A million times I try.
I'll never capture the words of my heart.
I hear of the tragedy and tortures of this world. I know the life that I have lived. That my friends have lived.
All these horrors... I don't know how to react.
I have no desire to question You anymore. I trust You.
But that doesn't ease my constant brokenness.
I want to pray for this world.
But I want more too.
I know I could never fix the world. I could never reconcile us all to peace.
But I want to show peace and love to those stuck in the storm.
These injustices have to stop.
God. My heart really cries out to You tonight.
Children are crying, people are dying.
People starve. They have no homes.
Girls are forced into sex slavery.
Little boys forced into brutal civil wars.
I can't sleep tonight. Knowing things are so messed up.
And I'm here. In a warm, comfortable dorm room.
It's despicable. I hate it.
I want to sleep outside, walk with no shoes on, go days without food or clean water.
Just to catch a glimpse of the life so many of my fellow human beings endure every day of their lives.
I want to trade places with that little girl being raped tonight, so she can have a moment, a night, of peace and safety.
I want to take that little boys place so he doesn't have to kill another human and desensitize him to the value of life.
God. Couldn't just one of those suffering people have my life for a day?
Father, NEVER let this fire for the hurting and broken leave my soul. NEVER. Not for a moment. Let them be my reason for doing and giving 110% while I'm in nursing school. Let them be my focus for serving you. Please.
And, Dad, Please. Please, give them comfort tonight. Please. Give them a glimpse of hope. A shimmer of the sunshine beyond the storm. I can't do anything more from here than beg this of you.
Even though I don't understand, Adonai, I love you and thank You for the blessings you did give to me, so that I may in turn, serve You.
28 March 2011
15 March 2011
God in my life
I went for a drive tonight around my hometown. I ended up at a park. I sat there and all I could do was ponder the times I had clearly seen God in my life, the times He had truly revealed Himself to me in an all too real way. I thought of three particular instances.
The first revolved around the time I first became a Christian in 2005. God worked so quickly in my life and physically set me apart from the difficult situations I was plunged into. I didn't see it as a physical salvation at the time, but in retrospect His hands can be clearly seen pulling me from the wreckage of my former life.
I can't remember the time frame associated with the second time God made Himself known to me, but I distinctly remember the event. I was still wreaking the consequences of my past, both things I'd done and things done to me. Everyone in the house was asleep. Everything was silent. I found myself wanting to run away again. To get far from my mistakes and those who'd harmed me. Instead, I found myself curled into a ball, propped up against the stove in my parent's kitchen, crying in the dark. I had no idea what to do with myself. I needed a way out of my emotions, my past, my sin... I needed salvation. I was a Christian at this time, but so lost and confused about what that truly meant. I started to cry out to this God I had only recently begun to know. I begged Him from the depths of my soul to save me, to forgive me, to redeem me. I felt a pain so deep, so beyond the surface, I thought I might rip into two. I cried out to Him from my anguished soul for the help and relief I had heard He promised. In the midst of my sobbing and begging and praying, I heard a voice. It softly whispered my name, "Tiffany." Normally, such a thing would frighten me, but this voice did not. I looked around best I could in the dark, thinking maybe I had awaken someone. No one was there. Again I heard the voice, "Tiffany." Something within me felt I knew this voice. I didn't have name for it, but I knew I heard it, and I knew I wasn't going crazy. One final time I heard this voice, "Tiffany, it's okay," it soothed this time. I sat there, mesmerized. God was speaking to me. Not just to my soul, but to my ears. I had heard Him. I sat there for over an hour just in awe of His soothing voice. My soul was quieted, lighter, and full of a joy I had never known. My brokenness had been replaced. I always tried to rationalize that night, that voice, but I've never come up with anything but God to fulfill every aspect as I recall it. God is enough for me.
The last event is one I've posted about before - a man named Jack that I met. I never could forget Jack. Not since the summer night last summer. He's stayed with me. I've tried so hard to find him, but to no avail. God showed up that night in such an incredible way. I wonder if Jack was an angel, sent to test us. Maybe, maybe not. I recall dashing quickly to my parents house to grab the extra canned food and water bottles. We drove back to the downtown square area, not even 3 blocks from their home. We searched for over an hour, driving a mile in every direction. We just could not find Jack. If you'd seen the frail state he was in and the huge shopping cart he was pushing, you'd know how impossible it was that he would vanish so quickly. We have no idea what happened to him, but we are so thankful we got to pray with him and feed and clothe him with what little we had. It just blows my mind that he just disappeared liked that. I'll always remember that frail old man. I feel he blessed us more than we ever could him.
All this to say, even without the logical reasoning I have for my belief in God, I have my own testimony and experience of encounters with Him. My God is a powerful and saving God. I can't believe He finds me worth knowing and saving and loving. I could never fully express my feelings of gratitude about Him being in my life.
The first revolved around the time I first became a Christian in 2005. God worked so quickly in my life and physically set me apart from the difficult situations I was plunged into. I didn't see it as a physical salvation at the time, but in retrospect His hands can be clearly seen pulling me from the wreckage of my former life.
I can't remember the time frame associated with the second time God made Himself known to me, but I distinctly remember the event. I was still wreaking the consequences of my past, both things I'd done and things done to me. Everyone in the house was asleep. Everything was silent. I found myself wanting to run away again. To get far from my mistakes and those who'd harmed me. Instead, I found myself curled into a ball, propped up against the stove in my parent's kitchen, crying in the dark. I had no idea what to do with myself. I needed a way out of my emotions, my past, my sin... I needed salvation. I was a Christian at this time, but so lost and confused about what that truly meant. I started to cry out to this God I had only recently begun to know. I begged Him from the depths of my soul to save me, to forgive me, to redeem me. I felt a pain so deep, so beyond the surface, I thought I might rip into two. I cried out to Him from my anguished soul for the help and relief I had heard He promised. In the midst of my sobbing and begging and praying, I heard a voice. It softly whispered my name, "Tiffany." Normally, such a thing would frighten me, but this voice did not. I looked around best I could in the dark, thinking maybe I had awaken someone. No one was there. Again I heard the voice, "Tiffany." Something within me felt I knew this voice. I didn't have name for it, but I knew I heard it, and I knew I wasn't going crazy. One final time I heard this voice, "Tiffany, it's okay," it soothed this time. I sat there, mesmerized. God was speaking to me. Not just to my soul, but to my ears. I had heard Him. I sat there for over an hour just in awe of His soothing voice. My soul was quieted, lighter, and full of a joy I had never known. My brokenness had been replaced. I always tried to rationalize that night, that voice, but I've never come up with anything but God to fulfill every aspect as I recall it. God is enough for me.
The last event is one I've posted about before - a man named Jack that I met. I never could forget Jack. Not since the summer night last summer. He's stayed with me. I've tried so hard to find him, but to no avail. God showed up that night in such an incredible way. I wonder if Jack was an angel, sent to test us. Maybe, maybe not. I recall dashing quickly to my parents house to grab the extra canned food and water bottles. We drove back to the downtown square area, not even 3 blocks from their home. We searched for over an hour, driving a mile in every direction. We just could not find Jack. If you'd seen the frail state he was in and the huge shopping cart he was pushing, you'd know how impossible it was that he would vanish so quickly. We have no idea what happened to him, but we are so thankful we got to pray with him and feed and clothe him with what little we had. It just blows my mind that he just disappeared liked that. I'll always remember that frail old man. I feel he blessed us more than we ever could him.
All this to say, even without the logical reasoning I have for my belief in God, I have my own testimony and experience of encounters with Him. My God is a powerful and saving God. I can't believe He finds me worth knowing and saving and loving. I could never fully express my feelings of gratitude about Him being in my life.
08 March 2011
Dear Cousin,
I remember when I was younger, you were one of my heros. You were my big, older cousin in the army that I could look up to. I admired you and your strength. I remember cherishing the times you were allowed away from post long enough to visit me. I loved the few conversations we got have about me maybe joining the army one day. I loved the stories you told me.
All those memories make it seem so unbelievable that you're gone now... at 35. Why, Cousin? Why did you do that? Why? What were you thinking!?! Didn't your wife and the kids matter? Do you see her broken heart? Do you see her pain? How could you leave her, the kids, all of us? You were so loved and cherished. So loved.
You made a horrible decision. You can't fix it this time. Sometimes I'm so angry at you for leaving like that. I'd like to hope you're in Heaven, but honestly, I don't know where you are. My anger can't change your death. It's been three months and I still miss you.
I still love you. My heart grieves for you and your wife and children.
May you rest in peace, my dear cousin.
Love,
Tiff
I remember when I was younger, you were one of my heros. You were my big, older cousin in the army that I could look up to. I admired you and your strength. I remember cherishing the times you were allowed away from post long enough to visit me. I loved the few conversations we got have about me maybe joining the army one day. I loved the stories you told me.
All those memories make it seem so unbelievable that you're gone now... at 35. Why, Cousin? Why did you do that? Why? What were you thinking!?! Didn't your wife and the kids matter? Do you see her broken heart? Do you see her pain? How could you leave her, the kids, all of us? You were so loved and cherished. So loved.
You made a horrible decision. You can't fix it this time. Sometimes I'm so angry at you for leaving like that. I'd like to hope you're in Heaven, but honestly, I don't know where you are. My anger can't change your death. It's been three months and I still miss you.
I still love you. My heart grieves for you and your wife and children.
May you rest in peace, my dear cousin.
Love,
Tiff
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