Oh God, Abba.
Why do I do it???
Why do I run from You so??
My whole self cries out to You!
It's Your forgiveness I seek.
I'm so sorry.
"Was it all worth it?"
I ask myself.
To no avail. The answer
Is a deafening and resounding "No!"
Please! God of mercy and love.
Please forgive me for nailing Your Son to the cross.
I know not what I do.
I am weak in my flesh.
Make me strong in You.
Father. There is no other hope, but You.
Without You, my life has no purpose.
I'm so sorry.
My soul cries out to You.
Forgive me, relieve me, please come back to my life.
03 February 2011
30 January 2011
Saved
30 January 2005. That's a day to remember. It's the day I gave full reign of my life to that Man I wasn't so sure about only months before. In fact, I didn't know anything about Him before that August. I'm grateful; that's an understatement.
I've been saved. I've been redeemed. I've been loved with an everlasting love so powerful, my life will never again be the same. I am completely different from who I used to be. Some will say that's just because I've grown older. Truth be told, I don't agree. Without Him in my life, to guide me and give me wisdom, I wouldn't have made most all of the decisions I've made since then. Sure, I've messed up, really bad even, but I feel there is a wise hand pointing me in a proper direction.
I don't care what you believe. I know, without a doubt, there is a God. I know He loves me. I know He has had His hands on me for a very long time. I know He's not leaving me. I know I'm forgiven and redeemed. I don't feel the need to prove what I know. I'll simply live with the confidence and wisdom He bestows upon me.
Yes, there's something quite different about me. Furthermore, there's something brooding within me. God is at work in me, six beautiful years later, and what He'll do with me is bound to be incredible.
I always thought six years was a long commitment, thinking about my time in the Army, but these years have flown by.
Yahweh, Abba. I praise You for the guidance you've given me over these six years. I thank You from all that is within me for raising me where my earthly parents failed. I thank You for showing me what is good, what is right, what is wise, what is pure, what is joyful. Even with my troubles and failures, You walk with me. My words will always fall short of the glory You deserve. Just know that all my being thanks You for literally saving me from the depths of despair and the gate of Hell itself. I love You, Abba.
I've been saved. I've been redeemed. I've been loved with an everlasting love so powerful, my life will never again be the same. I am completely different from who I used to be. Some will say that's just because I've grown older. Truth be told, I don't agree. Without Him in my life, to guide me and give me wisdom, I wouldn't have made most all of the decisions I've made since then. Sure, I've messed up, really bad even, but I feel there is a wise hand pointing me in a proper direction.
I don't care what you believe. I know, without a doubt, there is a God. I know He loves me. I know He has had His hands on me for a very long time. I know He's not leaving me. I know I'm forgiven and redeemed. I don't feel the need to prove what I know. I'll simply live with the confidence and wisdom He bestows upon me.
Yes, there's something quite different about me. Furthermore, there's something brooding within me. God is at work in me, six beautiful years later, and what He'll do with me is bound to be incredible.
I always thought six years was a long commitment, thinking about my time in the Army, but these years have flown by.
Yahweh, Abba. I praise You for the guidance you've given me over these six years. I thank You from all that is within me for raising me where my earthly parents failed. I thank You for showing me what is good, what is right, what is wise, what is pure, what is joyful. Even with my troubles and failures, You walk with me. My words will always fall short of the glory You deserve. Just know that all my being thanks You for literally saving me from the depths of despair and the gate of Hell itself. I love You, Abba.
24 January 2011
23 January 2011
My Redemption
I am marched through the town, up to Skull Place. On my back and shoulders I struggle to carry a large piece of wood. I am being punished for the mistakes I have made. All my years of running from my sin and shame have finally caught up with me.
I am so downtrodden in spirit and beaten in body that I do not have an ounce of energy to spare for fear of what is about to happen. I am about to be crucified along with countless others. We are marching to our ultimate end. There is no hope for us now. No one can save us. How could they? Why should they? We deserve this. This is our doing. My doing.
I stumble my way up to Golgotha with the others. The Roman soldiers place me along the road side with my cross. I will be a mockery for days to come. My death with be the joy of many. This is just now setting in. The Romans prepare my cross. They roughly throw me upon it, and tie me to it to ensure I do not try to escape. Then, they place the nails where they are to hold my dying body until my life is exhausted. Just as I realize I am about to die and the pain and shame I am about to endure in two seconds, a Man runs my way. The soldiers take their gazes from me and fix them upon this Man.
He summons the soldiers. Unbelievably, they go to Him. He speaks to them. I lie there, unable to leave because of the ropes securing me, half wanting to be as dead outside as I am inside, half wanting to be far away from here and alive. I look back toward the Man and soldiers. They are nodding their heads to Him.
He then leaves them and walks toward me.
Is He going to kill me? Why? Who is He? What is going on?
The Man comes up to my cross, kneels beside me, and begins to undo the knotted ropes. I stare at Him, not believing what is happening. In fact, I don't know what is happening. I'm completely dumbfounded. He goes around to all the ropes, untying each, all the while He has His eyes on me. These eyes aren't condemning. They're... loving? Yes, loving, compassionate, hopeful, alive, but there's also a hint of deep sadness.
After untying me, He gently scoops me up and puts me down near the crowd. He kisses my forehead, looks me deep in the eyes, and says, "You are forgiven in Me. I love you." I look up into His eyes, confused. What does that mean? How can I be forgiven after all I have done? The Man doesn't give me time to ask.
The next thing I know, the Man has turned from me and walked to my cross. To my bewilderment, He nods to the Roman soldiers, apparently indicating He is ready. They see no need to tie Him down, He won't leave. I finally see what is going on - He is going to take my place there. I begin to cry for the first time in all of this:
No! You can't! You have done nothing wrong! That is MY cross, my shame, my punishment. What are You doing?!
It does no good. It is too late. They nail Him and the blood pours forth from Him. The pick up His, no My, cross, and set it vertical. The whole time, He looks down at me, with a smile. Is this Man's blood on my hands now too? This is too much. I crumble where I stand and weep. I keep looking up at Him, crying. He speaks to my heart and says, "Your sorrow will turn to joy. I will see you again. Your heart will rejoice. You will find newness in Me." I don't know what He means. He is dying. How could I ever see Him again? He tells me to quiet my tears and wait for Him.
My agonized soul weighs so heavily that I cannot stand back up. I can only look up at this Man who just willingly took my place. I watched Him breathe is His last breath. My insides felt as though they might explode. I just let Him die for me. No, not let. I didn't let Him, He just... did it. For me.
Three days pass, my anguish never lessening, when I see this Man again. He promised He'd come back for me, and here He is before me. He comes part of the way to Me. He holds out His hand for me to come to Him and take it. Something within me protests, but I go anyway. As soon as I reach Him, He pulls me into His arms, kisses my forehead again, and looks down at me with those soul-reaching eyes. In this instant, all my fears, doubts, and questions are quieted. He has forgiven me and loves me wholly. He says to me, "I love you. You will be with Me in paradise, my Beloved."
He took my place. He loved me that much. But He didn't just die for me, He came back for me. Not just for me, but for a dying world.
"For God so loved the world, He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16
I am so downtrodden in spirit and beaten in body that I do not have an ounce of energy to spare for fear of what is about to happen. I am about to be crucified along with countless others. We are marching to our ultimate end. There is no hope for us now. No one can save us. How could they? Why should they? We deserve this. This is our doing. My doing.
I stumble my way up to Golgotha with the others. The Roman soldiers place me along the road side with my cross. I will be a mockery for days to come. My death with be the joy of many. This is just now setting in. The Romans prepare my cross. They roughly throw me upon it, and tie me to it to ensure I do not try to escape. Then, they place the nails where they are to hold my dying body until my life is exhausted. Just as I realize I am about to die and the pain and shame I am about to endure in two seconds, a Man runs my way. The soldiers take their gazes from me and fix them upon this Man.
He summons the soldiers. Unbelievably, they go to Him. He speaks to them. I lie there, unable to leave because of the ropes securing me, half wanting to be as dead outside as I am inside, half wanting to be far away from here and alive. I look back toward the Man and soldiers. They are nodding their heads to Him.
He then leaves them and walks toward me.
Is He going to kill me? Why? Who is He? What is going on?
The Man comes up to my cross, kneels beside me, and begins to undo the knotted ropes. I stare at Him, not believing what is happening. In fact, I don't know what is happening. I'm completely dumbfounded. He goes around to all the ropes, untying each, all the while He has His eyes on me. These eyes aren't condemning. They're... loving? Yes, loving, compassionate, hopeful, alive, but there's also a hint of deep sadness.
After untying me, He gently scoops me up and puts me down near the crowd. He kisses my forehead, looks me deep in the eyes, and says, "You are forgiven in Me. I love you." I look up into His eyes, confused. What does that mean? How can I be forgiven after all I have done? The Man doesn't give me time to ask.
The next thing I know, the Man has turned from me and walked to my cross. To my bewilderment, He nods to the Roman soldiers, apparently indicating He is ready. They see no need to tie Him down, He won't leave. I finally see what is going on - He is going to take my place there. I begin to cry for the first time in all of this:
No! You can't! You have done nothing wrong! That is MY cross, my shame, my punishment. What are You doing?!
It does no good. It is too late. They nail Him and the blood pours forth from Him. The pick up His, no My, cross, and set it vertical. The whole time, He looks down at me, with a smile. Is this Man's blood on my hands now too? This is too much. I crumble where I stand and weep. I keep looking up at Him, crying. He speaks to my heart and says, "Your sorrow will turn to joy. I will see you again. Your heart will rejoice. You will find newness in Me." I don't know what He means. He is dying. How could I ever see Him again? He tells me to quiet my tears and wait for Him.
My agonized soul weighs so heavily that I cannot stand back up. I can only look up at this Man who just willingly took my place. I watched Him breathe is His last breath. My insides felt as though they might explode. I just let Him die for me. No, not let. I didn't let Him, He just... did it. For me.
Three days pass, my anguish never lessening, when I see this Man again. He promised He'd come back for me, and here He is before me. He comes part of the way to Me. He holds out His hand for me to come to Him and take it. Something within me protests, but I go anyway. As soon as I reach Him, He pulls me into His arms, kisses my forehead again, and looks down at me with those soul-reaching eyes. In this instant, all my fears, doubts, and questions are quieted. He has forgiven me and loves me wholly. He says to me, "I love you. You will be with Me in paradise, my Beloved."
He took my place. He loved me that much. But He didn't just die for me, He came back for me. Not just for me, but for a dying world.
"For God so loved the world, He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16
18 July 2010
Redeemed Love
Love changes you. I'm not speaking merely of that superficial crap they call love these days. No, I mean the deep stuff. The stuff that can only come from a God-fearing soul. It has a way of mending the soul, soothing our beasts, and motivating us to act in bold and courageous ways.
I read this book, Redeeming Love, and the man in it named Michael Hosea gives a brilliant and vivid image of God's love for us. This man's love for his seemingly broken-beyond-repair wife is so moving and beautiful that it actually provokes tears to fall from my eyes. The incredible thing is, that's barely even a glimpse into the love that God has for us.
I feel unworthy of God's love, I feel distant from God, I feel too used and broken to even speak His name at times. But love covers all. It redeems. It heals. It forgives. It makes clean. I don't know what some churches are smoking when they only preach about the end of time or just the cross itself without the resurrection... but there's more. There's redemption, there's hope, and above all, there's love. A beautiful love that, like that story I mentioned, will bring tears to your eyes.
To many, this love seems far-fetched and unobtainable. Many will deny such a love exists. Still others may acknowledge it, but then deny they could ever have such a love. Contrary to both, that Love exists and will penetrate to the darkest of places if given the chance. Furthermore, it's available for anyone who seeks it.
I am redeemed. I am forgiven. I am loved.
"Listen to the Lord, O Israel, the one who formed you says, 'Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are Mine... Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you." Isaiah 43:1, 4
I read this book, Redeeming Love, and the man in it named Michael Hosea gives a brilliant and vivid image of God's love for us. This man's love for his seemingly broken-beyond-repair wife is so moving and beautiful that it actually provokes tears to fall from my eyes. The incredible thing is, that's barely even a glimpse into the love that God has for us.
I feel unworthy of God's love, I feel distant from God, I feel too used and broken to even speak His name at times. But love covers all. It redeems. It heals. It forgives. It makes clean. I don't know what some churches are smoking when they only preach about the end of time or just the cross itself without the resurrection... but there's more. There's redemption, there's hope, and above all, there's love. A beautiful love that, like that story I mentioned, will bring tears to your eyes.
To many, this love seems far-fetched and unobtainable. Many will deny such a love exists. Still others may acknowledge it, but then deny they could ever have such a love. Contrary to both, that Love exists and will penetrate to the darkest of places if given the chance. Furthermore, it's available for anyone who seeks it.
I am redeemed. I am forgiven. I am loved.
"Listen to the Lord, O Israel, the one who formed you says, 'Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are Mine... Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you." Isaiah 43:1, 4
15 July 2010
"You are God's critic, but do you have the answers?" Job 40:2
I have several friends right now going through some tough things and unimaginable pain. A few of them, who do believe in God or something like Him, have come to a conclusion: that God does not intervene in our lives; He doesn't care. I thought about this a while and the more I thought, the more their conclusions seemed unlikely.
I'm a believer in the validity of the Bible so that's where I went to seek some sort of guidance on the matter. Here's what I found.
All throughout the old testament, God intervenes for Israel. He saves them, spares them, rebukes them, calls to them, redeems them. A couple examples of God's intervention in the OT:
In 1 Samuel 8:19-21 the people of Israel cried out for a king. God knew they didn't need a king, but for several reasons, obliged the great nation of Israel.
In Hosea, the entire book, God is actively pursuing the heart of Israel. In 2:14, He states that He will "win her back. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." A god who doesn't care enough to intervene surely wouldn't try to win back the hearts of His people.
After flipping around the OT a bit, it seemed necessary to likewise look into the new testament. I didn't have to go far. Jesus is God's son. He is God in the flesh. If these two statements are true, then Jesus is someone we can look to so as to see a representation of God in all aspects, including how He intercedes in our lives.
In Matthew 8:2-3, a man with a skin disease comes up to Jesus and asks Him to make him clean (or cure him, in our terms). The man asks, adding on "if you're willing" and Jesus replies that He would indeed heal the man. He didn't have to, but the mans simple asking in faith and assurance alone prompted Jesus' healing.
A bit further down in Matthew 8:5-9 & 13, a soldier walks up to Jesus asks Him to heal his dying servant at home. Like the previous man, he came to Jesus with and asked with faith and assurance in Him. In verse 13, we're told the soldier's servant is healed.
There's another example of this in 8:14-18, with Peter's mother-in-law and others. And then again in 8:23-27 where Jesus intervened in a severe storm. The gospels are filled with this sort of stuff, as if Jesus' crucifixion weren't enough proof of God's intervention.
There are a couple things I noticed about almost all of these examples, Old and New Testament alike. First, God/Jesus intervened when asked to by mere humans. He had the power, authority, and right to deny all requests but for reasons known to Him, granted the requests.
Another commonality between those times when asked to intervene is that those who asked, they asked in faith. They didn't question the logistics of such a requests, they didn't hesitate to approach God, instead they asked for what they thought they needed at the time. While God can deny us sometimes, it doesn't mean He always will.
Finally, I notice is that God doesn't always wait for us to ask before He intervenes. Sometimes He knows best, like with Israel in Hosea, and we can't understand it, but He is there in the midst of it all. Israel was perfectly content, most of the time, with doing things their way with no input from God, but out of love, God did what was best.
God owes us nothing, but He gave us everything. He cares. He's here. He can't "not" be.
I'm a believer in the validity of the Bible so that's where I went to seek some sort of guidance on the matter. Here's what I found.
All throughout the old testament, God intervenes for Israel. He saves them, spares them, rebukes them, calls to them, redeems them. A couple examples of God's intervention in the OT:
In 1 Samuel 8:19-21 the people of Israel cried out for a king. God knew they didn't need a king, but for several reasons, obliged the great nation of Israel.
In Hosea, the entire book, God is actively pursuing the heart of Israel. In 2:14, He states that He will "win her back. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." A god who doesn't care enough to intervene surely wouldn't try to win back the hearts of His people.
After flipping around the OT a bit, it seemed necessary to likewise look into the new testament. I didn't have to go far. Jesus is God's son. He is God in the flesh. If these two statements are true, then Jesus is someone we can look to so as to see a representation of God in all aspects, including how He intercedes in our lives.
In Matthew 8:2-3, a man with a skin disease comes up to Jesus and asks Him to make him clean (or cure him, in our terms). The man asks, adding on "if you're willing" and Jesus replies that He would indeed heal the man. He didn't have to, but the mans simple asking in faith and assurance alone prompted Jesus' healing.
A bit further down in Matthew 8:5-9 & 13, a soldier walks up to Jesus asks Him to heal his dying servant at home. Like the previous man, he came to Jesus with and asked with faith and assurance in Him. In verse 13, we're told the soldier's servant is healed.
There's another example of this in 8:14-18, with Peter's mother-in-law and others. And then again in 8:23-27 where Jesus intervened in a severe storm. The gospels are filled with this sort of stuff, as if Jesus' crucifixion weren't enough proof of God's intervention.
There are a couple things I noticed about almost all of these examples, Old and New Testament alike. First, God/Jesus intervened when asked to by mere humans. He had the power, authority, and right to deny all requests but for reasons known to Him, granted the requests.
Another commonality between those times when asked to intervene is that those who asked, they asked in faith. They didn't question the logistics of such a requests, they didn't hesitate to approach God, instead they asked for what they thought they needed at the time. While God can deny us sometimes, it doesn't mean He always will.
Finally, I notice is that God doesn't always wait for us to ask before He intervenes. Sometimes He knows best, like with Israel in Hosea, and we can't understand it, but He is there in the midst of it all. Israel was perfectly content, most of the time, with doing things their way with no input from God, but out of love, God did what was best.
God owes us nothing, but He gave us everything. He cares. He's here. He can't "not" be.
06 July 2010
Freedom or Not
I've been asked "What is freedom?" and to that I have come up an answer. I've been asked "Does responsibility come with freedom?" and again, I came up with some answer off the top of my head. I've asked myself recently "Are we ever really free?" and I'm going to try to find an answer now.
Contrary to many people, I am not so sure we ever really have freedom (but I am thinking this through as I type so perhaps my thought will change). The way I see it is: we're all a slave, or bound, by something. For Christians, it is Christ. For other religions, it is the moral code or deity. For non-believers, or anyone else riding the fence, aren't they still bound by things? I'd think so. Maybe it's pride, vengeance, anger, sex, love, other material things... etc.
So is there freedom? The definition of the word is: the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved. However, by my thought above, are we not all the very opposite of that? Looks that way to me. You can say you're free to do whatever you want, but it seems like you're, we're, still bound by something.
Hmm, all right, maybe we have to be bound by something. Maybe that's just the way humans are? Perhaps. Or maybe, by being bound by something we can find some sort of freedom? That freedom that we all seem to desperately seek. That seems a more probable thought.
Let me take my faith for a test ride here: I believe in God, Christ, the Holy Spirit, and in the truth of the Bible. The Bible, God's Word, is truth; truth is said to set one free. By choosing to bind myself to the law of Love found within the Bible, accepting the Holy Spirit, and following Christ's example, I may be bound to those things but because it is truth, I am free.
Okay then. So can I say that we can be free but only as Christians? Do other things bring freedom when bound to them? -shrugs- I dunno, does anything else say, and prove, that it can provide freedom in such a way as the truth and love of Christ? Beats me.
I am quite aware that this thought process begets many more questions that must be answered for a full understanding of any answer to my primary question and perhaps in time I will have a more thorough understanding of the concept at hand in some sort of entirety.
Contrary to many people, I am not so sure we ever really have freedom (but I am thinking this through as I type so perhaps my thought will change). The way I see it is: we're all a slave, or bound, by something. For Christians, it is Christ. For other religions, it is the moral code or deity. For non-believers, or anyone else riding the fence, aren't they still bound by things? I'd think so. Maybe it's pride, vengeance, anger, sex, love, other material things... etc.
So is there freedom? The definition of the word is: the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved. However, by my thought above, are we not all the very opposite of that? Looks that way to me. You can say you're free to do whatever you want, but it seems like you're, we're, still bound by something.
Hmm, all right, maybe we have to be bound by something. Maybe that's just the way humans are? Perhaps. Or maybe, by being bound by something we can find some sort of freedom? That freedom that we all seem to desperately seek. That seems a more probable thought.
Let me take my faith for a test ride here: I believe in God, Christ, the Holy Spirit, and in the truth of the Bible. The Bible, God's Word, is truth; truth is said to set one free. By choosing to bind myself to the law of Love found within the Bible, accepting the Holy Spirit, and following Christ's example, I may be bound to those things but because it is truth, I am free.
Okay then. So can I say that we can be free but only as Christians? Do other things bring freedom when bound to them? -shrugs- I dunno, does anything else say, and prove, that it can provide freedom in such a way as the truth and love of Christ? Beats me.
I am quite aware that this thought process begets many more questions that must be answered for a full understanding of any answer to my primary question and perhaps in time I will have a more thorough understanding of the concept at hand in some sort of entirety.
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