I've never come up with anything but God to fulfill every aspect as I recall it. God is enough for me.
The last event is one I've posted about before - a man named Jack that I met. I never could forget Jack. Not since the summer night last summer. He's stayed with me. I've tried so hard to find him, but to no avail. God showed up that night in such an incredible way. I wonder if Jack was an angel, sent to test us. Maybe, maybe not. I recall dashing quickly to my parents house to grab the extra canned food and water bottles. We drove back to the downtown square area, not even 3 blocks from their home. We searched for over an hour, driving a mile in every direction. We just could not find Jack. If you'd seen the frail state he was in and the huge shopping cart he was pushing, you'd know how impossible it was that he would vanish so quickly. We have no idea what happened to him, but we are so thankful we got to pray with him and feed and clothe him with what little we had. It just blows my mind that he just disappeared liked that. I'll always remember that frail old man. I feel he blessed us more than we ever could him.
All this to say, even without the logical reasoning I have for my belief in God, I have my own testimony and experience of encounters with Him. My God is a powerful and saving God. I can't believe He finds me worth knowing and saving and loving. I could never fully express my feelings of gratitude about Him being in my life.
08 March 2011
Dear Cousin,
I remember when I was younger, you were one of my heros. You were my big, older cousin in the army that I could look up to. I admired you and your strength. I remember cherishing the times you were allowed away from post long enough to visit me. I loved the few conversations we got have about me maybe joining the army one day. I loved the stories you told me.
All those memories make it seem so unbelievable that you're gone now... at 35. Why, Cousin? Why did you do that? Why? What were you thinking!?! Didn't your wife and the kids matter? Do you see her broken heart? Do you see her pain? How could you leave her, the kids, all of us? You were so loved and cherished. So loved.
You made a horrible decision. You can't fix it this time. Sometimes I'm so angry at you for leaving like that. I'd like to hope you're in Heaven, but honestly, I don't know where you are. My anger can't change your death. It's been three months and I still miss you.
I still love you. My heart grieves for you and your wife and children.
May you rest in peace, my dear cousin.
Love,
Tiff
I remember when I was younger, you were one of my heros. You were my big, older cousin in the army that I could look up to. I admired you and your strength. I remember cherishing the times you were allowed away from post long enough to visit me. I loved the few conversations we got have about me maybe joining the army one day. I loved the stories you told me.
All those memories make it seem so unbelievable that you're gone now... at 35. Why, Cousin? Why did you do that? Why? What were you thinking!?! Didn't your wife and the kids matter? Do you see her broken heart? Do you see her pain? How could you leave her, the kids, all of us? You were so loved and cherished. So loved.
You made a horrible decision. You can't fix it this time. Sometimes I'm so angry at you for leaving like that. I'd like to hope you're in Heaven, but honestly, I don't know where you are. My anger can't change your death. It's been three months and I still miss you.
I still love you. My heart grieves for you and your wife and children.
May you rest in peace, my dear cousin.
Love,
Tiff
07 February 2011
Where must we fix our thoughts
In Philippians 4:8 it says, "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."
If we are to do this, mustn't we know where to find such things to think upon?
If God is all of those things, and He reveals Himself to us through His Word and through Jesus, then perhaps those are the places to begin.
Sometimes I wonder if Christians know how serious it is to control what we think, myself included. God doesn't just want purity of body, but of mind and soul. We laugh at dirty jokes, watch movies with too much nudity and violence, and swear without a thought. We must take reign over thoughts. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 10:5 to "take every thought captive so that it is obedient to Christ."
God cares about what we think. He knows how important it is for us to control our thinking. We become what we think about.
If we are to do this, mustn't we know where to find such things to think upon?
If God is all of those things, and He reveals Himself to us through His Word and through Jesus, then perhaps those are the places to begin.
Sometimes I wonder if Christians know how serious it is to control what we think, myself included. God doesn't just want purity of body, but of mind and soul. We laugh at dirty jokes, watch movies with too much nudity and violence, and swear without a thought. We must take reign over thoughts. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 10:5 to "take every thought captive so that it is obedient to Christ."
God cares about what we think. He knows how important it is for us to control our thinking. We become what we think about.
06 February 2011
The beginning of a more mature reconciliation of my younger rants of hatred toward God's apathy to us, to me.
There is something horrid, twisted, and corrupt in this life. There is something truly evil. It penetrates the sanctity of every life. There are things most will never speak of. Unthinkable horrors and injustices. There are rapes, murders, torture, genocides, suicides, beatings, drug use... It is endless.
Contrary to this, there are beautiful things. Truly, utterly, breathtakingly beautiful things. These things splash into our lives in sometimes the most unnoticed ways. There are sunrises, the birth of a child, tender kisses, gentle rain, smiles, nature... It, too, is endless.
How can such horror have such a reciprocal as beauty? How can the two coexist in the same earth?
This is how I believe it to be:
There was God in the beginning. He has a place called Heaven. There was an angel named Lucifer. He became greedy for the power God possessed. He wanted to be more than he was. He demanded God give him more. Eventually, God cast Lucifer out. Now evil had begun. Then God made the earth and all we see before us; the beauty in it all. Lucifer came. He hated God and what He had made and loved. He unleashed his evil into the world.
God didn't put evil into this world. He sought to make what was pure and righteous and holy and just; however, the evil one is jealous of what God created. He wants the devotion for himself.
The horrible things in this world are horrid distractions to keep us from the true beauty we could behold. In the midst of your horror and terror, no matter how unimaginable, seek Truth and true Beauty. Seek out restoration and healing and hope. This sounds so impossible to do, I know, but if you hurt so much, what have you to lose? Nothing. What have you to gain? Everything. It's worth a shot.
Contrary to this, there are beautiful things. Truly, utterly, breathtakingly beautiful things. These things splash into our lives in sometimes the most unnoticed ways. There are sunrises, the birth of a child, tender kisses, gentle rain, smiles, nature... It, too, is endless.
How can such horror have such a reciprocal as beauty? How can the two coexist in the same earth?
This is how I believe it to be:
There was God in the beginning. He has a place called Heaven. There was an angel named Lucifer. He became greedy for the power God possessed. He wanted to be more than he was. He demanded God give him more. Eventually, God cast Lucifer out. Now evil had begun. Then God made the earth and all we see before us; the beauty in it all. Lucifer came. He hated God and what He had made and loved. He unleashed his evil into the world.
God didn't put evil into this world. He sought to make what was pure and righteous and holy and just; however, the evil one is jealous of what God created. He wants the devotion for himself.
The horrible things in this world are horrid distractions to keep us from the true beauty we could behold. In the midst of your horror and terror, no matter how unimaginable, seek Truth and true Beauty. Seek out restoration and healing and hope. This sounds so impossible to do, I know, but if you hurt so much, what have you to lose? Nothing. What have you to gain? Everything. It's worth a shot.
03 February 2011
Psalm of my Heart
Oh God, Abba.
Why do I do it???
Why do I run from You so??
My whole self cries out to You!
It's Your forgiveness I seek.
I'm so sorry.
"Was it all worth it?"
I ask myself.
To no avail. The answer
Is a deafening and resounding "No!"
Please! God of mercy and love.
Please forgive me for nailing Your Son to the cross.
I know not what I do.
I am weak in my flesh.
Make me strong in You.
Father. There is no other hope, but You.
Without You, my life has no purpose.
I'm so sorry.
My soul cries out to You.
Forgive me, relieve me, please come back to my life.
Why do I do it???
Why do I run from You so??
My whole self cries out to You!
It's Your forgiveness I seek.
I'm so sorry.
"Was it all worth it?"
I ask myself.
To no avail. The answer
Is a deafening and resounding "No!"
Please! God of mercy and love.
Please forgive me for nailing Your Son to the cross.
I know not what I do.
I am weak in my flesh.
Make me strong in You.
Father. There is no other hope, but You.
Without You, my life has no purpose.
I'm so sorry.
My soul cries out to You.
Forgive me, relieve me, please come back to my life.
30 January 2011
Saved
30 January 2005. That's a day to remember. It's the day I gave full reign of my life to that Man I wasn't so sure about only months before. In fact, I didn't know anything about Him before that August. I'm grateful; that's an understatement.
I've been saved. I've been redeemed. I've been loved with an everlasting love so powerful, my life will never again be the same. I am completely different from who I used to be. Some will say that's just because I've grown older. Truth be told, I don't agree. Without Him in my life, to guide me and give me wisdom, I wouldn't have made most all of the decisions I've made since then. Sure, I've messed up, really bad even, but I feel there is a wise hand pointing me in a proper direction.
I don't care what you believe. I know, without a doubt, there is a God. I know He loves me. I know He has had His hands on me for a very long time. I know He's not leaving me. I know I'm forgiven and redeemed. I don't feel the need to prove what I know. I'll simply live with the confidence and wisdom He bestows upon me.
Yes, there's something quite different about me. Furthermore, there's something brooding within me. God is at work in me, six beautiful years later, and what He'll do with me is bound to be incredible.
I always thought six years was a long commitment, thinking about my time in the Army, but these years have flown by.
Yahweh, Abba. I praise You for the guidance you've given me over these six years. I thank You from all that is within me for raising me where my earthly parents failed. I thank You for showing me what is good, what is right, what is wise, what is pure, what is joyful. Even with my troubles and failures, You walk with me. My words will always fall short of the glory You deserve. Just know that all my being thanks You for literally saving me from the depths of despair and the gate of Hell itself. I love You, Abba.
I've been saved. I've been redeemed. I've been loved with an everlasting love so powerful, my life will never again be the same. I am completely different from who I used to be. Some will say that's just because I've grown older. Truth be told, I don't agree. Without Him in my life, to guide me and give me wisdom, I wouldn't have made most all of the decisions I've made since then. Sure, I've messed up, really bad even, but I feel there is a wise hand pointing me in a proper direction.
I don't care what you believe. I know, without a doubt, there is a God. I know He loves me. I know He has had His hands on me for a very long time. I know He's not leaving me. I know I'm forgiven and redeemed. I don't feel the need to prove what I know. I'll simply live with the confidence and wisdom He bestows upon me.
Yes, there's something quite different about me. Furthermore, there's something brooding within me. God is at work in me, six beautiful years later, and what He'll do with me is bound to be incredible.
I always thought six years was a long commitment, thinking about my time in the Army, but these years have flown by.
Yahweh, Abba. I praise You for the guidance you've given me over these six years. I thank You from all that is within me for raising me where my earthly parents failed. I thank You for showing me what is good, what is right, what is wise, what is pure, what is joyful. Even with my troubles and failures, You walk with me. My words will always fall short of the glory You deserve. Just know that all my being thanks You for literally saving me from the depths of despair and the gate of Hell itself. I love You, Abba.
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