a poem about nothing

i'd write something of worth to me

but i feel as though my hands are bound.

i'll write nothing

and pretend it will suffice.

but is this pretending enough to guarantee

that what is absent will be found?

what needs to be said is cutting

so i'll take my own advice

and i'll say nothing

I'm not really home

i'm home, but i'm not home

i feel like i'm missing something

or i'm seriously dreading something

i just don't feel like all of me came back

i don't really want to be here

it's hard to hear about all of these problems and pains

when there's so much worse over there

i honestly never wanted to come home

my heart was never really here

there's no real joy in anything here

it's all so cheap and shallow

i want to leave again

Stirring Up the Soul

I was recently asked how I knew God was really there and how I knew He cared enough to interact in our lives. I refrained from the typical Christian answers - full of logic, research, facts, etc. I was so tired of spouting off those types of answers without really giving true thought to how I really knew. I asked the person to give me a solid ten minutes to give some serious thought to it so I could answer them in a meaningful way. This seemed to shock them. I suppose they were used to defensive Christians who just wanted to be right. But Corinthians 13 says if you have all the knowledge and skills of the world but do not love, it is worthless. How could I be so cold and heartless in such important matters? This deserved my full attention and time. The individual granted me the time I requested.

This is how I responded to him when I had formulated my thoughts:

"First, I'm not sure we can KNOW 100% with no doubts that He is there. It's about faith. However, not totally blind faith. God encourages us to test and seek the faith we proclaim. It is very much welcomed and I myself am a huge skeptic in nearly anything, so you can be sure I take every claim of my faith and put it to the test as I understand how to.

Second, while I'm not sure we can 100% know He is there, I still have no doubts that He is for the simple reason that I have seen Him work in my life. There are two times in particular that I'd like to share with you.

The first was not even a month after I'd become a Christian and accepted God's love and forgiveness. I was about 15 and, not many know it but, I had a pretty bad home life. The police, child services, and all kinds of detectives became involved. I was afraid that nothing conclusive would happen and I'd be stuck. So one night after things had gotten crazy at home, I was laying down, unable to sleep because of a terrifying fear. I felt this tugging on my heart. It was like hearing a really quite voice in the wind - ever so faint but still audible. It was telling me to run. All I could think was "Run? And go where?" The voice did not specify, it just kept telling me to get up, pack a bag, and leave. I remember listening intently to the house for any signs of life. I remember silently creeping out of bed, careful not to disturb my sleeping sister, and packing a small backpack. I didn't know how long I'd be gone or where I was going, but this voice seemed convincing and it was better than all the other voices in my life. The walk from the front of the house to the back door was the longest walk of my life. I literally felt my heart stop every time the floor made a noise. I got to the door, stopped, and reached for the handle. I just held my hand there, looking at the handle and thinking, "What am I doing? This is it. If I walk out this door, there's no going back anymore. Am I really going to do this?" Then I just walked out of the door. I stepped into the cool wintery air and already felt the weight of terror lifted from my shoulders, but not for long. Now I was certain that my family would immediately know I'd left and would be coming for me. No such thing occurred. Suffice it to say that after that night, I went to foster care. I found myself safe, fed, and healthy. If I had not listened to that voice, I'm not really sure what would have happened. I have every confidence that God was instrumental in that night. God saved my soul, then He spared my body.

The second instance I want to tell you about is one that has been etched in my mind ever since the day it happened. When I'm in a time of doubt, yes even Christians doubt at times, I think back to this and it erases all doubt. I was still wreaking the consequences of my previous story, both the things I had done and things done to me. Everyone in the house was asleep. Everything was silent. I found myself wanting to run away again. To get far away from what I thought to be my mistakes and those who had harmed me. Instead, I found myself curled into a ball, propped up against the stove in my parent's kitchen, crying in the dark. I had no idea what to do with myself, I needed out of my emotions, my past, my sin... I need salvation. I was, of course, a Christian at the time, but I was so lost and confused about what that truly meant. I started to cry out to this God I had only recently begun to know. I begged Him from the depths of my soul to save me, to forgive me, and to redeem me. I felt a pain so deep, so beyond the surface, I thought I might literally rip in two. I cried out to Him from my anguished soul for the help and relief I had heard He promised. In the midst of my sobbing and begging and praying, I heard a voice. It softly whispered my name, "Tiffany." Normally, such a thing would frighten me, but this voice did not. I looked around best I could in the dark, thinking maybe I had awakened someone. But that wasn't really plausible because no one in the house would have just whispered my name. They would be yelling. Again, I heard the voice, "Tiffany." Something within me felt I knew this voice. I didn't have a name for it, but I knew heard it and I knew I wasn't going crazy. One final time I heard this voice, "Tiffany, it's okay," it soothed this time. I sat there, mesmerized. God was speaking to me. Not just to my soul, but to my ears. I had heard Him! I sat there for over an hour just in awe of His soothing voice. My soul was quieted, lighter, and full of a joy I had never known. My brokenness had been replaced. I always tried to rationalize that night, that voice, but I've never come up with anything but God to fulfill every aspect of that night. God is honestly enough for me.

I'm not sure if this helps you understand, my friend, but God is as real to me as you sitting next to me. Those are just two of many times He's made Himself known in my life. I'll spend all the days of my life seeking His face and trying to understand Him better. I can't make you believe me, but if you're interested in trying to understand or you want to ask more questions, I'm always available and up to the challenge to try to answer your questions as fully as I can. But, buddy, if you do wish to seek and dive in, you're gonna find that while there is a lot of concreteness to the faith, there's also things you can beat to death with "what ifs" and skepticism, only to realize we must sometimes simply walk by faith."

After I finished my little speech, my friend sat there, taking it all in. After a while of silence, he thanked me for my "thoughtful answer" (his words, not mine) and said he would definitely like to discuss this more in the future.

I don't have all the answers; I won't even pretend to. But I know what I know and I have my experiences - good and bad. I'm excited for the future of this young man. I hope that things keep moving forward and his soul is stirred deeply.

A Captured Memory: Coming Home

On November 30th 2011, I was awaken in Kuwait as I had been for the last few days - by the morning taps (not sure if that's what it's called exactly) - at 6am. I dressed in the dark of our ten-man tent that I shared with seven other sleeping females from the B Co unit. Afterwards, I set out for the ten-ish minute walk to the chow hall for a peaceful breakfast alone. I enjoyed the solitude after months of basically having no alone time at all. I enjoyed a nice, long, half-hour, sit-down breakfast then set out to see if the AT&T call center was working yet. It wasn't, of course, so I went next door to the Starbucks. I met up with a few friends there, had an awkward moment with the company 1sgt, then one of the guys and I walked back to the tent-living area. It was a quiet walk with little talk speculating about when we would be "home home". Despite that lack of enthusiasm, it was going to be a good long day for us. Good because we were leaving the middle east, long because, well, everything takes a long time to do in the army. My buddy and I parted ways and I proceeded to pack my last green duffel and play the army's infamous waiting game until it was time to load the trucks with our gear.

Finally, the time arrived for us to load our allotted bags - one large military issue ruck (which when packed fully, is bigger than me and probably weighs half, if not more, of my weight) and one standard green duffel. 232-ish bags and 3 truck loads later, we were finally finished. Eventually, we formed up and got all the typical commander's briefs, did roll call, then marched over to customs.

I don't know if any of you reading this have ever been through customs like this (and I've never done it any other time), but the way this works is you get all your bags scanned and then you dump every bit of it out so the Navy customs guys can inspect it for anything illegal by US law and the UCMJ (for those who don't know, that is Uniformed Code of Military Justice - a whole other law that all military personnel are bound by in addition to regular US laws). Normally every single soldier would go through this, but today they did only a 10% spot check. To choose the individuals for this, we were formed up in mass formation, regardless of your company, and every other line was pulled out into a smaller formation. Those pulled were to do the dreaded task of unpacking and repacking. Of course yours truly was in a chosen line. I walked to where our bags had been laid out, found mine, then went to the line for the scanners. I dragged the bags through and deposited them at the third tent to await the actual dumping of gear, then made my way over to fill out the rest of the customs paper work. A couple of hours later, I'm last to get my gear checked and then I joined the rest of the companies in the holding area, identified as Freedom something or other. It's there that we awaited the buses that would transport us to another airport in Kuwait City somewhere.

By midnight, Kuwait time, we are in another formation with our carry-ons front loaded and weapons strapped to our shivering bodies. We are led to the buses. I'm first in my group and take my seat in the back (since, of course, all buses should be loaded rear to front). Less than ten minutes later, the whole bus is full. At this point, we're pretty exhausted from the long day; hungry; and our pores are practically oozing sand from the non-stop sand blowing winds of Kuwait. We're crammed in pretty tight and we just want relief from our aforementioned ailments, in addition to the hot, smelly bus. About half an hour later, all the buses are fully loaded and we start our 1 - 1 1/2 hour trek to the airport.

I sat in my back corner spot, listening to my ipod shuffle, and pondering about all the had transpired over the last several months. Iraq had been an interesting experience. It wasn’t anything like I had really envisioned that it would be. I didn’t expect to grow so much. I didn’t expect to delve so deeply into my own heart and soul. I didn’t expect to see not only my faults, but also the good in me that Christ had revealed. I learned a great deal about not only myself, but also God and His people, things that no amount of going to college could really help me see.

I learned that sometimes, the strength within ourselves is only revealed to us when being strong is honestly the only choice we have left.

I learned that it isn’t until people are put in a constantly stressed life style that you see who they are and what they are truly made of.

I learned that I am, regrettably, extremely judgmental, but probably not how you'd imagine.

I learned that even in the darkest of moments, there is a Light.

I learned, truly learned, that my God loves me enough to pursue me. He will not let the darkness pull me beyond His reach.

I learned that some of the people you get closest to don’t have to be anything like you. They can be Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, black, white, yellow, young, old, it doesn’t matter. People are people are people. It just doesn’t matter where you come from and what you’ve done. I have come to think that maybe God sees us that way. In His grace and forgiveness, He will meet us where we are, no matter who we are and where we’ve been. He will love all of us with an everlasting love if we are repentant and seeking.

I learned that I am the worst of all sinners but I will never be stuck there because of God’s love for me.

I learned that I pick up languages really quickly. I can now carry on at minimum basic conversation in four languages (English and Spanish fluently, Arabic and Swahili only the basics).

I learned to give people second chances.

I learned that we are not meant to be alone. We need each other. We were created for communion with fellow humans. It is in sharing in one another’s lives that we catch a glimpse of His love, healing, and hope.

I learned that life is a lot better, even in the worst of situations, when you are not going through it alone. There are a lot of people who share in your experiences all over the world. Seeking those people out is so comforting.

I learned that people are hungrier for the Truth than I knew. They are hurting, broken, and some are even seeking. Praise be to God for His allowing me to share what He’s done in my life. All suffering in my life was worth it to share His love with even just one other man.

I learned that in my weakness, I am made strong through Him.

I learned that prayer is powerful, even if I do not understand it.

I learned that I could make a difference even in the little things.

I learned that nothing truly lasts forever in this life.

On the humorous side, I learned that flies like to mock us. If they mock, and attack us, we burn them. Haha.

I learned that going from a 130 (F) down to 40 (F) in a matter of a couple weeks is a definite no go.

I learned that you CAN make a secondary fighting position, pull-up bar, and signs all fit inside a burn barrel.

I learned that the Iraqi’s are not really so different from us. One of my good friends now is from Iraq. I hope to see him in America in the next 1-½ years.

I learned how important the body of Christ really is. I had never cared much for it to be honest. It wasn’t until I went through some of my weakest moments here that I saw how good that body could truly be. The communion God intended to be within His body is a beautiful thing. It taught me a lot about what it means to be family. My family isn’t limited to only those with the same blood as me; my family truly extends all over the world.

It was a crazy six months and I'm better for having experienced it.

My thoughts began to wind down as we pulled into the airport. Relief was just within reach. It lay in the plane off to our left. As we waited for our bus' turn to unload and enter the plane, the troops aboard became pretty restless. The plane was cool, had food, latrines, water, and pillows - it was everything we needed, but more importantly, it was going to take us home. This mission the army sent us on was coming to an end, we were going home, and we were more than ready to get there.

A representative from the airport came onto the bus, briefed us, and we were authorized to exit the bus and ascend onto our one way ticket home. Within an hour, give or take, the cargo was loaded in the belly of the plane and all of the soldiers departing had found a seat. Once we all had our basic needs accommodated, I looked around at those on the plane, nearly every single soldier was passed out from exhaustion. It stayed sleepy and silent for the majority of the five hour flight from Kuwait to Germany.

In Germany, we were given a couple hours at a holding point to call home, get online, lay down, smoke, socialize, etc. Then we boarded the plane for the last nine to ten hour stretch home. And that's where I'm currently penning this from - over the Atlantic Ocean at 5am CST in the states (I have no idea what day it is yet. haha). We're safe and we're coming home.

Veteran's Day Dedication

I remember stories of you when I was a young child.

I remember listening about you in amazement because you were so brave. You were my big older cousin in the army.

I remember the times we talked about me maybe one day joining (I did, of course).

I remember the times you visited, when you could get away from post long enough to come home. You always had stories for me about what I deemed to be "adventures of RD."

I remember you coming to our house with your parents and sister and what great times we had there.

I remember learning about the day you married Nikki (who I'm quite thankful for, by the way).

I remember Trey being born. He looks like you, you know.

I remember your daughter being born. She's so precious.

I remember, too, the day I found out about your death nearly a year ago. I was sitting in my office at work and my family called me. I couldn't even cry. It seemed so surreal because, even at 20, it seemed crazy for me to think someone so young and brave and loving could no longer be on this earth. My heart broke for your family.

I remember not being able to come say goodbye.

For most of this past year, I haven't even been able to look at an E-7 without feeling a twinge a sadness and mourning.

But someone said something today that made me realize, it's all right to remember. It's all right to hurt. But with that, it's also all right to remember who you were and how loving and brave you always were to me. I'm thankful for your presence in my life. I'm thankful for the family you have still here. I'm thankful for the commitment you made to our country.

Cousin, today is your day. It is a day to remember your achievements and sacrifices and the good life that you lived.

You're missed. You're loved. And I pray you are at peace.

R.I.P D and happy Veteran's day, champ

SFC R.D. Lightfoot 9 March 1975 - 8 December 2010

Sights of Inner Turmoil

I saw you the other day, at that briefing all of the base has to have. I saw you walk in and my heart stopped. My breath felt as though it'd been knocked out of me. I felt myself begin to tremble. I thought to myself, "There's the man who no longer loves me, who no longer wants any part in my life. There's the one abandoned me without cause."

I quickly turned around. I hoped you wouldn't notice me. Did you? And yet, at the same time I secretly hoped you would realize that the only female sitting on our side of the room was in fact me.

I stayed turned around as the boring brief commenced, but the whole time all I could think about was how much I wanted to go to you and talk. How much I wanted to hug you and feel your warm, strong arms embrace me too. I ignored the urge and when the brief was over, I stole one more glance back. Everyone in your unit had gotten up and headed out, but there you were, over in a corner talking with an NCO. I just stared at you as long as I dared to.

I forced myself to turn back around and look away. I turned one final time, just in time to watch you walk away without a thought, just like you did with us.

I miss you in my life.

Melting

I sat, frustrated, in the warm room with beige colored walls attempting to update the database of a system used for my job. The first update failed and, out of my building pent up frustration, I let a slew of profanity escape past my lips. I restarted the annoying device and as I waited for it reboot back up, God made Himself known.

"Why are you afraid, Dear Child? Why do you keep Me from your heart? Why, My Beloved, do you not love me with all your heart?"

I didn't even bother pretending not to know what He meant. I let my frustration out, "That's my problem: You. Your love. How to love. How /I/ love You? I'm unworthy, impure, foul, and unloveable! And I just don't know how to love you with all of me!"

A coolness passed through the warm room. I breathed it in and felt suddenly lighter. "Precious One, you put so much guilt in between our relationship. Give Me your burdens, sins, and shame. Give it to Me and let Me, in My Holiness, teach you what it is to love Me. I love YOU, My Beloved. I traded my Son's spotless life for yours, so we can share in My love as one. Come, be My Bride. Be My Princess."

Somehow this changes things. I can't explain how, but something once ensnaring my heart in a poisonous ice has begun to melt away. My Creator is mending my brokenness. I won't always be in pieces. He's the Light that won't crush me.