Nostalgic Post

Been thinking about the past a lot lately. Not the bad stuff, just the things I miss. I miss certain times in my young adult life and feel like I'd do nearly anything to go back and do them over again.

• I miss CIY with the original youth group I came in with.
• I miss the unity I felt at the church I first started going to.
• I miss BCT and AIT and all the new experiences gained there.
• I miss Iraq and the lifestyle it brought.
• I miss being in the Army period.
• I miss old high school friends and the bonds we shared.
• I miss best friends, with whom I have gone longer than acceptable without talking.
• I miss living with my old high school friend, Ash.
• I miss orienteering as a team.
• I miss the cross country team of my second college season. 
• I miss the way college use to be before life got super serious.
• I miss when less of my family was dead.
• I miss when my brother was able to be my brother and mentor and friend.

I don't mind where I am now and I'm excited about where the future has the potential to take me. I just miss the relationships I've made in the last 6 1/2 - 8 years and I don't really care for how the dynamics have changed. I guess moving around and things changing is just one of the least likable parts of the adult experience. I'm not really sad about things not being the same, just reminiscent. We can't go back, so hopefully the future brings better days with new memories and experiences to be had. 

Bright Lightening from Dark Storms

I remember the first time I truly recognized right from wrong. I was 7-years-old in 2nd grade. I lied to a little boy. Of course, by 7 I knew right and wrong, but it was that day I lied to him it sunk in: I am capable of making mistakes and, even though I was never called out on it, those mistakes have consequences. Ever since that day, I've kept a record of my own wrongs. I know every mistake, everything my finite memory will allow me to recall. It's like a weight that sits not only on the back of my mind but wholly on my heart.

Lately this has kept me from Yahweh. I KNOW He has to know everything I've done too. But now I'm not a 7-year-old girl lying about something inconsequential. Now I'm an adult and I harbor hatred that kills souls; I hold on dearly to unforgiveness; I refuse grace to those who no more deserve it than I do, though I have it; I walk with double standards. That's not even the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my blackened heart and the things I justify. And it's not even just about being a Christian and the "guilt thing" so many attribute to the faith. Long before I was ever a Christian, I felt the weight of my mistakes and I felt the pride that comes with wanting to look good in everyone's eyes regardless of my own faults.

More than knowing God knows all about me, I know that He is not only a God of love, but of purity and holiness. All I can think when I even consider approaching Him is "How could I dare go to the Creator of everything when such darkness and unholiness constantly wash over me?" It's not so much that I want to be out of darkness solely because it is what He asks of me, but rather, I want to see light and see His face. I WANT to be where He is, but why would He let me?

I talked this over a bit with a close friend the other day. It was pointed out that perhaps my perception of God is skewed. He's not just a God who leaves us out in the cold when we mess up; He doesn't just see us as our mistakes; He doesn't just want to punish us. He wants us to come to Him. He wants to hear of what we've done, not to gloat or point out we'll never be good enough, but so we can see the extent of His forgiveness. He's not JUST a God of love, holiness, and purity, but also a God of mercy, forgiveness, grace, and compassion.

It was also pointed out that the Prince of Darkness tells these lies. It's like when Jesus was tempted in the desert. Satan takes things out of context, leaving just enough truth to be convincing. Christ had a bigger voice speaking to Him though to point out these half truths. It's the same voice I need to be listening for.

I was created to love and be loved by the Creator of the Universe. It's so easy to forget that. He doesn't have to keep a record of our wrongs. He sent Christ to spill His blood so these mistakes can be covered. He sent Jesus to take my place so that I may come to Him in my sin, weakness, and with humility to seek His face and see Light. There's more to me, to us, than our shortcomings. There's hope, forgiveness, and redemption. We just have to choose to come to Him.

As the father in Luke 15:11-32 rejoices when his lost son returns home and doesn't think twice about accepting him or throwing his sins in his face, so too does God rejoice when we return to Him, regardless of where we've been and what we've done.

I love you. I miss you.

It crushed me when I found out about you while I was deployed.
It hurt me when I found out you were going away for a long time.
But it nearly breaks me to know I almost lost you that day over this past Christmas break.
I love you, you moron.
You're my big brother. You've always been like a father to me because of our huge age difference.
It's like finding out you nearly lost a parent.
Something in me is so deeply saddened.
I can feel your heart breaking.
I break because you break.
I love you, Brother. I always will.
Please never leave me on purpose. Please never try to again.
I honestly need you in my life.
There isn't a day that goes by that you don't cross my mind.
I wish I could talk to you. Ask you how to fix things in my life. Seek your guidance.
I'd even settle for one of your big towering hugs.
I just miss you.
I love you, Brother.

Clinical Day 1: Humbled

Today was my first day of nursing clinicals. I tried not to go in with too many expectations or preconceived notions; I felt like that would make it more intimidating. Needless to say, interacting with patients on a floor is a whole other ball game from dealing with them in the back of the ambulance. To say the least, it was humbling. I had one assigned patient, but was able to help with others as well. I suppose what I learned today was:

1. I will never know everything. 
2. I don't know enough yet.
3. I truly do want to meet the patient's needs.
4. I want to make every patient's life easier for them while I'm a part of it.
5. Some patients really are just lonely.

There were a few patient's on our assigned floor that knew they were dying. The look on their faces despite their upbeat attitude... man, there's not really anything you can say about that. I really wish that hugging some of the patients were enough to make them feel better and be healed. 

I was really worried that maybe I wouldn't like being on the floors after the rush of EMS work, that maybe I wasn't really cut out for it; however, after today, I feel like perhaps I'm heading down a road that I can eventually be really good at and bring a lot of help to people everywhere. 

If you're the praying sort, pray with me that I learn what I need to each semester to help patients the most, that I am a light to those that I am allowed to meet and interact with, and that I stay humbled and never think I know more than I do. Above all, pray for those to whom I will be a student nurse, that they will find comfort and relief.