My tormentors greet me once more, Oh Lord.
Shame and guilt,
quilt me in their safety.
Anger and fear,
entrap me in their lies.
Pain and agony,
befriend me with deceit.
Apathy welcomes me,
as a warm friend.
Hurt falls in every tear.
How long will I be surrounded?
How long will I be trembling without protection?
How long until you free me from my prisoners?
Forgive me for caving in when I couldn't see You.
Forgive me for forgetting Your sweet name.
Search my heart and know it seeks Yours.
Forgiveness granted, I praise You.
Praise be to You for the goodness.
I see it glimmer in my despair and darkness.
I see it boldly weave through my captor's maze of tricks.
Praise be to You for joy in pain.
My hurt is so deep,
but in You I find a reason to sing.
Praise be to You for everlasting Love.
Such a Love redeems my brokenness.
It picks up the remnants of my shattered self.
It pieces them together with new life.
Oh, Adonai!
Free me. Forgive me. Love me.
14 May 2011
12 May 2011
Faithfulness
I was reading that last bit of The Sacred Romance and it got me thinking. It got me thinking about suffering and why we do. I thought about Job and all he endured. I thought about my life and the things I've endured. I thought about my friends and the world around me and all the horrible things that go on. I asked myself the timeless question, "Why would God let us suffer? Why would He willingly allow Satan room on the leash he's on so he can torment us?" Normally I feel unsettled by this question and resolve to just give myself the traditional Christian answers or I just stop thinking about the topic all together. It's easier that way.
However, today I just thought about it a while. Here's what I sort of concluded:
Our ultimate purpose in life is to glorify God and to worship Him. We must be faithful to Him and worship Him. I know God does not cause suffering because He is a just and good God, but I also know He does allow it to happen. So what if we are allowed to suffer to see how faithful we are willing to remain? If our ultimate purpose is to worship Him above all else, what if He wants to see how true our worship really is? In Job, the man lost all of his children, all of his servants, all of his land, livestock, even his health. And when push came to shove, his wife told him to "go ahead and curse God and die". His friends told him it was his secret sins that must be the cause of all this, etc. In the end, Job remains faithful, after much struggle with God over why he had to suffer. God gives him everything he lost but doubled. None of the new things could ever replace the hurt of losing the old, but he learned about true worship and faithfulness. His suffering was so great, but so was his faith. We are never told exactly why God allowed all of this pain and suffering but maybe God is more concerned with the character we develop during strife and our faithfulness and true worship than He is with our happiness. Maybe those things are more important. I dunno. Just thinking here.
If you're suffering and know Christ, be faithful. He cares about what happens to you and your heart. Run to Him in your sufferings and worship Him with all you have left. As Christ suffered, so must we too.
However, today I just thought about it a while. Here's what I sort of concluded:
Our ultimate purpose in life is to glorify God and to worship Him. We must be faithful to Him and worship Him. I know God does not cause suffering because He is a just and good God, but I also know He does allow it to happen. So what if we are allowed to suffer to see how faithful we are willing to remain? If our ultimate purpose is to worship Him above all else, what if He wants to see how true our worship really is? In Job, the man lost all of his children, all of his servants, all of his land, livestock, even his health. And when push came to shove, his wife told him to "go ahead and curse God and die". His friends told him it was his secret sins that must be the cause of all this, etc. In the end, Job remains faithful, after much struggle with God over why he had to suffer. God gives him everything he lost but doubled. None of the new things could ever replace the hurt of losing the old, but he learned about true worship and faithfulness. His suffering was so great, but so was his faith. We are never told exactly why God allowed all of this pain and suffering but maybe God is more concerned with the character we develop during strife and our faithfulness and true worship than He is with our happiness. Maybe those things are more important. I dunno. Just thinking here.
If you're suffering and know Christ, be faithful. He cares about what happens to you and your heart. Run to Him in your sufferings and worship Him with all you have left. As Christ suffered, so must we too.
11 May 2011
I'll always remember...
I remember being little and just absolutely cherishing the times I got to come to your house.
I remember car rides with you. Even that time you crossed a railroad track WHILE THE TRAIN WAS COMING! Haha.
I remember that old treadmill. You used to hate it when I'd roll on it without turning it on. You never let me turn it on =P
I remember the first time I ever rode my little bike the 5 blocks or so to your house.
I remember that time I fell from the top of the stairs. You scooped me up and held me tight. You made sure I was all right and loved me right back to happiness.
I remember running around your yard while you just smiled and watched.
I remember riding that yellow dump truck all over the house.
I remember that time I lost two teeth eating a bag a chips, and then the next morning woke up with 10$ under my pillow!
I remember creeping down into your basement, even when you told me not to, and your scolding me because it wasn't safe for tiny little girls.
I remember going on those walks to the mailbox down and across the street. I was always so excited to be the one to open the mailbox.
I remember all the talks we had sitting on your bed. I could talk to you for hours. I loved your stories and you always loved mine.
I remember you showing me how to cook little things.
I remember you teaching me things.
I remember you being one of my heros.
Oh, I remember so very many good things.
But I also remember when you got sick.
I remember the day you forgot who I was.
I'll remember today too. You're so frail and sick now.
I miss you already and you're not even gone.
I miss your stories.
I had so many more questions for you. So much I wanted to know.
I miss you, Nana. I'll always remember who you were.
10 May 2011
My God, My Comforter
God, nothing is going right lately.
My heart is a mess.
My thoughts are so cloudy I could cut the mist with a knife.
I'm sad.
I'm hurt.
I'm angry.
I'm lost.
I'm confused.
I'm scared.
I have no idea where north is.
What is right?
What's worth debating?
What is worth letting go?
Where am I suppose to go?
What am I suppose to do there?
I'm a mess. A frightened mess.
And I feel all alone.
Adonai, despite all my inner turmoil,
I know You can guide me though it,
and so I shall still praise You.
I thank You for wiping my tears.
Thanks for the warm weather.
Thanks for my books.
Thanks for my family.
Thanks for my home.
Thanks for clean water,
more than enough clothes,
enough food to eat.
Thanks for hope,
love,
redemption.
Father, thanks for Your goodness and love.
Thank You for being the most high God whom I can turn to.
Thank You for Your constant presence in my life.
Thank You for all the things I could never deserve.
Thank You for Jesus. I'm so sorry I'm the reason Your Son had to die, but I'm eternally thankful You sent Him.
Love,
Your Daughter
My heart is a mess.
My thoughts are so cloudy I could cut the mist with a knife.
I'm sad.
I'm hurt.
I'm angry.
I'm lost.
I'm confused.
I'm scared.
I have no idea where north is.
What is right?
What's worth debating?
What is worth letting go?
Where am I suppose to go?
What am I suppose to do there?
I'm a mess. A frightened mess.
And I feel all alone.
Adonai, despite all my inner turmoil,
I know You can guide me though it,
and so I shall still praise You.
I thank You for wiping my tears.
Thanks for the warm weather.
Thanks for my books.
Thanks for my family.
Thanks for my home.
Thanks for clean water,
more than enough clothes,
enough food to eat.
Thanks for hope,
love,
redemption.
Father, thanks for Your goodness and love.
Thank You for being the most high God whom I can turn to.
Thank You for Your constant presence in my life.
Thank You for all the things I could never deserve.
Thank You for Jesus. I'm so sorry I'm the reason Your Son had to die, but I'm eternally thankful You sent Him.
Love,
Your Daughter
05 May 2011
Centrality of the Heart
The subsequent quote is something my heart has felt for the longest time but never could quite put it into words. It is an excerpt from the book The Sacred Romance:
"For above all else, the Christian life is a love affair of the heart. it cannot be lived primarily as a set of principles or ethics. It cannot be managed with steps and programs. It cannot be lived out exclusively as a moral code leading to righteousness. In response to a religious expert who asked him what he must do to obtain real life, Jesus asked a question in return:
'What is written in the Law?... How do you read it?'
He answered: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
'You have answered correctly,' Jesus replied. 'Do this and you will live.' (Luke 10:26-28)
The truth of the gospel is intended to free us to love God and others with our whole heart. When we ignore this heart aspect of our faith and try to live out our religion solely as correct doctrine or ethics, our passion is crippled, or perverted, and the divorce of our soul from the heart purposes of God toward us is deepened."
"For above all else, the Christian life is a love affair of the heart. it cannot be lived primarily as a set of principles or ethics. It cannot be managed with steps and programs. It cannot be lived out exclusively as a moral code leading to righteousness. In response to a religious expert who asked him what he must do to obtain real life, Jesus asked a question in return:
'What is written in the Law?... How do you read it?'
He answered: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
'You have answered correctly,' Jesus replied. 'Do this and you will live.' (Luke 10:26-28)
The truth of the gospel is intended to free us to love God and others with our whole heart. When we ignore this heart aspect of our faith and try to live out our religion solely as correct doctrine or ethics, our passion is crippled, or perverted, and the divorce of our soul from the heart purposes of God toward us is deepened."
04 May 2011
Forgive me; Comfort me; Thank You
God. Dad. Father.
I've failed.
I'm so sorry.
I need your forgiveness.
I am weak.
The things I want to do, I do not.
The things I don't want to do, I do.
Where will it end!?!
I feel doomed to be trapped where I am forever.
That isn't the case but that is what it feels like.
I know my words might not mean much,
but I'm so very sorry for who I've become
and what I've done.
Dad, I not only need your forgiveness,
but also your comfort.
It's been almost three years exactly since Corry died.
I can still feel the pain of that day.
It's echoing through my being
and burning to my core.
Words are hopeless at capturing the hurt.
However painful it might be for us,
I can't imagine how hard it is for Chris and his parents.
I beg you to continue to comfort them during this time.
Please.
Comfort all of us and heal our pain if it is your will.
Let it be your will, not ours.
Father, also, even though my soul feels it is in a rough place,
thank You for the trees.
For the hills.
For the rain.
For the beautiful green chlorophyll.
For that magnificent rainbow you showed me the other day.
For my very breath.
For my mind.
For your love.
But most of all, thank You for Your Son. He died that I might know you and worship you.
I fail so often and I feel so unworthy, but I know in my heart You see me as your princess.
I am the daughter of the King. I take comfort in that.
Thank you for my redemption.
In my frail humanity, I love You.
I've failed.
I'm so sorry.
I need your forgiveness.
I am weak.
The things I want to do, I do not.
The things I don't want to do, I do.
Where will it end!?!
I feel doomed to be trapped where I am forever.
That isn't the case but that is what it feels like.
I know my words might not mean much,
but I'm so very sorry for who I've become
and what I've done.
Dad, I not only need your forgiveness,
but also your comfort.
It's been almost three years exactly since Corry died.
I can still feel the pain of that day.
It's echoing through my being
and burning to my core.
Words are hopeless at capturing the hurt.
However painful it might be for us,
I can't imagine how hard it is for Chris and his parents.
I beg you to continue to comfort them during this time.
Please.
Comfort all of us and heal our pain if it is your will.
Let it be your will, not ours.
Father, also, even though my soul feels it is in a rough place,
thank You for the trees.
For the hills.
For the rain.
For the beautiful green chlorophyll.
For that magnificent rainbow you showed me the other day.
For my very breath.
For my mind.
For your love.
But most of all, thank You for Your Son. He died that I might know you and worship you.
I fail so often and I feel so unworthy, but I know in my heart You see me as your princess.
I am the daughter of the King. I take comfort in that.
Thank you for my redemption.
In my frail humanity, I love You.
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