Love Covers All

All this time I have been thinking that I had God figured out. I thought He was the man who made the rules, I was the girl who always broke them, and then He was the man who hated me deeply until I could find a way to be perfect. I thought I was always doomed to disappoint Him, despite His insistence of that whole loving me thing. I was never going to be good enough. Ever.

Last night, it dawned on me how wrong I was. Yes, God hates sin, but He is also a loving, merciful, and justice-filled God who judges the heart and its intentions. He's also a God who is deeply in love (not hate) with His creation. His love is so foreign to us. Not even the most well-behaved person is deserving of His love and grace and mercy.

And yet... our God's heart is broken for our fallen selves. He longs for communion with us so much that He died for us, for me. My God loves me and His heart breaks every time I turn away from Him in my heart and actions, for He know I'm turning away from Love itself.

Knowing this, in this way, makes it easier to understand how He could forgive me and welcome me with opens when I run back to Him willingly.

"Since you are precious in My sight, since you are honored and I love you, I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life." -Isaiah 43:4

Everlasting God

I've often heard that the God of the New Testament is not the same as the God of the Old Testament. They say there is no way He is the same because of God's character throughout each. I always had trouble reconciling the two characters of God. Or what I thought was two separate characters. Then I read this verse:

Jesus then appeared, arriving at the Jordan River from Galilee. He wanted John to baptize him. John objected, "I'm the one who needs to be baptized, not you!" But Jesus insisted, "Do it. God's work, putting things right all these centuries, is coming together right now in this baptism." So John did it. - Matthew 3:13-15

After I read it, I realized a few things. First, I can't just take the word of those I deem as leaders. Even leaders can be wrong. I can't look to other humans to tell me what to think. I have to look to God and His infinite wisdom. If I don't, I'll be led quite astray.

Second thing was a recurrence of the theme that has been resounding throughout my life since I got to Kuwait: we are in a story far larger than we can see. It is beyond us. Jesus tells John "God's work, putting all things right all these centuries, is coming together right now in this baptism." We are a part of something so much grander. I find an almost surreal peace at the thought that all my suffering and the suffering of those around me has not been for naught. It does have purpose. In retrospect, some of it is easy to see, but some still, I must take it on faith alone that He has a plan.

The last thing I saw goes back to my opening paragraph and my second point, tying them together. If we are in a story, if God has these grand plans for us, if He is so much larger than us, and if we are limited in our finite knowledge, then how can we say that the God of Israel in the Old Testament is any different than the God the Father in the New Testament? How can we say we know what is truly loving? Horrible things were allowed to happen and God told armies to annihilate places, but maybe He has a higher developed sense of love and justice. How can we know for sure that they are so different? I don't think they're different. I think God is, was, and always will be the God that He started out to be. My God is everlasting. My God is the God of love.

Euphoria

I don't understand what is going on with me. I feel a complete inability to feel anything of a less than happy nature. I mean, it is not like I want to be sad or angry or anything like that, but that lack of being even capable of it seems to be a bit worrisome. Pain is how we know where we are inside ourselves. It gauges us. Maybe I feel none of that because I am so enthralled with being where I am. I really am happy here. I've never been so happy. I think the euphoria has ensnared me. I can't say I don't like it but I know that when the euphoric state deadens some, everything else will crash down upon me again. I think this is the calm before a storm. God, what are you doing?

Somewhere new

I just got to Kuwait City, Kuwait yesterday evening. I've never been to this part of the world so during the two hour ride from the air port I had a lot to take in and think about. These are my first initial thoughts upon entering the coutnry.

• The interstate type thing we drove on, I had no idea where it went to and from. It was just road and desert. It kind of made me think of life. What is the function and purpose of the roads we travel?


• The people around here, at least the younger ones, seem laid back. We were driving down what we Americans call an interstate and in the middle between the two opposing lanes of traffic flows is just sand. Several times while we rode, I saw people just chilling in that middle section. One group of young kids started a pick up game of soccer! A man was sitting and having a chat with a friend. Trucks were stopped, taking breaks and relaxing. It's stuff we would probably consider crazy and out of the ordinary but I like it. I like it a lot.


• I smiled at children in some cars as they passed us by and their eyes lit up. I don't really know what to make of that. Does it reflect what they think we normally think of them?


• I want to not only experience the geography and atmosphere, but also the culture and interact with the local nationals.


• I want to play soccer with the children.


• I'd tell the people of Christ even if the Army has already told me not to...


• I've never known desperation of the soul to where I thirst and hunger literally for God. I think I need to. I've known suffering but maybe there's a point to it. Maybe there's a wholeness that can come only from having suffered and finding such a desperation. If so, I have more suffering to do.


• I feel convinced even more that medical missions is what I should do. I feel more convicted to love the wounded souls and hurting people.


• I don't understand the true meaning of love, let alone what it means to love my enemies. God, help me.


• I don't know how I am supposed to feel but I am excited to be here. Excited to see outside the world I've always been in. Excited to see what God does with my heart. Excited to do our mission. I'm excited.


• I miss the landscape of Kentucky.


• The more I see and the more I think, the more it seems likely that America is kind of a brainwashed fool. Like a child that doesn't quite know right from wrong and up from down. America reminds me of Israel.


• We are all lost. I am probably among the most lost.


• It is easy to read about Jesus going to the desert for 40 days and nights in the Bible and think it is cool. But it wasn't until I saw this desert, similar to what He must have been in, that I realized how incredible it is that He could go so long without food, water, and all the while being tempted. That's crazy. He's incredible. It makes it real, being out here. Puts things into perspective.

So, that was what went on in my head during that two hour drive from the airport to the base we are at. And this is only the beginning. God's going to do great things in this desert.